Hi Poodle,

A very warm welcome to our forum.

A small number of cancer patients show surprising strength when facing a diagnosis. I find that  that a number of elderly people, such as your mother, really find that their quality of life is poor already and that they don't want to make it any worse with surgery or treatment. The hope of being reunited with deceased partners, looms large in the picture too. This is all understandable, but often difficult for family members to accept. I am glad to hear that you both respect her decision not to have surgery and that you will support her in this.

Despite her bravado, you may find that she will have her moments of uncertainty too, so try to keep the communication channels open and be prepared to help her to negotiate these too. Even the hormone therapy can take it out of her and can carry a lot of side-effects. In particular, this may affect her emotions and she may become more sleepy.

I hope that the CT scan on Sunday will give you an understanding of the bigger picture and that the remainder of her cancer journey is a peaceful one. I lost my own mum to secondary breast cancer, which had spread to her liver, lungs, brain and bones. She was 75 at the time.

You have a hard road ahead of you and I am always here if you need to chat.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Mum, my brother, his wife, my husband and I had a video chat last night because as usual they were ‘To busy’ to come to mums (They only live an hours drive away).
I know they love her but they constantly and roughly tried to bully her into having all treatments offered to her. When she said she wouldn’t be doing any operations, the awful things they started saying and calling her were truly awful. So it ended with us all having a major row.

So for now it at least, there’s only the two of us supporting her through her cancer journey. 

She knew before the Tower incident that I’m absolutely petrified of heights so I‘m suspecting she’s getting her own back because I threw up on her during Christmas dinner when she made me eat a sprout lol. Unfortunately the ct scan results will only give her more of a timeframe for the inevitable. But as you say the memories we make for her & for us in however long she has left are what’s important 

Hi Poodle,

The trip to Whitby sounds like a great success and I'm glad to hear that it lifted your Mum's spirits, even if only for a short while. She obviously enjoyed it, when she's already planned another trip to Blackpool, by the tome that you had arrived home. Mind you, I don't envy you having to go up the Tower. I am petrified of heights too, so I wish you all the best with that one! 

Her appetite can't be that bad, when she managed to polish off her fish and chips. Perhaps she will eat better when she is living with you and has company for her meals? You must have been quite surprised when she accepted your offer for her to move in with you, this time. She should benefit from your company and this should give you peace of mind, that she is close enough for you to look after her welfare 24/7.

I am delighted to hear that your brother has returned to the family fold, even though he hasn't changed his mind about treatment. I know that the CT won't change anything, but it may give you more definite time lines.

It sounds as if your Mum is still quite feisty and up for more family adventures. Enjoy them and makes memories while you can.

I'll be thinking of you on Sunday and hope that it's as successful as the trip to Whitby was.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

She was shovelling it in she was that hungry bless her. As for her moving in I think it will do us all good knowing she’ll now have us with her 24/7. We’re going to make the dining room into her bedroom & we already have a downstairs shower room so everything is ready for her. Oh she’s definitely a feisty one, we were all out for a drink years ago for her 50th birthday when a drunk bloke started having a go at my brother then punched him, mum ran over had slanging match with the man and with one punch knocked him out. 
I’m already feeling sick about the Tower 

Hi Poodle,

It's good to hear that you can make a downstairs bedroom for her and that you already have a shower in place. I love the story about your Mum's 50th birthday - it was certainly an unusual way to celebrate it!

I shall be thinking of you on Sunday and hope that you manage to make it to the top.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Mum said her boob was aching this morning. I had a look and her skin looked red and bruised. When I gently felt her lump it has definitely grown larger since I last felt it last week. I’ve not said anything to her about it as I want her to enjoy tomorrow but Monday I’m getting her in to see our doctor 

Hi Poodle,

Yes you definately need someone to look at it on Monday, it may also be worth ringing her breast cancer nurse if you were given her contact number? 

I hope that it doesnt spoil your trip tomorrow.

Best wishes

Annie

Hi Poodle,

I hope that the ache in your mum's breast has settled down since this morning. It's definitely worth contacting her breast care nurse on Monday morning. You will usually get an answering machine, but the nurses get back to you as quickly as they can.

I expect that it would need to be pretty painful before she would consent to cancel your trip tomorrow!

I hope that you all have a great day.

Jolamine xx

Sunday was a brilliant but freezing cold day. We got to see her oncologist this morning, the scan has shown the cancer hasn’t spread anywhere else but the lymph nodes in her arm pit, he also confirmed that the lump in her breast is definitely bigger than it was. 

Hi Poodle,

I am delighted to hear that you had an enjoyable day on Sunday, despite the cold. Did you make it to the top of the Tower?

The news from your mum's oncologist sounds much more promising, than it might have been. It is great to hear that there is no spread, apart from in her armpit. Did the oncologist make any comment about the increase in size of her breast lump?

What is the next step now?

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

I made it up but then froze until mum wanted to go back down & then I had to be helped into the lift lol.

He said it’s definitely increased in size &  probably the reason why her boob is achy & looks sore.
He has ruled out any chemo, radio because of her health, he did suggest surgery which she refused.

So the plan for now unless she changes her mind & opts for surgery is to make sure she is comfortable & pain free. 

I made it up but then froze until mum wanted to go back down & then I had to be helped into the lift lol.

He said it’s definitely increased in size &  probably the reason why her boob is achy & looks sore.
He has ruled out any chemo, radio because of her health, he did suggest surgery which she refused.

So the plan for now unless she changes her mind & opts for surgery is to make sure she is comfortable & pain free. 

Hi Poodle,

Well done - I'm in awe of you! I won't ask you what the view was like, because if you're anything like me, you wouldn't have seen much of it.

It sounds as if your mum's surgeon still considers surgery as an option, which is reassuring. Did they say what type of cancer she has and what stage it is? 

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

I only saw the insides of my eyelids lol. She has a stage 3B invasive ductal carcinoma 

Hi Poodle,

I'm not surprised, but good on you for doing it!

The only thing that surgery might prevent is your Mum's breast from fungating. I don't know whether this is even a possibility for her,

but, if it is, this might make her change her mind. Maybe this is a question to ask her care team?

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Well mums cancer lump has grown significantly since she moved in. Thankfully she decided she wants it cut out so We’ll be telling her oncologist on Wednesday 

Hi Poodle,

I am so sorry to hear that your mum has stage 3 invasive ductal carcinoma and that you notice such a change in it already. I am glad to hear that she has decided to go ahead with surgery, and hope that this will be the right decision for her. Your brother and his wife should feel happier about this too.

I hope that her oncologist has some plans in place for treatment and that she can have surgery quickly.

Please let us know how she fares on Wednesday.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

So our doctor had to come out yesterday to give mum something stronger for the pain she is in. He gave us a photocopy of the letter her oncologist had sent to him. In it, it states she has stage 4 inflammatory breast cancer (Which is not what he told us at her diagnosis meeting on the 4th January). He felt her lump & said it has grown expediently since he last saw her 10 days ago & he was very worried about the red tracks that have appeared & are heading towards her collar bone. We told him she has had the last 3 appointments to see the oncologist have been cancelled & the latest 1 she has been given is the 24th March. He asked what her Palliative care nurse has said she would do about it we told him no 1 had been to see her. We spoke for almost an hour when we all came to the same conclusion the oncologist had without talking or informing us or him had decided to let her cancer run its course. He also said because the cancer had progressed so quickly we should prepare ourselves for her passing to be much sooner than we were given. To say all of us are angry & disgusted about it all, apart from mum who still doesn’t seem to bothered in fact is happy that dad has been coming to her in her dreams. So today I’m ,under our doctors advice, will be making an appointment to see our solicitor. 

Hi Poodle,

I am so sorry to hear this news. I found that I still had to ask to get my mum's pain medication increased, even when she was in the hospice, so this is something to keep an eye on. I would have thought that even if the consultant had decided to send her home to let the cancer run its course, he should have arranged for a visit from the palliative care team. Have you been provided with a hospital bed? This can be a big help if continence is an issue. I find it hard to believe that you weren't  given the right diagnosis by the oncologist. Even if some of the later tests had shown the cancer to be more advanced than originally thought, he should have told you this - I would be furious. Does this mean that surgery is no longer an option?

The one plus in all of this is the fact that your mum seems ready to go and join your dad. To have had 3 oncology appointments cancelled and then to have to wait until 24th March for another is shocking. Has your GP now arranged for the palliative care team to come out, and did the medication that he prescribed help her pain?

This must be so frustrating for you, when you naturally want the best possible care for your mum.

You are in my thoughts and I am always here for you.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

My beautiful mum peacefully and gracefully passed away at 4.27am yesterday morning. 

Hi Poodle, 

I just came across your post and wanted to offer you my heartfelt condolences for your loss.

I'm sure Jolamine will be along when she can to offer her support to you as well but I just wanted to reassure you that your post has been seen and let you know that we are thinking of you at this difficult time.

Kind regards,

Steph, Cancer Chat Moderator

Thank you for your condolences. We knew at the weekend she was reaching the end so we were heartbreakingly ready. She looked so beautiful when she went to meet my dad