Hi Aggiegirl,

Welcome to the boards.

I take it this is the first visit with the oncologist?  I won't assume your frequenting 'Dr. Google' but obviously advice as to be careful what you read online stands even when it is serious medical journals (unless your medical understanding is very good of course).

I don't have your husband's diagnosis but got to stage 3 breast cancer with no symptoms (not even a palpable lump due to glandular tissue in both breasts) and it was only found because I was set in my head that I would not leave my GP's without a referral for early screening (I had a bad feeling and had twice in the last 5 years believed I had been referred for early screening but to no avail).  And that's the wonder of some cancers, they can have no symptoms until well down the line.

While I am fighting hard and fully intend on beating my cancer, I realise the stats aren't brilliant for me so I understand your concern about living life vs. "don't go to the funeral today".  Especially as my husband is a very sensitive, emotional soul.  I have good reason to worry he will just give up on life if I die (even though he shouldn't), and as he is an introvert he has lots of people that love him dearly but he doesn't see them very often (certainly nowhere near as much as they would like to see him).

So, for that reason I am walking a line between my genuine feeling of being positive and wanting to thoroughly enjoy every bit of time that I'm lucky enough to have with him, alongside trying to find ways to ensure that he has a good support circle if the worst happens.

One thing that I would say isn't going to help you is avoiding the crying.  Crying is one of the most helpful things we can do for ourselves (when we feel it coming on).  Having a good cry can temporarily remove that feeling of hurt and worry and allow you the freedom to just enjoy time with your husband.  It can let you get back to laughing together, talking together, as if life is just as it always has been, and you need that normality as it is who you are as a couple.  Don't let the cancer take that from you, it will try to, but it is important you keep in mind who you are as a couple.

I think maybe that hits on my main point.  Cancer will take so much from us if we let it and it can of course take our lives, but within reason it can only take how we want to spend the rest of our time from us if we let it.

My feeling is that the most important thing we can do is be with our spouses/partners and enjoy their company just as we have for years.  Have the laughs, have the cries, have the emotional intimacy, and just be a couple.  It is those loving memories that you want staying with you should the worst happen so set about creating them.

Hope that is of some help, and thank you for your last comment, it is rough going through this but I have to be honest and say I think it's harder on our loved ones so I really feel for you and what you are going through.

Here to talk any time you want.

LJx

LJx,

Thank you for your thoughts!  Your experience is so helpful to me.  Yes, this will be our first visit with the oncologist tomorrow.  His staff have already told my husband the lymphoma is "aggressive" and rushed him into the PET/CT and the bone marrow biopsy this week.  He's' opening up his office early to see us first thing tomorrow morning.  My husband has a lot of questions for him, and we are both afraid of the answers.  You know, wanting to know, and dreading the answers.

Reading research articles on the internet is definitely hard on the emotions.  I know just enough to be a danger to myself.  My husband was feeling great, and now after all these test, poked full of holes and the bone marrow biopsy, he;'s sore all over!  I'm eager to hear what the doctor has to say.

Thanks!