And....in the hospital car park I thought I heard air from the tyre.  The car said it was fine and thought no more of it. Peter just rang to say he's stuck with a puncture.  If that consultant knew my life he might prescribe medicinal cannabis.....for Peter:laugh:

Hi 2me,

Many thanks for your update. It sounds as if it all went pretty well today. I am delighted to hear that you maaged to persuade the oncologist to include the brain scan along with your other scans next Monday - that makes much more sense. It is good to hear that you got on reasonably well with the oncologist, even if he is a fitness fanatic. I would expect that the 'no to medicinal cannabis' is probably on the grounds of cost more than anything else.

You must have been disappointed not to get any results back from your bone scan yet. I'm glad to hear that you will get them on Tuesday and that you don't have another long wait. You can always ask the nurse whether or not your other scans are back when you speak to her. Most of the complications that I've heard about chemo tend to be more to do with clots than bleeds.

Refusing chemo with triple negative is what I would call a last ditch attempt, when chemo causes so many problems that one decides to choose quality of life, over quantity of life. I hope that you feel a little happier about having it now that you've discussed this? I agree that it's hard to accept this, when you are currently feeling well. Unfortunately, the thing in your back could well increase in size and start to give cause for concern, which is why they want to control it now. It's worth trying chemo to see if it works for you. You can always decide to stop, if it's causing more problems than it's worth.

Our care teams wouldn't be offering it to us, if they didn

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi Jolamine,

Not having a good day today.  We don't all get good days all the time :)  On top of that just got call from CT department confirming I've no covid symptoms ahead of Monday's scans. 

I checked with him that they received the order for brain as well and they've not.  I've chased up the nurse by text and said I'd confirm with the CT guy later today that brain is going to be done.

Having some control issues in my relationship which have always been very frustrating and stressful when I've done nothing to warrant them.  I made it clear that in my state any lies were just not tolerable....I don't lie.  It was a big lie and he's still doing it....the worst on the brain.

I won't go into it but it means that I can only see people when I'm with him and right now I could be walking a mountain with two dogs chatting to a friend to help sort this out.  Later I could be playing music in a pub with friends, but as it is I'm sat here typing this.  I'd stopped seeing people along time ago because the payback was terrible.  I love being with him.....just not that aspect of his character.  Anyway story of my life only, never had any other sort of relationship. This is the best....think you can imagine the others!

I've only told my Dad.  He's got all told but he's a long way away.  Even had a mass said for me yesterday.  At the same time as 21 kids lit candles in a school having been told by my beloved who I'd asked to keep it quiet.  I was happy enough for him to tell his best friend or two, but he has all the clients told and everytime I come into the room he's getting his fill of "poor me" from people I don't even know.  I don't even know what my life is anymore....whatever people are told about me?  Yuck.

So, today I don't want chemo. I get that's my treatment. Not sure I'm making an excuse of the clotting now there's still no brain scan booked.  I don't think I want the life I might get after all of this.  The thought of sensory problems in my hands, as a musician is terrifying, although I've lived my life to the full and taken way more risks than most :)  I've even considered seeing my GP about pain relief  and no treatment.  It all sounds so dark and tomorrow I might see the world totally differently, but I'm not in bits or anything, my insides are quiet :)

Thought I'd make an appt with my GP for Monday morning to talk through my thoughts on no treatment and pain relief. My beloved can't take me and I've just found out he'll be returning from a 300km round trip to take me for the scans that evening.  He's always late and I'll have 2hrs drive to the hospital worrying I've missed the appt.  That's all weekend worrying.  Where as if he'd let me drive none of this would be a stress. 

He's using the supposed words of people he has told to bolster his position and make sure I'm wrong to think I should have any life but my life with him.  Sounds good but when your being put out of his car, or the house because he's gas lighting, is no fun.  As well as no friends, no money at that moment.  All done for best effect. At least I now have a phone and a few quid in the bank.

I was always so independent....drove lorries, driven abroad, was know to be a safe bet driving to festivals and ....now...  all because me being able to do it stresses him.

He can't even see that in my position in order to do the best for him I need be allowed do the best for me.

Ok I'm waffling, NB must get brain scan :)

Hello 2me

I'm so sorry to read that, on top of dealing with your recent diagnosis, your relationship dynamics have left you in a very difficult position. 

What you've described in your posts can be defined as coercive control. Obviously, this is an incredibly difficult time for you but if at any point you feel that you want to reach out for support with your relationship, then there are services available that can help you. 

I'd really encourage you to talk this issue through with your GP as well at your appointment on Monday. Regardless of what path you choose to take with treatment, the health care professionals involved will be better able to support you if they have a full picture of what's going on for you. 

