Hi Tony52

I'm so sorry and I know exactly how you feel one week ago my husband was told the same he's going through the blame/anger/why me stage and I feel guilty for eating when he cant. He has also told me he is sorry like its somehow his fault, I'm trying to be strong as I imagine you are but its hard, Im sorry I have no real advice but listening and talking to each other and trying to stay positive is all we can do at the moment until we understand the next steps

Best wishes

Carol 

Hi Carol

i am sorry to hear you are in a similar position, it is so very hard especially not knowing what to do for the best. I don’t usually post messages etc. But it just got too overwhelming yesterday so thank you so much for you reply, we wish you the strength needed at this time real advances are being made all the time so we do have that hope.

best wishes

Tony

Hello Tony,

I am sorry to hear of your situation, but I hope that my story might help you help you and your wife to stay positive and perhaps to bring some Hope and Focus to the terrible panic that you might have been feeling (I spent so much of my time in a perpetual state of hysterical panic at the start of my journey with cancer).

7 years ago, when I was 44, I found myself with terminal breast cancer (it had spread throughout both my lungs and liver with no palpable breast lump, and few symptoms except shortness of breath and extreme fatigue), and I was not expected to live very long.

I am now 52, and still physically fit despite the terrible prognosis, but the mental battle has been pretty tough. Although it is difficult living with Stage 4 cancer, it is definitely worth trying to stay positive. Nobody knows what's round the corner; I imagined all sorts of horrible stuff, and none of that particular stuff came true (so that was a great waste of precious time wasn't it!? lol)

In the first years, I was not expected to live very long, but now I have learnt to take each day, one day at a time. Each morning I wake up, open my eyes, and say to myself "It's not got me yet! And it's not going to get me today" and I carry on.

I continue to plan my life as though I expect to be here. I have made arrangements for all eventualities, but I am planning to continue to be part of a growing band of people living with cancer rather than dying of it.

After all, there are many new treatments coming forth, thanks to research, and I hope we can all Surf on the Wave of new treatments.

I truly wish you both all the very best. You and your wife are very welcome to message me on here as I check it every other day or so. I cannot give advice, but I am happy to tell you what I do to try to stay positive and healthy.

Take good care of yourself too Tony,

Mary

Dear Mary

Your words are vrry positive and good to hear. Im so glad you live like you do and it gives me hope. My husband was diagnosed with bowel cancer today. I am utterly devestated and just dont know what to do. 

Chantal x

Hello Chantal,

I am devastated for you too, so sorry. Cancer is a horrible disease. And everyone's cancer is different.

I do believe that the following things have helped me to feel more in control, and helped me to keep Hope and Focus so far:

*maintaining an interest in my medical treatment and feeling part of the team with decision making

*healthy lifestyle (with wholesome healthy food, and gentle exercise, whenever possible)

*trying to stay positive, focussing on the things I can do for myself to compliment my treatment

*hope that I might survive this (unreasonable say some, but some people do, so why not me?) and realisation that (although the cancer might one day draw my life to a close -many years from now I hope lol) there is a gap between diagnosis and death. With new treatments, and future progress, that gap might even be a big one! I spent most of my first year in the most tremendous state of panic, and what a dreadful waste of time that was?! I still panic, it wells up inside me most days, but the hospice psychologist spent some time teaching me ways to help myself when it happens, and it is less frequent now and less distressing

*accepting help whenever I need it (see above), and allowing family and friends to help too

Over that last 7 years there have been many challenges in my life, and I have picked up numerous little mental "tricks" that help me to focus, and give me the strength to keep hope and to carry on. I am happy to share anything that has helped me. Above are just a few.

I hope this helps?

Take each day as it comes, and look after yourself too Chantal.

Big huge hugs from me here to you both xxxxx

Hi Mary, I hope you are still doing well. Your post has given me the much needed hope I so desperatly craved. My Dad was told yesterday that he has teminal cancer and is exptected to live for 12 months and my heart is breaking. Can you tell me if it was the treatment that kept this at bay for you? Or was it hope?

Thanks

Tammy

Dear Mary, 

Thank you for giving me hope, I  write to  you  crying my  eyes  out,my  wife  is  at  work doing  12 hours  in  a hospital,she  has to  have a biopsy because  she has  a 5cm mass on  her  lung and a few spots on her spine, she  eats all healthy  food and does  exercise, believes in God, I  on the  the other hand  do none  of that, I  lost  my  sister aged forty after having  breast cancer and then her lungs,my  wife also had breast cancer. This  is  ripping me apart she  is  from  the  Philippines,we were due to go there in March but not sure that will happen now, its  early  days  but  I  am  falling  apart, if  this  was  me  with  cancer  I could  be  stronger but  I  feel  so  helpless  for  my  wife,she is 66 and  in  her  whole life she has  never hurt anyone,never  a argrument or rised voice. How  can  I  stay  positive for  her  and  myself.My wife  has  only  short of  breath  like  you. I only  came  across  this  site  when  surfing I would  hate to  miss  your  reply  so  please feel  free  to  message me. Many thanks. Andrew. 

