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more reconstruction/ decision needed husband not discussing

poland19
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went to see the consultant for first annual check-up after mastectomy and implant last december, He said at the time that once he "got in" during the operation to remove cancer, and remove an ancient implant put in to correct a huge "pothole" dent in my right chest and ribcage due to a birth defect in my skeleton he wondered whether he should put in an implant upside down to fill the birth defect (Polands syndrome) and then put another right way up on top of it. Of course, he didn't do that then, but seeing me today he is convinced it would be worth doing to improve the outcome' for me. and as the special sheets to cover implants now come in bigger sizes he says it is his "what would you recommend if it was a relative "response.  In one op he thinks he could do that, and "tidy up" the other side which now looks more like snoopy than my very scarred but "new boob" implant side,  Trouble is, that new boob has a huge dent under my collarbone due to the original defect, and its horrible. Almost looks worse than when I had my first implant done at age 18 (the one he took out) had tried to return to work in February but work stopped it because at the last minute they went off about occupational health.  Then I had to shield due to another condition, then had a sequence of Oc Health reviews, and am now due another anytime soon during the work holidays.  I just wonder if its worth telling them that Im anticipating further revision surgery, and leave it at that., I still need to work remotely, Im struggling because since I went off theyve got a new  boss who is very IT wizzy, Im not, as my daughter said to me, were I applyingh for the job as it now is, I probably wouldnt meet the person spec because Ive never been trained in all the wizzy IT stuff that is now par for the course.  Dont mention bloody Microsoft snipping tools near me please or I will blow a fuse.  I have emailed boss at end of term to say I nlow realise theres been changes I am not equipped to meet, and have not had any update training in, and that I will tell that to the occ health person.  I enjoy the job, supporting people with disabilities, but as Im already diosabled myself, and wenyt through early illl heath retirement in my forties, is it honstly worth putting myself thorugh helll for just over minimum wage, Im just angry because  my sick pay at work has expired, I have savings from my retirement lump sum so dont qualify for benefits, and still have four years to go before my state pension, My husband just said "Im busy" when I asked if we could talk about it when I got back from my appointment, which involved a 60 mile round trip with a satnav falling off the window., I was then asked to go and get some paint for him, toured the city for an hour trying to find it, but was unsuccessful so thats wrong. And no, he is too busy to discuss it, Again, as bloody usual.  And now he's off to the shop. Good luck with that.  I rang my daughter who is straight-talking, tells it like it is, for her view. She said that if I'm offered the surgery within the next four to six weeks as proposed, go for it, and basically, sod it if work cant accommodate the situation, she works in IT and knows Im struggling with it, so why put myself through the mill.  Also, if I have to isolate myself again, it will give me time to get over it. The other option would be fat harvesting, put some of the fat into some bizarre form of treatment and storage, and then have injections of it as a self transplant in successive operations.  Which fills me with dread. SO maybe I just say yes, and go for it. Husbands work is seasonal and very quiet atm, but I'm struggling with the idea of going through it all again, this would be my fourteenth operation, and hes been around for 13 of them, and doesnt "do emotion".   Lockdown was hard enough doing the full 12 weeks plus extras advised by my specialists, but maybe it would be different not sitting on a waiting list for 18 months which has been my previous surgical pattern,  Part of me feels Im too old to bother with it, but part of me is just angry that having gone through so much bullying and delay before getting it "fixed" years ago, I still dont feel like me.  The other part of me feels it is annoying that people should "conform" to a specific shape to avoid feeling rejected or pitiful. Maybe its my age, maybe its my other disabilities, but when I sit in lectures banging on about idealized female forms and shapes, and disability I feel like shouting out, and that would be very unprofessional!