Keep in touch 2me. I'm sure the community will do their best to offer any support that they can. 

Best wishes, 
Jenn
Cancer Chat moderator 

Thanks Jenn,

I know it's coercive control; think I could write a book on the subject.  Still seeing you tell me still jolts.  I suppose I see it as his illness and I've done my best, but now, his behaviour just seems way too cruel for me to comprehend.  I wouldn't have done any of the things that have happened to anyone and certainly not to someone in my shoes. I'm finding it hard to find an excuse for him.

I'm lucky, I'm going to take me head away from this by playing some music.  With sunny glasses on I can make our relationship heavenly.  I just wish he'd help me help us.

Hi 2me,

I thought that you sounded almost too calm these past few days. I am so sorry to hear of your current situation. Has this always been the case and, how long have the two of you been together? Are you sure that he’s become more controlling, or is it just the way that you feel at the moment? Most of us feel that our lives are taken out of our hands at this stage and, that we are losing control – I certainly did and, I made life a nightmare for my poor hubby. This was totally unintentional. I knew that I was doing it, but I still couldn’t control it. It was as if I was blaming him for my loss of control, when he was being very supportive. I put this down to fear of the unknown and, the fact that I am a very self-sufficient person, used to running my own life. It sounds as if you are too?  Fortunately, as I gradually began to claw back control, I became more liveable with again.

It sounds as if you have been most unfortunate in your previous relationships, but this doesn’t mean that you have to put up with this current behaviour. Have you tried to explain to your partner how you feel?  It sounds as if the two of you need to have a long talk with no holds barred. Chatting to a friend would be a great help in sorting out your feelings. This is such a difficult situation and, I really feel for you.

I am glad to hear that you have made an appointment with your GP to discuss your thoughts. I see that our moderator Jenn, has already advised you to discuss your relationship at the same time and I would strongly advise this too. Having bad days is all part of the rollercoaster that is our cancer journey. It is not at all unusual to feel up one minute and down the next, so don’t let this worry you. Just hold on tight until a brighter day comes back again. It doesn’t sound as if you have really made a decision about chemo yet, but this is all healthy. You are looking into all of the possibilities and, this is just what you need to do.

Did you manage to chase up your brain scan today? I do hope so. I shall be thinking of you on Monday and hope that all goes well – you could certainly do without the additional stress of wondering whether or not your partner will arrive home in time to make your appointment.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hiya, I'm hoping you still feel well. I had an op 3 years ago come February for Lung cancer. I'm now 69 years old. The operation went well, no problems, fantastic team of specialists. I had been advised to have Chemotherapy, post op. I began my treatment at the beginning of April and it finished mid June. It was a Nurse run unit and it was BLOODY FANTASTIC!!  Excuse the language, but it really was a brilliant team of Nurses. Made you feel 'important', very caring, most efficient and welcomed my daughters (2 of them) to be with me. It was easy in the beginning, but I had read up on the treatment, as time went on the after effects were tough. Mainly because I had a cocktail of Chemo drugs, I had a full day 8-6 one week, 8-2 following week, then a fabulous week off. I was pretty much coping until the last 2 weeks. BUT, the drugs that your body absorbs are pretty much Toxic, so you're going to feel "quite crap" at some point. No pain, no gain. It's true! I finished my course of treatment, rang the bell (which made me cry, silly girl lol) and followed up with lots of CT scans and Oncologist appointments. As I said, it's 3 years come 13th Feb, I'm CLEAR, I have my 6th Grandchild who is 5 months old, I wouldn't have seen her without the treatment AND the Chemo. SO, bite that damn bullet, put on a brave face whilst you're there (doesn't hurt anyway) put up with feeling "crap" short term, then ENJOY the life the treatment has given you. I'm sending really big hugs and lots of love.

Back again, I hadn't read all of your posts, just the considering not having Chemo. I would say GO FOR IT GIRL!! I was married to a coercive, selfish individual for over 30 years. We divorced and I've lived alone for around 16 years. Not easy at first but FAR better than having a controller beside you.  YOU are important, YOU have a life. YOU also have a very selfish partner who thinks more of himself than anyone. I'm not saying these things to upset you or to be cruel. I really have been there and felt the immense pain. I pushed aside his first 'affair' and would NOT believe it. But the second one, that he admitted because his face had been damaged by her husband, I came to my senses and realised my self respect and the respect of my daughters was really important. Do you have sisters, brothers, Aunts etc., ? They will help and support you. It really is time to think of yourself - I hope that you will x