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Partner diagnosed with Lung & liver cancer, feeling alone

Lauralou83
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My 49 year old partner of 4 years found out yesterday  he has Lung cancer that's spread to his liver. It's aggressively attacking his liver and has to start treatment tomorrow. 

We have only been back together for the last 8 weeks following a 6 month separation due to a huge family argument in December. His family absolutely hate me (for no other reason than being purely jealous of our relationship - that's another story), and as far as I know they don't know we are back together because he worries about them turning thier back on him.

I have been supporting him during his tests, but I haven't been allowed to go to any appointments with him because his mother has been taking him, which is fine and I totally understand that. In fairness to him he's kept me informed by calling me and telling me everything that gone on in the appointments etc. even calling me from the hospital yesterday as soon as he found out his diagnosis.
 

However, I haven't been able to see him since he found out yesterday because I can't  just turn up at his house as I will be unwelcome by his family and I don't want to cause any additional stress for him or his mother and daughter. 
 

I just feel completely helpless and selfishly I just want to hold him and see him before he embarks on his treatment but I simply just can't because I dare not rock the boat. 
 

Its such a strange feeling, I'm completely and utterly devastated but it's like I'm very much going to be on the outside looking in as I don't think I'm going to be allowed to be there to support him through this.
 

Im trying to stay positive and trying so hard not to put pressure on my partner to see me. 
 

I know how ridiculous this all sounds, we are grown adults, and should just be able to all be there for one another, but the family are very insular (think of the Mitchell's from Eastenders) if you're not officially one of them then you're not important. 
 

I love him so much, the thought of him going through this is absolutely heartbreaking, especially as he is in so much pain, and his family must be absolutely devastated, but they all have each other to help them through it. I feel very alone and completely helpless.

 

I just wondered if there's anyone else who has been in a similar position and can offer any comfort or words of wisdom on how I get my self through this to be strong for him?

If he does take a turn for the worst, could he ask the hospital to keep me up to date on his progress etc, or will they only speak to his mother?

Parents
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    Hi Lauralou,

    How awful for you.  If it helps to comfort you any, you're not generally allowed anyone in with you anyway for treatments like chemotherapy and radiotherapy, they don't have the space and also due to Covid.  He could text you or call you though before and after the treatments to keep you involved on how he's feeling and what it was like, before he goes out to other waiting rooms or wherever his mum is waiting.  And you could check if the hospital have a Maggie's Centre, it's for you too and a walk in place to get support.  Their motto is if you care about someone with cancer, we care about you.  They have leaflets you can take on all sorts of things cancer related.  They generally have counsellors for emotional support too and I'm betting they've come across all types of situations although you'd need to ask about an appointment while there if interested.  Pop in and have a look around if it helps you to feel more involved.  Cancer affects everyone connected and that's very much you. 

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    Hi Lauralou,

    How awful for you.  If it helps to comfort you any, you're not generally allowed anyone in with you anyway for treatments like chemotherapy and radiotherapy, they don't have the space and also due to Covid.  He could text you or call you though before and after the treatments to keep you involved on how he's feeling and what it was like, before he goes out to other waiting rooms or wherever his mum is waiting.  And you could check if the hospital have a Maggie's Centre, it's for you too and a walk in place to get support.  Their motto is if you care about someone with cancer, we care about you.  They have leaflets you can take on all sorts of things cancer related.  They generally have counsellors for emotional support too and I'm betting they've come across all types of situations although you'd need to ask about an appointment while there if interested.  Pop in and have a look around if it helps you to feel more involved.  Cancer affects everyone connected and that's very much you. 

Children
  • Offline in reply to Optimistic2022

    Hi there, thank you so much for your reply. That's really comforting to me. I think it will definitely help. I may have a look through Velindre website this evening and see what support is available. Anything I can do to get my self through this so that I'm not burdening him is worth a shot.
     

    thank you for your excellent advice. It's really helpful.

     

    best wishes

    Laura

  • Offline in reply to Lauralou83

    Hi – here is the on-line link for Maggies in case you need it. There is a drop-in centre at the cancer hospital, which does have its own local Maggies site. However, often the national sites have extra information – it is the same for a lot of charities, I've found, Mind, AgeUk etc. Going on the national as well as the local site can link you into more resources. There is also a national helpline.

    https://www.maggies.org

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