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Why am I not feeling anything

DeeDee46
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Back story - 46 yr old female went to GP with lump in neck 8/9 and after a quick succsession of tests found myself under the surgeons knife after being diagnosed with papillary thyroid cancer on 8/9.

Cancer was in both sides of thyroid, attached to trachea, large nodules and quite deep and in 3 of 10 lymph nodes removed (which didn't show on n CT scan). I now face high dose of radioiodine treatment.

I was also re-admitted to hospital 2 weeks after surgery with breathing diffulty which turns out to be due to vocal chord damage which could take 6 months to heal.

My question is, why do I feel numb to it all? My way of dealing with stressful situations would be to get out in the open and walk but I can't even get up the stairs without breathing like a fish out of water so that is out the question.

I have been off work for a month and consultant said I won't be returning anytime soon. Normally I would worry about being off so long but I am not. 

I am a sole parent looking after 2 teenagers so I don't know if I have switched off for their sake or mine?

Will it hit me once it is over I wonder? I am a very no nonsense practical type of person any way but I'm beginning to think being this switched off isn't normal.

Maybe I haven't had time to deal with it all yet. Has anyone else felt the same.

Sending positivity in uncertain times

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    Hello DeeDee, I feel quite akin to your feelings.Apart from the actual day I found out and had a mini melt down in the shower on my own,I have really just cracked on with it too.Mine was a shock as I'd been treated for a bad back for 18 months,Sciatic pains etc,even had an MRI which showed 2 bulging discs.I was referred to physio where they assessed me and had me doing exercises.The pain got sooo bad and was keeping me awake every night so my Husband insisted we went privately.The Doctor put me at ease and thought it would be Trochanteric Bursitis and would be cured with and injection in the muscle,He sent me off for an MRI of my lower back hip and thigh.I came out of that and was then told I needed an X-ray and to return that night to see a different Doctor.He also asked if I had any other lumps? We returned that night and I was told fairly bluntly that I had a huge mass in my thigh and the shadow on my femur was cancer.He thought the mass would be a tumour.

    I had to go home and wait for a CT scan.Then another MRI,then a biopsy. In my head I was thinking I'd be losing my leg.Eventually the biopsy came back saying it was aggressive follicular B cell Non Hodgkins  lymphoma and the lymphoma in my thigh was stage 4.The people that did my biopsy saw no reason for my femur to be strengthened,it then snapped like a twiglet a couple of weeks after and I had to be fitted  with a gamma nail from hip to knee.I then started chemo the next week. I can't believe I've done it,18 weeks.
    I'm just waiting for my PET scan to see if it's gone now..I think I was more worried about everyone else being worried so I have kept it all quite light hearted.There are bad days,but not soo bad.

    if I can help in anyway,I'd be pleased to.

    Take care,Tory 

  • Offline in reply to Tory007

    So sorry to hear that you have been through the mill Tory. Thank you for your reply too.

    I think I have switched off as no one likes to hear the word Cancer. My close friends have been a god send and are very supportive and so have my family. I don't know how much my girls understand so don't push, they say I'm still nagging so must be fine. Kids eh! However I do feel like a fraud as others suffer far worse than me. 

    I am just waiting for my review as my consultant took a rather long holiday after my op to see what steps are next.

    Used Dr Google for tips to help vocal chord damage and any exercises which will help as I want breathing back to normal. Only basic info given to me really from a consultant at hosp.

    1 day I did feel sorry for myself I got a good talking to from mum as she doesn't want me sinking into a depression I think so I paint a smile and carry on.

    And yes we find ourselves on a path we must follow to the end, with possible bumps on the way. 

    My bumps have been the "worst case scenarios" painted at hospital visits which have happened to me. It it wasn't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all as they say lol.

    Onwards and upwards. Today was better than yesterday and tomorrow will be better than today I am sure.

    Keep smiling

  • Offline in reply to DeeDee46

    Oh don't think that,yours is just as hard a road as anyone that has had cancer.Itmustbe really scary not being able to breathe properly too. I've tried not to Google,it's too scary on there and it often doesn't apply to us all.
    It sounds like you have plenty of support,makes you realise how wonderful your family and friends are. 
    I hope your review goes ok,each step is a bit scary isn't it but what doesn't kill us makes us stronger as the song goes.Wishing you all the best,keep smiling.xx

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