Dave,

You mentioned antidepressants, which I have been prescribed. 30 years ago, after being on strike for a year, marriage break up and death of my father, I took some and ended up in fairy land, stopped taking them and vowed never to touch them again.

Have been taking them and am advised it will take 2 weeks to take effect. Worried I might end p in fairy land again, making life easy for everyone else, and I'll be happy not knowing about it.

I have told Sue if this happens, she has got to deal with it, because I will no longer be capable.

One part of me thinks I wouldn't want that, I would no longer be me, but on the other hand it might make it easy for us all.

How on earth do I get the fight back in me?

Tony,

The drugs used to control depression and anxiety have come on a long way in 30 years, they are certainly more subtle in their effects and your GP should be able to help you maintain a balance.  

I'm afraid only you can answer the question about motivation - think of all the things you still want to see and do that are worth fighting for. You might want to talk to your MacMillan nurse to find out what support is available locally. I was just so bl**dy annoyed about the whole situation that my anger probably carried me through the first few weeks. After that, I seemed to settle into a routine with the chemo and, before I knew it, I was coming to the end of the sixth cycle. 

All I can say is try not to over think things. The old saying "one day at a time" is a good one. I set myself mental achievable targets rarely more than two or three weeks away. That said, I do have one or two big ones like still being around at Christmas, seeing the daffodils I planted come up or the clocks going forward. Every day feels like a pleasant surprise and every milestone is worth celebrating. 

You've now done the things you were dreading, especially telling your loved ones your news, Christmas and New Year are behind us, so you can relax a little now. The first chemo session will be unsettling due to the fear of the unknown, but thousands of us have been down that path before and everyone seems to settle into a routine and gets through it. 

Bye for now
Dave 

Thanks Dave anfd Kathy for your replies.

I'm not too worried about the chemo, the sooner the better, and if it is ***, look forward to the good days.

Its the fighting back I'm worried about, if the antidepressants work, without sending me to fairy land (although I really can't understand how happy pills can work if you are still in reality)  and I can then be positive, great.

This morning we had a lay in and Sue eventually said, right, what do you want to do today, and I pulled the quilt over my head and said I want to stay here. Sue realised that I wasn't in my very low moods, so she could joke about it by saying, ok, if you wouldn't do ss you are told you're not going out with your friends this afternoon.Ive got some friends coming down to see me who I haven't seen for years.

Although we both laughed at this, I felt is this the reality of the future. I'm the naughty boy who won't cooperate, I've got to be punished.

Sorry, I'm  rambling now.

Hi Tony ...  I have been following your thread and am glad to see that you now have a treatment plan in place and can get on with stabilising your disease.  I do not have OC but my cancer is incurable so I understand the emotions you are experiencing.

Please be assured that anti-depressants are not anything like they were 30yrs ago and you will definitely not be in fairyland or out of reality!  Your problems will still be there but the medication will just help you to deal with them in a more realistic way. As Kathy has so sensibly pointed out - your GP will monitor you closely and adjust the dosage if needed.

This illness is certainly a challenge to deal with but you must try to stop thinking too far ahead about what may or may not happen - like Dave and Kathy have said - take it a day at a time.  You are not dying of cancer, with the help of your oncology team - you are LIVING with it.  With or without this disease, no-one knows what life has in store for them - good or bad.  I keep sane by knowing that I can sit and cry every day until the inevitable happens or be happy and enjoy my life as it is - thats a personal choice for us all. As for the 'reality of the future' you mentioned - this is in your hands and your hands alone. People can only take over and make us 'co-operate' (as you say) if we allow them to do so and hopefully you will find the strength to live your life as you wish and not as others dictate.

Good luck with the chemo - I am sure you will cope with it well - just rest as needed and listen to your body.  I hope you get help from your GP with your depression.  Sending love x

Having a really bad day today. Antidepressants have made me very tired, and I'm really down. Silly things stay in your mind. A couple of days ago we were looking in Curry's at ttelevisions, and I can't get it out of my mind that they have 5 year guarantees, and I might not see the 5 years. I know its silly, but doesn't the mind play nasty tricks.

Sue went to a party this afternoon, but I just wanted to stay in bed. Later on I decided to walk to the party and got caught in a storm and turned up like a drowned rat. Was a party pooper anyway, as I was so miserable.

Hi Tony .... sorry to hear you have had a bad day. Anti-depressants do sometimes make you feel a little extra-tired for the first few weeks of taking them but as each day passes you will know that you are a day nearer to feeling better, so stick with it!  Like I have said before, with or without cancer, no-one knows what life has in store for them so dont waste your time dwelling on small things like the 5-year guarantee of a TV and be grateful that you were able to walk and feel the rain on your face. Sending love my friend x

I know what you are saying is right, but things like 5 year guarantees, bags for life, really play on a warped mind that has been warped by this *** disease.

I was always confident, optomistic, as a miner, working in conditions you wouldn't believe 3,033 feet underground. I was invincible, but then I was a liot younger then.

I get annoyed when friends glibly say, make the most of what time you have got, unlike posters on this site, they don't understand what we are going through.

Thanks for replies,

Took my antidepressant earlier today and then had a lay in, have now got up, had a shower and we are going shopping. Don't feel as 'drunk' as I did yesterday, taking the antidepressants, made me feel lightheaded and out of it, like being drunk (from what I can remember, it's been many decades since I was drunk before)

Feel a bit better, but still the real nightmare keeps coming back to haunt me of my fate.

I have no religious faith, indeed, I'm  a Humanist and, its a long, long story, but having suffered at the hands of the Catholic Church when I was a governor at a Catholic school, I wrote to the Archbishop demanding to be excommunicated, as I did not want to be a part of such a cruel nasty organisation.

I  have my embossed certificate of excommunication, on parchment, so you can see that I have accepted my end!!!!