Dear Mary, 

Thank you for giving me hope, I  write to  you  crying my  eyes  out,my  wife  is  at  work doing  12 hours  in  a hospital,she  has to  have a biopsy because  she has  a 5cm mass on  her  lung and a few spots on her spine, she  eats all healthy  food and does  exercise, believes in God, I  on the  the other hand  do none  of that, I  lost  my  sister aged forty after having  breast cancer and then her lungs,my  wife also had breast cancer. This  is  ripping me apart she  is  from  the  Philippines,we were due to go there in March but not sure that will happen now, its  early  days  but  I  am  falling  apart, if  this  was  me  with  cancer  I could  be  stronger but  I  feel  so  helpless  for  my  wife,she is 66 and  in  her  whole life she has  never hurt anyone,never  a argrument or rised voice. How  can  I  stay  positive for  her  and  myself.My wife  has  only  short of  breath  like  you. I only  came  across  this  site  when  surfing I would  hate to  miss  your  reply  so  please feel  free  to  message me. Many thanks. Andrew. 

Hi Andrew,

Welcome to our forum, although I'm sorry to hear the reason you joined.

Any cancer diagnosis is always a shock, but a terminal one can be devastating. How long has your wife had breast cancer for? I have been where you are now. Twenty-one years ago I lost my mum to secondary breast cancer, which had spread to her bones, brain, liver and lungs. She had coped with her primary cancer for 12 years prior to this. I have had 2 bouts of breast cancer myself in the past 9 and 10 years and now live with the constant fear of spread or recurrence.

It is never easy for loved ones to deal with this diagnosis, as it affects them as much as the patient. You can feel helpess, inadequate and lost, but just being there for her will be a big help. Try to keep the communication channels open between the two of you. Staying positive is not so easy, but it does make a big difference to outcomes. You will feel more empowered once you know exactly what she is facing and discuss what can be done to slow the progression of this awful disease.

One thing that I have noticed is the huge difference in diagnosis, treatment and after care that I have had in comparison to that which my mum experienced. Though there is only 10 years between receiving this, it has come on in leaps and bounds in that time.This is thanks to our friends at Cancer Research and elsewhere, who are constantly striving for improvement.

Do please let us know how your wife gets on. Can you attend her hospital visits with her? This is very helpful. It is also useful to draw up a list of questions before each appointment, to ensure that you don't forget anything important to ask her consultant.

You have a difficult road ahead of you both, but I hope and pray that you both get the strength to see this through.

Remember, that we are always here for both of you.

Kind regards,

Jolamine

Hi jo,

Thank  you,  my  wife  had  breast  cancer  something like  a couple  of  years  ago  now and we  don't  know what  we are  dealing  with  yet  apart from  what  I  have  mentioned, yes  I  can  can  go  to  the  appointments with her  and  we  live  5 minutes  walk  from  the  hospital  so  no  worries  on  paying  for  parking. My wife  seems  to  be  the  strongest  out  of  the two  of  us. 

Hi Andrew,

It is impossible to know what you are dealing with until your wife has some tests - usually a mammogram, an ultrasound and a biopsy. It takes 1-2 weeks for these results to come back, so the sooner your wife can get these done, the sooner she'll get her results. Does she have an appointment to get these tests done yet?

It is handy that you are near to the hospital and better still when you are within walking distance and have no parking charges to contend with.

Your wife may seem to be the strongest, but I'm sure that she is bricking it under the surface and, that she will really appreciate your support

I hope that her appointment comes through soon, if she hasn't already got it.

Kind regards,

Jolamine

Hi Andrew (if you are still following this thread - it's pretty old now).  My wife has just started chemo for a late discovered and unsuspected eosophageal cancer.  It hasn't spread to any organs but is affecting some lymph nodes and we are told, because of that, it's inoperable and incurable.  That sounds terminal to us, and yet other posts here speak of longevity with cancers of a similar or more advanced nature - and that's encouraging.  It's hard not to "take charge" and try to fix the unfixable.  It's not fair on my wife, but I haven't yet got to the stage where I don't question everything, looking for a missed cure, and accept the specialists know what they are doing.  It's harder, much harder, on my wife. 

Hi,

To be honest I have not been on here for a very long time, I had RT over a year ago and then Chemo last September  I lost my taste and appertite so lost three and a half stone in weight, my taste and appertite is still not as it should be and I am very angry that my life has been ruined by RT I am not sure if there may have been a different way of dealing with the cancer on the back of my toung and behind my nose.

The RT got rid of 50% of the mass and the Chemo did not touch it at all it is Plasmacytoma, anyway I have had a break from treatment since Xmas eve so I am getting a little stronger but still struggle to eat and taste I swear I have put on at least ten years and I hate it, hate not being the person I was ,people use to comment on my butt now they say where is your butt,at least I am still here,I must admit I did not think I was going to be with the way I was feeling, the consultant said he was going to give me a bone cell transplant but that seems to be off the books now, I guess what will be will be but I do wonder if the consultants do always know what is best, I have another PET scan early May to see where we go from there to see if the cancer has got better or worse.

Moving on to my wife who has lung cancer that my post was first about, I am pleased to say that she is on targeted treatment and it seems to be working well she has nose bleeds and her fingers became very sore but cutting a long story short she is well enough that she has returned to work, so I guess what I am saying you have to go with what the doctors are saying and sometimes it works out and other times you have to try other things ,my wife eats well and does excercise every day unlike me so again maybe it is also down to how much we put in to help ourselves

There is a bit of an update and hope that it helps some of you cope better with what you are going though.

best wishes Andrew.