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Mum has breast cancer. Devastated and lost. What do I do?

dianaec61
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Hi everyone, 

Last week I was told that my beautiful mum has breast cancer, and I'm absolutely devastated.

She's been told that she has a 2cm tumour following mammogram, scan (I think probably ultrasound) and a biopsy. She's not had the results back from the biopsy yet so feel like am in purgatory waiting to find out what type of cancer it is. She asked straight up if she had breast cancer, to which the consultant replied yes. There was a Macmillan nurse with her too, who said she is likely looking at a lumpectomy. As far as she's been told, it hasn't spread to her lymph nodes. 

She is 60 and suffers with bad health anyway (smoker, she has COPD). She's had pneumonia twice in the past, the second time nearly killed her. I'm petrified of her being in a clinical environment due to her health vulnerabilities and the infections she may pick up in hospital. I'm told that the local hospital has a really good oncology department, but I'm still petrified. I know she's in a good position as they've caught it early, and that BC treatment has come on a lot, but I still can't believe this is happening. She keeps saying that she's in denial, and I am too. She's hoping that they've made a mistake and the biopsy will come back clear, and I'm trying to be positive and strong for her sake, but I don't want to give her false hope. Is it even possible that the doctor got it wrong? 

To make matters worse, my mum is the primary carer for my eldest sister's kid as she struggles with addiction. My parents are married but Mum very much does most of the practical side of caring for the child, as well as doing all the housework. She was finding it hard anyway, as parents run their own business and works 6 days a week as well as caring for a small child at her age. The business isn't doing well and it won't be possible to get a replacement for when Mum is off having treatment, so it's likely that they will lose their income, too. Are there benefits available for people who can't work due to having cancer treatment? I have so many questions and don't even know where to start. 

I'm in my mid 20s and supposed to finish my university degree this year, but with this happening I don't see how it's possible, partly because I'm so devastated but also because I don't see how my family will cope without the support. I have a 12 year old sister who is very sensitive and is very attached to Mum, and I know she is going to be just heartbroken by this news and I really don't know how she will cope with it. I live between 2 places normally (partner's home and my flat at uni), so I came home since Friday after the news to see everyone. There has been lots of tears and my mum has told me she is scared and that she's afraid she will die. I told her she needs to be strong and fight this disease, and not to think like that, but at the same time I am so sad to hear her talking like that. I'm afraid too.

Today is Valentine's Day and I'm going back to my partner's house to spend the time together and I can't help but feel horrendously guilty for leaving my family so close to the biopsy results. I feel angry that this has happeend to her. I'm grieving for the life we had before cancer. I'm only young and feel like I used to have so much freedom and my whole life ahead of me -- living in the city, I have a great job and make good money, I really wanted to see the world and experience life in its full colours. I know these are selfish thoughts and feel so guilty for feeling like this, but now I feel like I no longer have control over my own life.

I think I'm likely going to have to give up my flat in the city and move back to my hometown, a thought I find wholly depressing if I'm honest, but I feel like I have to do what I can to support my family. I don't see how they are going to cope without me -- I have three older siblings -- eldest is aforementioned addict, middle has no contact with us, and youngest has 3 kids (one of which is newborn baby). She's amazing but suffers with her own health and simply won't have the time to be able to support the family in the practical ways they will need when mum is having treatment. I'm also so scared of losing out on time with mum, as morbid as that sounds, and know I could never forgive myself if I remained living far away and something were to happen to Mum. I would never forgive myself for pursuing my own selfish needs above being with my family.
 

I'm so scared that my mum won't be there to see me get married, have children of my own etc. It just feels like everything I once took as a certainty is now hanging in the balance. I don't know what the point of this post is other than to ask, if anybody has been in a similar position, am I doing the right thing by giving up my own stuff to support my family? Is there hope for people with this disease who have pre existing health issues? I'd love to hear your advice because right now I feel totally lost and hopeless. 
 

Thanks, D x 

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    Hi Diana, 

     

    im new here, this is my first post. I've just been reading your post and just want to reach out and give you a big hug ! Xxx 

    I totally understand your concerns re your mum and also feeling very scared and not knowing what to do for the best , the guilt, perusing your career and living your own life to and probably also feel that given your siblings situations it's left down to you, all completely normal to feel like that at a time like this. 
     

    However, I just wanted to say firstly I do understand your concerns regarding mum having other health issues but what you've got to remember is the surgeons woukdnt be discussing a lumpectomy and treatment if they didn't think your mums health was up to it and survive the surgery , so try and look at it that way if you can, she's in the best hands these surgeons knkw what they are doing. Although any surgery is a difficult thing to go through , a lumpectomy is not as bad as ther sugeries , I'm not saying it's nothing , not at all but it's the best outcome if you are going to have any surgery. 
     

    my mum was diagnosed with about the same size lump as yours in 2011, I was like you when I found out , I was in absolute bits when her and dad sat me and my sister down and told us , I was living with my parents and sister at the time whilst looking for a house close by whilst my partner was 80 miles  away in our house whilst we lived with parents for 2 years as I have a disabled child, well he's 15 yrs old now , anyway mum said we are going to have to move back home for a few months whikst she had the lumpectomy and radiation treatment as obviously couldn't cope with us being here as I always need support with my son and woukdnt have been fair in mums recovery. That was so hard I had to go 80 miles away whikst my older sister and dad looked after her. 
    mum was 68 years old then and everything went fine , no problems , they took some lymph nodes just to check and she as fine , obviously she eas sore, mums was estrogen receptive so she had to have hormone tablets for 5 years afterwards, anyway what I'm trying to say is mum will be fine , you will be , fine , you will get through this. 
     

