Hello Lauralou83, what an awful situation to find yourself in, my husband had lung cancer that spread to his liver so I understand how you feel.  There are just a few things that flag up in this story, to be diagnosed one day and start treatment the following day is very quick as normally treatment would be geared up to his bloods and his type of cancer but that's just what happened in our case.  He is a grown man and although this is tough on you both he needs to consider your situation, not being involved surely is not an option in a good and honest relationship, family or not.  He would've been allocated a cancer nurse whom you can talk to once he has agreed to this, it's all private and they will keep you informed of what is happening or if you are worried they will help you.  All he has to do is agree to this and none  of his family will know.  You need support as well, so sometimes we need to rock the boat, stand up for ourselves and our loved one, if he doesn't want you involved then it's going to be extremely hard for you being left on the outside.  Mothers can be over bearing and he is a grown man, she needs to accept that, he should be her main concern and if you make him happy, he needs your support.  Good luck, Carol 

Hi Carol, thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I'm sorry to hear what your Husband has gone through. It's such a cruel world. 
 

It's really helpful for me to know about the cancer nurse, I did have an inkling, but I'm so afraid of upsetting anyone that I haven't asked. 
 

He is calling me after his treatment today (that's what he's said, so hopefully he will feel up to it). I'll ask him then to have a chat with the cancer nurse. 
 

It will help me deal with it all a lot better as I can then ask questions to understand what's going on. I'm sure he wouldn't deny me that and it may help him in the long run because I won't be bombarding him with questions all of the time. 
 

Yes, it's very concerning that they've got him in for treatment within two days. I'll be honest, I've read and read and read the internet, both good and bad stories (it's impossible not to) and it's very concerning. He sounding optimistic, and I have to go along with that and encourage it, even though I know that the outlook isn't good. 
 

He's never been very good at dealing with his families pressures, they are extreme over baring and it's caused us a lot of issue in the past. It's even more difficult now. I've just had to accept it, time and time again. All I can do is tell him how much I care for him and that I want to help him too. Even if it's just to cuddle him through the night. Something that they can't give him.

I don't feel I have the right to be angry about it, at the end of the day we have been together for 4 years, they have been there forever. 

What I find strange is when he was told, they didn't tell him it's incurable, or give him any idea of best or worst case scenario. This could be because the consultant was a neck and head specialist and not a lung and liver specialist, but I can't help thinking because he didn't ask the question, they didn't tell him.  
 

Do you think he will know more after his appointment at the cancer treatment hospital today?

thnaks again for your reply. Honestly it helps, I feel stronger today. I've washed my hair and put my face on. I will not cry today!! (Too much)

best wishes

Laura
 

Hi Lauralou,

How awful for you.  If it helps to comfort you any, you're not generally allowed anyone in with you anyway for treatments like chemotherapy and radiotherapy, they don't have the space and also due to Covid.  He could text you or call you though before and after the treatments to keep you involved on how he's feeling and what it was like, before he goes out to other waiting rooms or wherever his mum is waiting.  And you could check if the hospital have a Maggie's Centre, it's for you too and a walk in place to get support.  Their motto is if you care about someone with cancer, we care about you.  They have leaflets you can take on all sorts of things cancer related.  They generally have counsellors for emotional support too and I'm betting they've come across all types of situations although you'd need to ask about an appointment while there if interested.  Pop in and have a look around if it helps you to feel more involved.  Cancer affects everyone connected and that's very much you. 

Hello again, when my husband was diagnosed, he had lung scans,  full body scan, a biopsy on his lung to determine the cancer type, they need this to diagnose what type to treat.  There is also a meeting held with all concerned with the treatment to ensure its targeted at the cancer he has been diagnosed with.  Obviously  I  have no idea what he has had done as you've kept it short as you only know what he has told you.  We were given the statistics when advised of the stage, Norman's was stage 4 so incurable but treatable, he had chemotherapy, radiotherapy and finally immunotherapy over five years but he was now 75 years old and he could not take any more treatment.  I hope his treatment goes well.  Carol 

Hi there, thank you so much for your reply. That's really comforting to me. I think it will definitely help. I may have a look through Velindre website this evening and see what support is available. Anything I can do to get my self through this so that I'm not burdening him is worth a shot.
 

thank you for your excellent advice. It's really helpful.

best wishes

Laura

Hi – here is the on-line link for Maggies in case you need it. There is a drop-in centre at the cancer hospital, which does have its own local Maggies site. However, often the national sites have extra information – it is the same for a lot of charities, I've found, Mind, AgeUk etc. Going on the national as well as the local site can link you into more resources. There is also a national helpline.

https://www.maggies.org

Hi Carol. Wow, 5 years! That's incredible.
 

He found a lump above his collar bone at the beginning of April, went to see about it at the end of April, then he paid privately to see a specialist who did a full check of his head, neck, lymph nodes, ultrasound and a biopsy from his neck.

then he had to have an upper body CT scan on Monday, and was called on Wednesday morning to go in straight away, and today he has his first appointment at the specialist cancer hospital.
 

Its all been incredibly fast. He's obviously beside him self but is being so strong. I'm so proud of that way he's handling it, and I know he will fight it if he can for his two beautiful children. 
 

Perhaps today will be more tests etc to determine treatment.  
 

I'll keep this thread updated, as I hope it'll help anyone in the same position. Laura

Yes it all happens very fast when you have been diagnosed with cancer, I hope today they will set out a plan of treatment so you know what to expect.  Take care, Carol 

Hello. So today it was confirmed that it's incurable. Without treatment he has a few months at best, but with treatment it could be years, but obviously they won't know until they see how it reacts. They aren't concerned about the lung cancer, but are most concerned about the liver cancer. 

He will start 12 weeks of chemo every 3 weeks on Tuesday. Today they did bloods etc etc. 

When I spoke to him he initially said I could only see him for an hour on Sunday because his daughter is now staying there every night, and obviously I told him how upsetting it was and that he was important to me too. 

I asked him if I can have the details of his cancer nurse and he said of course that was fine. He sounded so shakey on the phone. He been in a lot of pain today. It's heartbreaking.

He then text a few minutes later and asked me to go to his house and stay the night tomorrow. 
 

It was upsetting to have it confirmed, but just to hold him, will mean so much. Sometimes it's better to be there in person so you don't have to find the words you know?

thanks again for your support today. 
 

I did manage to get through until 18:45 with no tears today, and I think that was because I've been able to talk about it on here. 
 

Laura