Hi Poodle,

A very warm welcome to our forum.

A small number of cancer patients show surprising strength when facing a diagnosis. I find that  that a number of elderly people, such as your mother, really find that their quality of life is poor already and that they don't want to make it any worse with surgery or treatment. The hope of being reunited with deceased partners, looms large in the picture too. This is all understandable, but often difficult for family members to accept. I am glad to hear that you both respect her decision not to have surgery and that you will support her in this.

Despite her bravado, you may find that she will have her moments of uncertainty too, so try to keep the communication channels open and be prepared to help her to negotiate these too. Even the hormone therapy can take it out of her and can carry a lot of side-effects. In particular, this may affect her emotions and she may become more sleepy.

I hope that the CT scan on Sunday will give you an understanding of the bigger picture and that the remainder of her cancer journey is a peaceful one. I lost my own mum to secondary breast cancer, which had spread to her liver, lungs, brain and bones. She was 75 at the time.

You have a hard road ahead of you and I am always here if you need to chat.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi Poodle,

A very warm welcome to our forum.

A small number of cancer patients show surprising strength when facing a diagnosis. I find that  that a number of elderly people, such as your mother, really find that their quality of life is poor already and that they don't want to make it any worse with surgery or treatment. The hope of being reunited with deceased partners, looms large in the picture too. This is all understandable, but often difficult for family members to accept. I am glad to hear that you both respect her decision not to have surgery and that you will support her in this.

Despite her bravado, you may find that she will have her moments of uncertainty too, so try to keep the communication channels open and be prepared to help her to negotiate these too. Even the hormone therapy can take it out of her and can carry a lot of side-effects. In particular, this may affect her emotions and she may become more sleepy.

I hope that the CT scan on Sunday will give you an understanding of the bigger picture and that the remainder of her cancer journey is a peaceful one. I lost my own mum to secondary breast cancer, which had spread to her liver, lungs, brain and bones. She was 75 at the time.

You have a hard road ahead of you and I am always here if you need to chat.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Mum, my brother, his wife, my husband and I had a video chat last night because as usual they were ‘To busy’ to come to mums (They only live an hours drive away).
I know they love her but they constantly and roughly tried to bully her into having all treatments offered to her. When she said she wouldn’t be doing any operations, the awful things they started saying and calling her were truly awful. So it ended with us all having a major row.

So for now it at least, there’s only the two of us supporting her through her cancer journey. 

Hi Poodle,

It is not unusual for family to try and cling on to a loved one's life, but at what cost? They often think that they are giving them a better chance of survival, but surgery and even more so, treatment, can make life pretty awful for the person involved. At your mum's age and with her co-morbidities, the choice has to be hers. It sounds as if she has already given this much thought and knows her own mind. She will find the support given by you and your husband a big comfort and, hopefully your brother and sister-in-law will come round given time. 

How did the CT scan go yesterday?

Please keep in touch and let us know how things progress. Remember that we are always here for you.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

We should get the results from the scan in 10 -14 days (We still haven’t been sent a letter confirming her appointment). Since the row she’s gone into a deep depression, we’ve struggled to get her to eat, drink & take the medication. I honestly think she has given up 

Hi Poodle,

I can understand how your Mum feels. This is at a time in her life, when she most needs the backing of her family. Do you think that she would consider taking an anti-depressant? A lot of people with  cancer, have to resort to these eventually.  I had family problems myself, early on in my diagnosis and I know how devastated I felt, as a result - the cancer almost became insignificant, as the family rift grew. 

I eventually, and I have to say, most reluctantly went to talk with a counsellor and started taking Venlafaxine. At the time, I felt that the counselling session was a waste of time, but in retrospect, it did help a lot. The family member involved and I settled our differences, but I still take the Venlafaxine 14 years on, as it helps me to deal with changed lifestyle. If you are struggling to get her to eat & drink, have you considered keeping a back-up of Ensure drinks and puddings? These help to keep her calorie intake up and can be prescribed by her GP. She isn't likely to like all of the flavours, so if you can get a mixed tray to start with, this would give you a chance to see what she finds palatable.

