Hi

Welcome to the CC forums. I'm sorry you're having so much stress right now.

I'm surprised you father in laws GP has told him he has skin cancer without actually having the skin/lesion tested properly. ( I recently went through such testing and my own GP was very casual about what may or may not be going on until it was properly tested and although she was obviously concerned she certainly didn't tell me I had cancer) Luckily for me there was nothing to be concerned about. 

I can't speak for what's going on in your father in laws head. Perhaps having lost his wife to cancer he's unwilling to put himself through the treatments? Perhaps he feels that he would burden to his family? Or perhaps he's just so shocked and afraid that he's decided to bury his head in the sand and do nothing.

I hope you're all able to chat to him in a non confrontational way so as not to get his back up and manage to get this sorted one way or another. Perhaps even a chat with his GP about your concerns? The GP won't be able to discuss your father in laws health issues but it might be helpful if he gets an I sight into his mindset.

Netty

I am not a doctor or medical worker. 

Your father in law is within his rights to refuse treatment, but wouldn't he like to know what treatment he's refusing?  There are different types of skin cancer, some more dangerous than others and he might need just minor surgery.  It is also possible that the skin problem isn't cancer at all.

Perhaps you could persuade him to go along simply to know where he stands: whether treatment is necessary, what treatment is recommended, prognosis with and without treatment.  Then, armed with this information, he can make a rational decision about what he wants to do next. 

Hi

Welcome to the forum though sorryfor the reason behind you joining the community. This is such a hard time for all the family. Like Netty (hi old friend) I am really surprised that a GP would confirm skin or any other kind of cancer without any testing (unless this particular Dr has specialised knowledge tests would be necessary for an exact diagosis so that relevant treatment could be discussed).  I am wondering if through your father in law's grief  he has become a little lost and confused. Unless your father in law gives his permission for his medical notes to be discussed with you this is going to be a very sensitive issue.

From a personal viewpoint my Dad chose not to persue treatment (different cancer) but he did listen first to advice and then chose to ignore it.  He told me no one else had the right to decide how he wanted to live his life.  My Mum and myself  respected his wishes knowing it would make no difference to argue with him and he never regreted his decision so we are at peace that we supported him throughout. My Dad left behind a wife, daughter, grandchildren and friends who will all remember him with love and are forever grateful for the time spent with him.

I hope you and your family can find the strength to travel this particular journey and the forum is always open if you would like to chat here.  Jules54

Hi,

I must agree with those who have already said it would be unusual for a GP to make a diagnosis based on a visual check only. In fact it would be so unusual to be unprofessioal and irresponsible. A more likely scenario is that the GP said that it could be cancer and this could only be confirmed by a biopsy but your father in law either misheard or jumped to the wrong conclusion. 

My concern would be over him saying he'll arrange things so his sons won't have to lok after him. Has he explained exactly what he meant by this? Sorry to ask.

Best wishes

Dave

You are probably right about the Dr suggesting it could be skin cancer band arranged tests to find out rather than diagnosing himself or herself may have just heard the words skin cancer and didn't really fully listen. The problem is I am getting all this second hand via my husband. I do respect his wishes but wish he would at least go for the initial tests just to see where he stands which is what I would go, no question so I know what I am up against. Again I don't know exactly what he means by saying his sons won't have to look after him, I suppose he means employing help. However it is not as simple as that, will be more expensive than he probably reslises and his sons will still be affected. We want to support him and not just fight against him but at least get a proper diagnosis from the hospital, it doesn't mean he can't still refuse treatment. He won't though and I find that infuriating.

Both my father and my husband have had skin cancer and both had very positive outcomes from their treatment.

My father (in his early eighties at the time) had skin cancer in his ear. He went daily to the hospital for about 3 - 4 weeks for a treatment which consisted of if I remember correctly radioactive wheat being packed into his ear for a few minutes. No side effects and in and out the hospital in no time each day and then able to continue the rest of the day as normal. Now a very sprightly 91 year old with an active social life ( plenty of meals out, holidays and now a much younger girlfriend on his arm!) and no reoccurance of the cancer.

My husband had a more aggressive skin cancer - a malignant melonoma which had grown quite deep into his leg. He was operated on and the melanoma removed with a fair bit of flesh around it. He came out of hospital the evening of the operation. Within a few weeks he was back to normal life with no further treatment just regular checkups. That was over 10 years ago and he has had no reoccurance of the skin cancer since.

Skin cancer treatment need not be invasive and can have no side effects ( as in my Dads case) and even more serious cases can be successfully treated ( as in my husbands).

The problem though as you so rightly put it is his attitude to it. This must be so frustrating for you as it possibly could be treated very easily and successfully, but until he agrees to have further tests to find out what is needed you can't do anything.

If he won't do it for himself your best hope might be to try and get him to do it for someone else that he cares about such as his grandchildren.

A friend refused to give up smoking until his then 10 year old daughter told him that she wanted him to live long enough to see her grow up. He said he couldn't light a cigarette without thinking of her saying that and gave up shortly afterwards - and is still smoke free to this day.

Maybe if your father in law could be persuaded that his grandchildren need a Grandad around for a long while yet that could be key to him accepting help.

Whatever happens I wish you and your father in law the best.

Rachel