    I didn't want to read and not post, especially with your situation being similiar as far as mums concerned, mums still here and doing well. 
    me not so well I'm waiting for my clinic diagnosis on Wednesday, I'm petrified as I have a lot of symptoms and just left things due to fear , pandemic and trying to cope with my son as he's totally dependent on me 24/7 ....anyway, mines another story.

     

    Wishing you and your mum all the best xx

    claire 

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    So sorry to hear about your mum's diagnosis. I know how hard it is waiting for biopsy results. I was diagnosed in January and the week between doing the biopsy and getting the results was one of the worst. In my case at the biopsy the radiologist said the mass was suspicious and I knew then it was cancer as I have a family history .

    Try not to panic though as until you get the results of the biopsy you will not know what treatment your mum will need . Treatments are more advanced and tailored now. They will be able to say what grade the cancer is ie how fast growing at the diagnosis appointment - confirm the size and what type of cancer it is. All of these factors will help decide treatment .Survival rates are high these days due to medical advances plus it's small and was caught early.  If small she may have a lumpectomy ie removing the cancer and an area around it. That is usually a day operation and recovery takes about a week or so. if it hasn't spread to the lymph nodes ( they will remove a few lymph nodes to check ) she is likely to have radiotherapy and then to take a pill for 5 years with annual mammograms for the next 5 years too. Radiotherapy is done either over 5 days at high intensity or 15 days . If chemo is needed they will explain this at the diagnosis appointment .

    Like everyone your mind goes into overdrive with worry and panic which is all understandable . I am battling my own demons at the moment. I have grown up children one of whom lives 200 miles away and like you my children wanted to help as much as they could. My advice would be to try and stay clam and await the outcome of the diagnosis appointment to see what treatment your lovely mum will need . You can then work out with your family what support will be needed. You sound like an amazing caring daughter 
     

     

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    So sorry to read your post and the insurmountable issues you may be facing, this part with all the uncertainty and all the unanswered questions is a horrendous time. BUT once you have the definitive diagnosis and what the treatment options are then the whole experience is much more manageable. I was diagnosed at the beginning of covid, and I am a single parent of 2 children & sole wage earner, so my whole world fell apart, I couldn't see my partner, family, or friends. The best advice I can give is to take one step at a time, I was lucky and had a lumpectomy and sentinel node biopsy with no spread and then radiotherapy, I know you probably can't believe it now but once you know what is going on you will all feel a little better. And like [@spiritlove]‍ has said even with your mums' other health conditions the Dr's caring for her will choose the safest and best management plan for her. I am sending you lots of virtual hugs on this day of love and wishing your mum all the best and know that she will be well looked after xx

  • Offline in reply to spiritlove

    Thank you for this lovely and reassuring reply Claire. I'm so sorry to hear you went through a similar thing with your mum, but it's really positive to hear that she made a full recovery. It's given me a lot of hope to read your story and know that there is hope and things can get better. You're right when you say I feel like it's all down to me -- I hadn't been able to verbalise that thought but that's exactly how I'm feeling. I'm the only one of her children with a good job and a stable life and the means to support her. It's going to be hard but it's really hopeful to hear that others have been through the same and come out the other side.

    I'm also so sorry to hear you're worried about your own health at the moment. I can understand how tough it must be caring for your son with additional needs, my mum's always been the same, she's always put the kids before herself at the expense of her own health and happiness. You sound like an incredible and really strong woman, so I'm sure you will have that same strength with beating any illness you might be facing. You can't blame yourself for delaying things because of the pandemic, childcare responsibilites, etc. It won't help you and will only make you feel worse. Keep positive and focus on recovering, and try not to think the worst, you've not yet had your diagnosis so you still don't know what it is exactly you're dealing with. I know the ambiguity is hard, but try and take each day as it comes. I'll be thinking of you, let me know how you get on Wednesday -- that's the same day as Mum's biopsy results so I'll let you know how she got on.

    Take care, D xxx 

  • Offline in reply to Nims

    Hi Nims, thanks for your reply and kind words. Hearing you explain the process at the diagnosis appointment is reassuring and it'll be great to have some answers when we get the results tomorrow, it's just a waiting game until then I suppose.

    Also, I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling with your own health at the moment, looking at your profile I can see you've been diagnosed with BC. I really do hope your treatment is going well and you're being looked after by the doctors, family and friends. Stay as positive as you can do, and as a child of someone with cancer, I know all your children will want is for you to get better and be there for you as much as they can. Lots of love, take care darling 

    D ️ xxx

  • Offline in reply to 123nelly

    Hi Nelly, thanks so much for sharing your story, I'm so pleased your treatment went well and wish you long and healthy remission. It must have been so difficult to go through that during the pandemic and have limited access to your support network -- it's horrendous at the best of times but add a pandemic and it's even worse. You sound like a really resilient and incredible person. I wish you all the best and lots of love  ️

    You're right, when we have the diagnosis appt tomorrow I think things will be put a bit more into perspective and I will have a clearer view on what needs to be done to support Mum in the best way that I can. I'll update tomorrow.

    Love, D xxx

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