Hi Poodle

Yes, my Mum was very accepting of her diagnoses of secondary breast cancer, which had spread to her bones, liver and lungs.  Both her and my Dad have a very strong faith and believe that when they die, they will be reunited with my sister who died from cancer.  My Mum only lasted 6 weeks before she died, which was 12 months ago.  Both my Dad and I have gained alot of comfort from the fact that she was not scared of dying, and she was ready to pass on to whatever comes next.

Spend as much time and have as many laughs with your Mum for as long as you can.  The memories will help easy the pain of loss, when the time comes.

Best wishes

Annie

Hi Poodle,

A very warm welcome to our forum.

A small number of cancer patients show surprising strength when facing a diagnosis. I find that  that a number of elderly people, such as your mother, really find that their quality of life is poor already and that they don't want to make it any worse with surgery or treatment. The hope of being reunited with deceased partners, looms large in the picture too. This is all understandable, but often difficult for family members to accept. I am glad to hear that you both respect her decision not to have surgery and that you will support her in this.

Despite her bravado, you may find that she will have her moments of uncertainty too, so try to keep the communication channels open and be prepared to help her to negotiate these too. Even the hormone therapy can take it out of her and can carry a lot of side-effects. In particular, this may affect her emotions and she may become more sleepy.

I hope that the CT scan on Sunday will give you an understanding of the bigger picture and that the remainder of her cancer journey is a peaceful one. I lost my own mum to secondary breast cancer, which had spread to her liver, lungs, brain and bones. She was 75 at the time.

You have a hard road ahead of you and I am always here if you need to chat.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

She’s been on great form since Friday She hasn’t been so bossy and chatty for months but she’s already getting menopause symptoms from the hormone inhibitors. In her words “I went through this **** years ago,I aren’t doing it again” so I think she’s going to tell the oncologist in a fortnight she doesn’t want that either. So from now on it’s going to be fun and laughter all the way x

Hi Poodle

I am glad that your mum is still on fine form, I know when my mum got diagnosed again, as soon as she realised that my Dad and I weren't going to try to pressure her into accepting treatment if she didnt want it, she relaxed alot.

I hope that you have many more months of laughter in front of you, but as Jolamine says, she may have her quiet times and as things progress, if she starts experiencing pain, keep in regular contact with her GP.  If you havent already got it in place, it will pay to have your mum give them signed permission to discuss her medication etc with you direct.

I wish you well, just remember that you also need to look after yourself too, as well as your mum. It is hard sometimes to take a step back and to take time out for yourself.

Best wishes

Annie

Mum, my brother, his wife, my husband and I had a video chat last night because as usual they were ‘To busy’ to come to mums (They only live an hours drive away).
I know they love her but they constantly and roughly tried to bully her into having all treatments offered to her. When she said she wouldn’t be doing any operations, the awful things they started saying and calling her were truly awful. So it ended with us all having a major row.

So for now it at least, there’s only the two of us supporting her through her cancer journey. 

Hi Poodle,

It is not unusual for family to try and cling on to a loved one's life, but at what cost? They often think that they are giving them a better chance of survival, but surgery and even more so, treatment, can make life pretty awful for the person involved. At your mum's age and with her co-morbidities, the choice has to be hers. It sounds as if she has already given this much thought and knows her own mind. She will find the support given by you and your husband a big comfort and, hopefully your brother and sister-in-law will come round given time. 

How did the CT scan go yesterday?

Please keep in touch and let us know how things progress. Remember that we are always here for you.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

We should get the results from the scan in 10 -14 days (We still haven’t been sent a letter confirming her appointment). Since the row she’s gone into a deep depression, we’ve struggled to get her to eat, drink & take the medication. I honestly think she has given up 

Hi Poodle,

I can understand how your Mum feels. This is at a time in her life, when she most needs the backing of her family. Do you think that she would consider taking an anti-depressant? A lot of people with  cancer, have to resort to these eventually.  I had family problems myself, early on in my diagnosis and I know how devastated I felt, as a result - the cancer almost became insignificant, as the family rift grew. 

I eventually, and I have to say, most reluctantly went to talk with a counsellor and started taking Venlafaxine. At the time, I felt that the counselling session was a waste of time, but in retrospect, it did help a lot. The family member involved and I settled our differences, but I still take the Venlafaxine 14 years on, as it helps me to deal with changed lifestyle. If you are struggling to get her to eat & drink, have you considered keeping a back-up of Ensure drinks and puddings? These help to keep her calorie intake up and can be prescribed by her GP. She isn't likely to like all of the flavours, so if you can get a mixed tray to start with, this would give you a chance to see what she finds palatable.

There are 2 threads that are active on the forum about refusing treatment, which you might find interesting. The first is under the heading, Introduce Yourself. It is by Plaistow and the title is Refusing Treatment. The second is under the heading, Living with Cancer.  Here Anna-may outlines why she doesn't want to go through chemo again. This is her fourth bout of cancer and it sounds as if she has just had enough.

More waiting for you both before you get the results. Irrespective of the outcome, you will feel better once you know the outcome.

Thinking of you both.

Jolamine  xx

Today we went on a road trip to Whitby. Once there I got her wrapped up in her wheelchair coat that looks like a sleeping bag and 10 packets of hand warmers inside as well.  We went to her favourite fish and chip restaurant and she emptied her plate, spent an hour in the arcades, sat on the pier and talked, laughed and cried. Once back home she was back to her usual self and had planned our next road trip..Blackpool.. I was told “I’ll give you one of my nappies because you are coming up the Tower this time” (I’ve only gone up once when I was 9 and wet myself with fright as soon as the lift doors opened so have refused to go up it anymore).

I asked her if she would think about moving in with us and was I shocked when she said yes almost immediately (We’ve asked time and again since she became housebound and she’s always refused). 
I got in touch with my brother, he apologised to her and said although he couldn’t agree with her treatment decisions he will be by her side through out her cancer journey.

She’s so excited for our family day out on Sunday and he thinks it’s hysterical that I have to go up that blinking Tower. 

Hi Poodle,

I am so pleased that you and your Mum had such a good time on your day out, sounds like a lot of fun had by you both.  Also great news that she has agreed to move in with you, that will take alot of worry away from you.

I hope that you have many more great days out as a family to give many more great memories.Also good news that the peace has been made with your brother.

I hope that the ct results are as good as they can be when you get them, but regardless of that, as long as your Mum remains as happy and pain free as possible for as long as possible, that is the main thing.

Best wishes, enjoy Blackpool tower!!

Annie