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Why was I so nasty

Sillystupid
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My wife was diagnosed with breast cancer Dec 24th 2017 at the young age of 43

we got home and both cried and I told her not to worry about anything and we will get through this . The treatment was successful chemotherapy and radiotherapy. My wife lost her hair which was long and beautiful. 
we went out when she had draining bags and for a stupid split second I looked at another woman and my wife caught me . I know this is as selfish and disgusting and I did apologise to her 

things then went from bad to worse. We would argue and these arguments were horrible . 
my wife wasn't very well and we had argued so I slept on the sofa . I was woken by a phone call from my wife who had walked to the hospital in the pouring rain instead of waking me . 
I took the car and she wouldn't get in the . This cause a massive argument . And that's when our world came to end.  We sat and talked and I said to her that this ain't love . I don't love you . 
don't know why I said this but it broke my wife's heart and I will regret this till the end of my days 

we have tried to move on but she has told me that she can't forgive me for this 

we still together but when my wife gets sad or angry I go straight into defensive non caring mode 

I hate the person that I have become . Before cancer everything as perfect . I'm just an angry non caring person now. 
my wife is a stinger better person than I will ever be 

sorry 

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    Please don't beat yourself up over this, dealing with cancer is so hard as the partner you had ceases to exist and all the cancer talk, not looking good, arguing, being mean is so normal, I know as I've been living like this for four years with my husband.  The only difference is that we're older and wiser but things said can never be taken back so you both have to work through the hurt to get to a place that you can be happy again.  My husband can be so selfish and mean to me that there are days when I dislike him so much I could leave but I know I won't, it's just my defence mechanism, so like you I get cold, back off and he gets the message and tries harder.  You have to be honest with each other, talk it through or ask McMillan if you can have some help.with this as living like this for years will make you both unhappy.  Cancer is hard for those coping with it and for partners who end up with a double load of seeing their loved ones in pain, coping with all the extra work or worries that are placed on our shoulders, we are not saints and being pushed away will not help either of you.  Start talking and get ahead of this pain and anxiety that you've caused by saying you don't love her, if she loves you she should forgive, she'll never forget but she should try and understand how it has been for you as well.  Good luck, Carol 

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    Silly stupid

    Hi just read your post and just wanted to say Cancer is hard to deal with ,it not onky changes your wife it changes everyone around her. 

    Cancer becomes your Cancer to,it can easily eat away at you both if you let it.

    Your wife is  probably feeling down and  not feeling her best, and her confidence in the way she looks probably has been affected to.

    So of course when she caught you looking at another woman ,it hurt her much more than it normaly would  because she doesn't feel good about herself.

    On the other hand you are only human, and most men would do the same,look at an attractive female,but your feeling angry with yourself for doing so.

    I think the arguments are quite normal,although hard to deal with whilst your wife is going through what she is going through, and for you to,its not easy.

    I think you said you don't love your wife  anymore as  you are just finding it all so hard to deal with,  I am not you ,so only you can search deep within your soul and know if this is the case,I think you do still love your wife deep down.

    Cancer has stolen a lot from the both of you,don't let it do this, if you still love your wife you need to sit down and talk.

    Talk to her about how scared you are and how tough this has been for you as well as her. 

    Tell her your sorry for the way you have been acting ,and that you both need to talk  about evertything, even if it's hard to do.

    I truly hope you and your wife csn sort this out together,and take each day in getting back your love  for each other and in time  your  relationship improves ..

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