My step daughter is from a previous marriage, who has accepted me as 'Dad' whilst rejecting her mum.

Sue loves her as I do but she has no direct relationship with her.

Having a bad day today. Having to hide my crying to avoid the wrath of Sue.

Dreading the next conversation, will it be chemo to reduce tumour and review, or will it just be palliative?

If this thing is growing in me, why do I have to wait til 13th of Jan to see oncologist, and then probably  even longer before any treatment.?

Sorry to hear you're having a bad day, most of us on here have been there.

Try not to get hung up on the term  "palliative" care. Technically I've been on palliative care since I was diagnosed as my primary cancer is inoperable. I do hope they tell you it's the reduce and review option.

The second question is a hard one - to be frank I have no idea why you're having to wait so long. I can understand your frustration - there seems to be a lot of waiting around for bad news whilst worrying about how fast the damned thing is growing.

There are minimum waiting times that all NHS Hospital Trusts are supposed to stick to. For most cancer treatments the target is a maximum of 61 days from the GP sending a cancer referral to the first treatment being given. This is irrespective of the number of diagnostic tests they need to do. If you were a child, or were suspected of having leukemia or testicular cancer, the target would have been 31 days. 

You could try phoning and trying to get an earlier appointment. For what it's worth, I started chemo 8 days after my first consultation with the oncologist - 7 to 14 days seems fairly typical once you've seen the oncologist. 

Good luck.
Dave 

Thanks Davek for your reply, I look forward to hearing from you each time I get down, which is almost all the time now.

When I first visited the GP he decidedit was stress or depression, no examination, no medication and no suggestion of a follow up visit. After 2 weeks I made sn appointment with a different doctor, but, unfortunately, he went sick and ended up seeing the first one again. Without any reference to his previous diagnosis, he reluctantly suggestedan ENT appointment, which would take 6 to 8 weeks. At this point his phone rang and for the next 10to 15 minutes he discussed his forthcoming skiing holiday. Eventually he told the caller to hang on whilst he told me appointment was booked and I didn't need to stay any more, when he then hot back to his conversation. After another 10 days I got to see the GP I wanted to see who instituted an urgent referral to ENT, at which point things happened quickly.

I have made a complaint about the GP,  but have really lost heart in it.

Having bad time with Sue, we're both fonding it difficult, we are talking but not communicating, if you know what I mean. Neither of us seem able to say exactly what we mean..

Hi Kathy,

I am trying to be honest, I know from statistics that oesophagus cancer has a terrible survival rate. I was on a high when chemo, surgery and chemo was suggested, but now that seems to have been withdrawn, I feel I have not got long.

I have always been an optomist, I expected to die peacefully in bed, at the age of 94 having been shot by an irate husband, now In just 3 months I have changed into a morbid death obsessed pessimist.

I can't get out of the mindset. 

Although this has made us very close, Sue has lost all interest in sex, and even though I'm not all that interested, I wanted to make love, just for things to be 'normal ' , but couldn't even get that right.

I've just realised that I know your partner's name but not yours :-) I'm the last person on the planet to give relationship advice - so I will duck that one and stick to the facts as I see them.

I forgot to warn you in my first post against googling survival rates etc. Most of the statistics are years out of date due to the time it takes to gather evidence, peer review and then publish. Any stats published before about 2011 or 2012 are probably be based on data collected over 5 or 6 years ago. In most fields of study this wouldn't be important, but there have been significant improvements in cancer diagnostics and treatment in the past 5 to 10 years ago which won't necessarily have surfaced in any survival or prognosis statistics yet.

The odds do seemed stacked against us but the survival rates you have read are probabl based on a wide range of patients - different cancers, different ages, different stages, different grades, different levels of fitness etc.

Put bluntly: by definition: 
the older you are the less likely you are to survive another 5 years - whether you have cancer or not, this is just common sense as none of us live forever; 
the fitter you are, the higher dosage of chemo or radio-therapy your body will be able to tolerate and the more likely you will have a positive outcome and live longer;
the earlier you are diagnosed, the higher the survival rate; 
the slower your own version of the cancer grows, the higher the chance of stopping it in its tracks.

You and I are both relatively young and relatively fit - which ticks the first two boxes. 

We have both been diagnosed at a relatively late stage - which isn't good.

The one factor you haven't mentioned is the grading of your cancer. I was told in my first meeting with my oncologist that mine was graded at 2 - which means it is expected to be neither slow nor fast growing, somewhere in between. 

You've looked into the abyss and are now probably feel like you are in the worst place you can imagine. Worst case, everything you fear will come true. Best case, you will be one of those who beat the odds. This is not an easy reality for either you or Sue to face, especially if she has been through this before - at least neither of you is in denial, which can be very hard to overcome.  

Don't be too hard on yourself, give yourself time to grieve for what might have been - including the 94 year old shot by a jealous husband scenario - before giving yourself a good talking to and getting on with the job.  

For what it's worth, I strongly believe that if someone is usually an optimist once they get over the shock of a traumatic life event that side of their nature will come to the surface before long. The human brain is a strange thing and seems to be hard-wired with an optimism bias. 

I'm not a tree-hugging hippy, but you already know that the more positive your outlook, the more you will enjoy what's left of your life. 

Cheers
Dave

Hi Dave,

I'm  Tony and I'm  62. 

I don't know what the grade is as I've yet to meet the oncologist, allnthe information  (except for googling stats!!!) has come from the two nurses I have spoken to.

We took Sue's dog out for a long walk, probably 5 miles or more, today, but then I got into trouble with Sue because I choose the route and it was down the 'pit path' which ran from the village down to the Colliery that I used to work at. She asked if we were going to places in cse I never got a chance again. I did show her where the main fan house was, the winding engines, the Lamproom, baths etc and, after 30 years it was all coming back to me, but I felt even sadder then that this was now all derelict.

I was telling Sue  how, when I was a miner, I was invincible, but now this silly cancer has got the better of me.

Sorry to ramble on but do feel so desolate and I know I'm bringing Sue down with me.

TONY

Dave is right. Some times we do find it really hard to square-up to things. I know I do.  It takes time to get to terms with whats happening. 

Wasn't it a lovely day? I am sure you and your wife enjoyed seeing the old place again. I am sure she feels unsure of what lies ahead = but maybe they will have a plan and you can beat the odds. As Dave says - stats are out of date and usually wrong as technology moves along all the time and it will better than what they quote. 

Steven

I found yr posts very moving - we also face uncertainty