Any suggestions or opinions, please cos I think I've almost come to a decision, but I'm putting this out there in case anyone else has had similar options put to them and how they found it.

thanks and happy new year to all x

 

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    Hello Poland19,

                             Go for the option that elicits a smile before you consider any implications the choice may bring.The whole world is on its backside at the moment,so whats the point in overthinking anything,Good luck with whatever you choose to go with,

                                                                            David

  • Offline in reply to gruntifen

    thanks, I had only ever thought of minor tweaks to get rid of the dogear scar on my side, never that he would offer a major revision and matching up the other snoopy side,  husband however has other ideas, thinks it unnecessary to go for further surgery, doesnt seem to get that Im hoping for the shape Ive waited for for so long, doesnt want me to have to go through it all again, but has said we can talk about it again, full of reassurance that he sees nothing amiss with my broken shape.

    ho hum, perhaps would be easier if I wasnt part thinking its my ticket to having a reason to retire again, having been retired at 45 for ill health, and fought my way back into a job that gives some meaning to my life, Im struggling with a whole lot of issues about who I am and where Im going. perhaps that needs thinking through first, then again, the idea of gettting it sorted during lockdown and out of the way ready for a fresh start is pretty attractive.

    and last nkght I spotted that Ive sprouted a ganglion cyst on my wrist, perhaps due to my raging arthritis, think perhaps body is telling me I dont need an excuse to tell work that enough is enough.,

     

  • Offline in reply to poland19

    update, decided to use the small amount of energy I have to take a measure of control. EMailed boss to say recent work changes like being expected to suddenly know a whole lot of IT stuff as a digital version of what Ive been doing for six years on paper system was a source of stress, and that if when I speak to occ health I will mention it.  Later, emailed once more asking what is happening about the occ health thing. ALso mentioned that when I had my op, the woman in the next bed by me behind a curtain had a massive fit, then died, then staff tried heroically to save her and bring her back. but it didnt work, some staff were in tears, meanwhile, Im my side of the curtain, on meds 3 hours post op, just been unwrapped from the heat plastic blanket thing theyd wrapped me in to aid recovery.  Then the poor womans relatives arrived, livid, understandably upset, but behaving very inappropriately by beating on the doors and windows of the ward, swearing and shouting, so security were called to get them out.  It was terrifiying, I couldnt move, was hooked up to drips and drains, with tubes all over.  Bad enought then the next day, woman in bed opposite was regaling with tales about her epilepsy, and how her partner doesnt understand that grand mal fits are serious. he has no idea that he ought to call an ambulance for her.  Fair enough, then in the afternoon, she suddenly started fitting, there were no staff in the room. and she nearly fell off the bed so another patient went to block her side to stop that happening, whilst I hit the panic alarm to call staff. Hadnt really realised until very recently when I heard a medical documentary on something and realised the sounds of that and terms like crash and resusc are a bit of a trigger, been having bad nightmares for the last year, and thats where Id be going into again if I have the follow up revision to my reconstruction. So I emailed the boss again, and spelled it out for her, that if the staff counsellling service is still available, Id like it please. and theyve said yes.  ANd the Breast nurse heard me out of the subject, and so did the surgeon, neither of whom had been alerted to the fact all that had happened during mu brief stay, nobody mentioned counselling. Ive been in some hairy situations, but never actually had someone die a meter away from me. very loudly, ov er a long period of time, with a large noisy audience. So in a horrible way, thinking it through, has made me realise I need to deal with what I have swept under the carpet since it happened. If anyone else undergoes an unexpected traumatic incident during their treatment or hospital stay, please do mention it, cos it sounds like there may be support available to those unexpectedly caught up in extreme and upsetting situations.

    And Ive spoken to Surgeons secretary and the breast nurse, and epxlained Id like more info before I commit either way, so they say there will be a letter coming out to me confirming our discussion on 31st, and I will be offered a face to face treatment planning meeting to finalise what the options are, looks like an uplift on the unoperated original breast, and a reworking of the reconstructed mastectomy, to put in a "double-decker" implant to ensure that it fills the deep pit in my chest where my ribs dip inwards not outwards, and to fill the gap under my collarbone where the bones are wrong and theres no muscle. cant say I had ever imagined this, but for the first time in years Im beginning to feel like I have got a way forward, after years and years of putting up and shutting up just to be invisible to other people. Just hoping that the current chaos isnt going to derail those having their first round of surgery, as it feels in a way like Im being greedy, but surgeon and nurse both made it clear that they want to finish the job properly.

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