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Survivors guilt

Mellie
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had my bowel cancer removed 5 weeks ago today. Found out they removed it all , no stoma required and best of all no chemo or any type of treatment required.   After being told I Would defo be having chemo due to my age (45) I'll be needing a stoma, it's gone into my lymphs and that obviously turned my whole world upside down to then being told I don't need anything at all was another shock, a good shock. Don't get me wrong I'm extremely grateful to the staff in Cardiff for looking after me so well but why oh why do I feel so guilty? I'm dealing with anxiety since the op, can't bear to look at my 10" scar down my belly, so tired, extreme night sweats, unable to drive or do anything which from a very active person is driving me bonkers, I've not dealt with the fact I HAD cancer yet and haven't cried much at all even from diagnosis, I don't feel feminine, just feeling very sorry for myself at the moment. I know it sounds really stupid and that I should be really happy I don't need treatment but why do I feel guilty about it? I feel ashamed to say that especially when there are so many people having treatment right now. Any advice would be gratefully received. Xx

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    Hi Mellie

    Great news on your cancer and there is nothing to feel guilty about. You could still be in shock after your initial diagnosis.

    Don't forget you are still recovering from major surgery and your body is still recovering and adjusting.

    I know what you mean about the scar but it does fade in time my surgery was 2 years ago and my scar is very faint l don't see it now and when I do I look on it as a small price to pay for being alive.

    Think positive look forward and remember that you are good news for the survival rates.

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    Hi Mellie,

    I think you're having an entirely human psychological reaction to a very traumatic episode in your life.

    There are parallels with soldiers who have spent too long in a war zone. Their brains become re-wired to be hyper-alert looking for signs of danger - a basic necessity for survival. The problem comes when they return home to their families or when they leave the Army. Many of them are unable to re-wire their brains and suffer from hyper-anxiety, along with insomnia, PTSD and depression.

    Let's face it, you could so easily have died and, just as your mind was adjusting to that new reality, you were told that your operation went better than expected and all the cancer was removed. 

    Great news, but your mind will take some time to adjust to the new reality and is probably now still in survival mode and unable to believe the good news. Similar to the soldier who has returned home but still subconsciously checks his environment for IEDs and snipers. 

    Give your mind some time to read-adjust, you'll probably always worry a little about the cancer coming back, but in time you will start to recover mentally and emotionally, as well as physically.

     

    Good luck

    Dave

     

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    Hi I'm in a very similar position to you. I had a tumour removed from my bowel at a similar time and am now cancer free. It is a fantastic position to be in, and I am enormously grateful. I'm the same age as you, and am so pleased to think that I now have plenty of time left to enjoy my life. Yet the last few months have been such a roller coaster of emotions and events, and I feel that only now am I beginning to be able to deal with them. I too, have hardly cried, but I feel a lot more tears are yet to come. I was so lucky with the fantastic support I got from my medical team, friends and family but of course most feel like I'm all better now so they have understandably gone back to their own lives. I'm trying to juggle returning to my old life with still recovering from surgery and the joys of a stoma bag. Every day is hard. You and I are lucky. So lucky. But not as lucky as people who haven't undergone this kind of trauma. This is clichéd, I know, but I honestly believe you have to be kind to yourself and treat each day as it comes. There will be good days and bad days, but you've made it, so hopefully in the end there will be many more of the former than the latter. All the best.
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    Hi Mellie, I hope you are recovering well from your surgery. You've had a lot to take in and deal with very quickly; so don't be surprised if your emotions are all over the place for a few months. Don't be guilty for feeling sad and needing a cry every now and then because that's all part of the healing process. As for your scar, it will fade a bit in time however it's a part of you now - and you will get used to seeing it eventually. I have a large and very obvious scar on my hip where I had cancerous bone removed and I too felt self-conscious and not at all feminine. When I first started swimming again or going to the beach it was hard because I knew people were staring, but I knew if it wasn't for that scar I wouldn't be here at all. I'm kind of proud of it now, in a funny sort of way. People will look, but you will always be fabulous! Look after yourself as if you were your own best friend; a little socialising and pampering will make you feel tonnes better and will help you to achieve a better outlook on life - you have had some brilliant news, after all. Wishing you a speedy recovery! MidgetGem93 x

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