Good Morning
I am so sorry if this isn't allowed here, I have read the guidlines and I think it is OK to post. I hope it doesn't come across wrong. :confused: but I have nobody to talk to about this problem and it is eating me up inside!
I am 21, my partner is 23. We have been together for 5 years.
Last year, he was suddenly diagnosed with aggressive high grade lymphoma. It was a massive shock and our lives were turned upside down completely. He was rushed off to hospital really quickly and had 6 months of intensive chemo and radiotherapy. It was all a bit of a blur but living at home on my own without him broke my heart every single day and I can't even begin to describe the pain of the whole situation.
Luckily he is back home and recovering now - waiting to hopefully get his remission soon! So we are feeling very blessed and thankful for that.
He has been back home since around October time now and at first we were just in sheer bliss of being back together, I think we just cuddled on the sofa for days on end! Now we have started to get back to normality and he is back to himself, but I just can't have sex anymore and I feel so terrible.
He has his sex drive back completely and always wants it which is really positive for him, but I cannot bring myswlf to give him what he needs. I am fine without it I could go days without even thinkin about it but I feel so guilty for not being able to satisfy him. The thought of having sex makes me feel sick and anxious, and the urge is not there anymore. Everytime we try to intiate intimacy I just start thinking of everything we have been through and it makes me so sad and I just can't do it!
Its almost as if the roles in our relationship changed and I feel more like a best friend/caregiver than a lover.
I also lost my dad and my grandad to cancer at a young age and the whole situation has stirred up some really uncomfrotable emotions and I just feel traumatised!!
Is this normal? Am I a bad person? Can we ever make things work? Am I selfish?
Any advice would be amazing, thank you.
Love and best wishes xx