Hello Kizzyb

i too had an osophagectomy last year and finished my last round of chemo in December. I saw my consultant last week who explained I required no more treatment and as the surgery removed the tumour and affected lymph nodes , they now consider that there is no physical sign of the cancer and will not have to see him for another three months. On the flip side he also e plained the high reoccurrence rate of Osophageal Cancer. I fully understand your fear, I feel it. It's natural, we have been looked after and watched over since diagnosis, in my case a full year. Whether we chose to acknowledge it or not, we surrendered ourselves to other people and they became our comfort. I feel as if that gone, despite constant reassurances that the team are on the end of the phone.

personally the only symptom I had before diagnosis was food sticking a few times. I felt extremely well, in fact family and friends had been commenting on how good I looked just days prior! If I didn't know I had cancer then,how will I know if it comes back?

To be told it is very likely to come back, is devasting, scary and mind numbing. I had a moment of panic when I got home. But you know what - It suddenly hit me, it was me who underwent all those endless tests, the horrible effects of chemo, 11 hours of surgery and the ongoing recovery. 

Going thru all of that and all the daily rubbish life flings at us means that we are strong and determined, in fact I think we are pretty awesome !!,. I have decided that I am not sitting around waiting for it to show up again. I am getting on with my life. I am not doing anything to make big gestures of defiance just getting back to normal but hopefully a better normal. I have taken advantage my GP offers of free 12 weeks recovery training with a personal trainer, my husband has booked long weekends away for us to go walking with our new puppy for the next few months. I am starting a phased return to work. Best of all I have treated myself to new cleansers, moisturisers, etc in a range I previously would not spend the money for. 

Kizzyb we fought hard and long for this life, it's our job to enjoy it. Yes, some days I am scared rigid, and just want to hide and cry, so I have a cry, feel sorry for myself for a little while. I then give myself a mental shake and keep moving forward.

Keep fighting, I am sure we will both come through this. I am willing to chat whenever you need to. X

Hi Kizzyb

I think we can all relate to your feelings no matter what cancer we have had.

I remember feeling everytime I had an ache or pain " is it the cancer returning" .  Its also like your safety blanket has been taken away when you stop all those visits to the hospital.

I still get pangs of anxiety but give myself a good talking to.  Do I want this cancer to rule my life - NO, do I want to live a life of worry - NO, has it changed my life - YES so turn that into a posative and live your life. This is me talking to me.

I am naturally a posative person and try to look for the good side all the time - not always possible I know.

We dont come with a sell by or best before date so we just have to make the most of what we have. As they say plan for tomorrow but live for today.

River