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Intimacy Issues

flossiiee98
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Good Morning

I am so sorry if this isn't allowed here, I have read the guidlines and I think it is OK to post. I hope it doesn't come across wrong. :confused: but I have nobody to talk to about this problem and it is eating me up inside!

I am 21, my partner is 23. We have been together for 5 years.

Last year, he was suddenly diagnosed with aggressive high grade lymphoma. It was a massive shock and our lives were turned upside down completely. He was rushed off to hospital really quickly and had 6 months of intensive chemo and radiotherapy. It was all a bit of a blur but living at home on my own without him broke my heart every single day and I can't even begin to describe the pain of the whole situation.

Luckily he is back home and recovering now - waiting to hopefully get his remission soon! So we are feeling very blessed and thankful for that.

He has been back home since around October time now and at first we were just in sheer bliss of being back together, I think we just cuddled on the sofa for days on end! Now we have started to get back to normality and he is back to himself, but I just can't have sex anymore and I feel so terrible.

He has his sex drive back completely and always wants it which is really positive for him, but I cannot bring myswlf to give him what he needs. I am fine without it I could go days without even thinkin about it but I feel so guilty for not being able to satisfy him. The thought of having sex makes me feel sick and anxious, and the urge is not there anymore. Everytime we try to intiate intimacy I just start thinking of everything we have been through and it makes me so sad and I just can't do it! 

Its almost as if the roles in our relationship changed and I feel more like a best friend/caregiver than a lover. 

I also lost my dad and my grandad to cancer at a young age and the whole situation has stirred up some really uncomfrotable emotions and I just feel traumatised!!

Is this normal? Am I a bad person? Can we ever make things work? Am I selfish?

Any advice would be amazing, thank you.

Love and best wishes xx

  • Hello Flossiiee98

    I'm sorry to hear about your partner's illness and what you have both been through. It's great to hear that he's back home and recovering well. 

    Cancer can have a huge impact on those around the person who is diagnosed. You mention that you feel as if your role within the relationship changed and that's not uncommon. 

    Have you spoken to your partner about how you're feeling? About the changes within your relationship, what you've both been through with his illness and about the feelings that it has brought to the surface for you. 

    How you're feeling doesn't make you a bad person or selfish at all but you will need to talk to your partner about how you're feeling so that you can try to find a way forwards - be that together or separately. 
    Given the current situation with Covid-19, living in close quarters 24/7 is possibly putting extra strain on your relationship but once things settle you may want to explore relationship counselling and/or speak to your GP to see what counselling support may be available for you. 

    If you'd like to talk things through with one of our nurses then please do give them a call on 0808 800 4040 (Mon-Fri 9am to 5pm). 

    Best wishes, 
    Jenn
    Cancer Chat moderator

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    Hi,

    cancer really does put a spanner in the works when it comes to sex and intimacy it's happening to me right now. Neither myself nor hubby have cancer but mum does and it's all I can think of at this time, just how ill mum is right now and when hubby pesters me for sex I just shudder and it turns my stomach and usually I'm on the same wavelength as he is.., my mind just isn't there at all. I end up feeling really bad but somethings changed and I am the kind of person that can't handle change at all. I really really struggle with it.

    i lost my grandad to a very nasty lung cancer back in 2007 and my dad died in 2012 of cancer even my Nan died of myeloid leukaemia in 2000. Cancer has really invaded my family a lot but it's the first time I've had to be the frontline carer mum doesn't have a partner sadly and it's up to me to care. I am really struggling. I know how you must feel. It's hard. Take care of yourself and your partner in these uncertain times. Sorry I can't offer much advice but I just wanted you to know that I understand what you're going through.

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