Hi BSS, welcome to the forum that no-one ever wants to join.  I have had breast cancer twice.  When I had my chemo, bits of my hair started to come out, so I asked my nephew to shave it all off.  I remember sitting on the floor sobbing as I held my long blonde hair in my hands, but after a few days I realised that being ALIVE was the most important thing.  What I am saying is that it is absolutely normal to feel all of these emotions.........numbness.......shock.........anger.........sorrow.  It is really nice that you are feeling at peace with yourself, and may you have a long and healthy life, Violet, x