There are 2 threads that are active on the forum about refusing treatment, which you might find interesting. The first is under the heading, Introduce Yourself. It is by Plaistow and the title is Refusing Treatment. The second is under the heading, Living with Cancer.  Here Anna-may outlines why she doesn't want to go through chemo again. This is her fourth bout of cancer and it sounds as if she has just had enough.

More waiting for you both before you get the results. Irrespective of the outcome, you will feel better once you know the outcome.

Thinking of you both.

Jolamine  xx

Today we went on a road trip to Whitby. Once there I got her wrapped up in her wheelchair coat that looks like a sleeping bag and 10 packets of hand warmers inside as well.  We went to her favourite fish and chip restaurant and she emptied her plate, spent an hour in the arcades, sat on the pier and talked, laughed and cried. Once back home she was back to her usual self and had planned our next road trip..Blackpool.. I was told “I’ll give you one of my nappies because you are coming up the Tower this time” (I’ve only gone up once when I was 9 and wet myself with fright as soon as the lift doors opened so have refused to go up it anymore).

I asked her if she would think about moving in with us and was I shocked when she said yes almost immediately (We’ve asked time and again since she became housebound and she’s always refused). 
I got in touch with my brother, he apologised to her and said although he couldn’t agree with her treatment decisions he will be by her side through out her cancer journey.

She’s so excited for our family day out on Sunday and he thinks it’s hysterical that I have to go up that blinking Tower. 

Hi Poodle,

I am so pleased that you and your Mum had such a good time on your day out, sounds like a lot of fun had by you both.  Also great news that she has agreed to move in with you, that will take alot of worry away from you.

I hope that you have many more great days out as a family to give many more great memories.Also good news that the peace has been made with your brother.

I hope that the ct results are as good as they can be when you get them, but regardless of that, as long as your Mum remains as happy and pain free as possible for as long as possible, that is the main thing.

Best wishes, enjoy Blackpool tower!!

Annie

She knew before the Tower incident that I’m absolutely petrified of heights so I‘m suspecting she’s getting her own back because I threw up on her during Christmas dinner when she made me eat a sprout lol. Unfortunately the ct scan results will only give her more of a timeframe for the inevitable. But as you say the memories we make for her & for us in however long she has left are what’s important 

Hi Poodle,

The trip to Whitby sounds like a great success and I'm glad to hear that it lifted your Mum's spirits, even if only for a short while. She obviously enjoyed it, when she's already planned another trip to Blackpool, by the tome that you had arrived home. Mind you, I don't envy you having to go up the Tower. I am petrified of heights too, so I wish you all the best with that one! 

Her appetite can't be that bad, when she managed to polish off her fish and chips. Perhaps she will eat better when she is living with you and has company for her meals? You must have been quite surprised when she accepted your offer for her to move in with you, this time. She should benefit from your company and this should give you peace of mind, that she is close enough for you to look after her welfare 24/7.

I am delighted to hear that your brother has returned to the family fold, even though he hasn't changed his mind about treatment. I know that the CT won't change anything, but it may give you more definite time lines.

It sounds as if your Mum is still quite feisty and up for more family adventures. Enjoy them and makes memories while you can.

I'll be thinking of you on Sunday and hope that it's as successful as the trip to Whitby was.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

She was shovelling it in she was that hungry bless her. As for her moving in I think it will do us all good knowing she’ll now have us with her 24/7. We’re going to make the dining room into her bedroom & we already have a downstairs shower room so everything is ready for her. Oh she’s definitely a feisty one, we were all out for a drink years ago for her 50th birthday when a drunk bloke started having a go at my brother then punched him, mum ran over had slanging match with the man and with one punch knocked him out. 
I’m already feeling sick about the Tower 

Hi Poodle,

It's good to hear that you can make a downstairs bedroom for her and that you already have a shower in place. I love the story about your Mum's 50th birthday - it was certainly an unusual way to celebrate it!

I shall be thinking of you on Sunday and hope that you manage to make it to the top.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx