Hi dave,  I know what you mean and can emphasise. Last year ibhad penile cancer and it's was node positive,  I had my penis amputated and lymph nodes removed,then chemo radio etc. It rips you to the core and strips you bare, all self confidence goes and I too found I could not talk to people and became nervous on the phone and now I do avoid social occasions and struggle going out at times, some days worse than others, on days I too don't go too work when this was the one target I had when being treated.invite me out to the pub or anywhere intact aand I get cold sweats and just can't go...I don't know the answer but I want you to know you are not alone in these feelings.I have talking to my team about ptsd and they say it can happen after a experience like this so perhaps worth exploring aswell .  I hope you find some help on this forum. 

Hi Dave

Your problems are just as serious as anyone elses we are all equals in the cancer ward. Youve had lots of bad things happen to you recently and you are understanably depressed. Phone that GP of yours again, ask to make an appointment and refuse to answer questions from the receptionist you are not obliged to tell them anything. Depression is treatable and not just with tablets although initially they may help. Kim

Dave,

I agree with Kim, GP receptionists only ask questions to try to work out whether you need an urgent appointment or a routine one. You are not obliged to answer them, I've often just said "it is urgent and confidential" but that isn't easy to do when you are depressed. Ring them on one of your better days and politely say that you don't want to discuss your problem with anyone except the doctor. 

However brave a face we show the outside world, I wouldn't be surprised if the majority of people on here who have cancer suffer from clinical depression or PTSD (the symptoms are similar) at some time or another. It often seems to be a taboo subject - fuelled by public expectation and media coverage which always seems to say that we're all "bravely fighting this terrible disease". Survivor guilt is a well known symptom, but being scared that "it" will come back or worsen is only natural and affects most,if not all, of us.

Good luck!
Dave

Thank you for your replies folks can I wish you all the very best on your roads to recovery. Today started off I think the lowest I've ever felt but feeling a little better now. I'll try and ring the GP again next week but even the thought of going near the place makes me feel sick in the stomach at the moment. I didn't realise just how many other people are affected this way, the team who dealt with me on the physical side were absolutely fantastic but I wish they had prepared me for this or even warned me what may happen, I've been going out of my mind thinking it was just me being silly. There was a nurse there when I was given the diagnosis who asked if I had any questions / concerns but my mind went numb after being told and they seemed to assume everything was ok and I just left.

Thank you again and best wishes :)

Hi,

Sorry to hear you're feeling like this, I wish you all the best in getting things back on track. I feel unable to talk to close friends / family about this beacuse although they're very supportive, they have enough to deal with (families / kids etc) I really don't want to burden them with my problems. I went to see the GP last week about another matter and intended to tell him about this but just couldn't find a way to get the words out. I'm booked in for a follow up appt. in a week's time so hopefully then I can find a way to talk about it. I just feel so alone sometimes. I was due a 3 monthly check up nearly 2 months ago (keep phoning but keep being told how busy he is and that there are people before me in the queue etc) I'm going to try and mention it then, there is usually a nurse / counsellor with him.

hi dave, I am in exactly the same boat as u, and every time i say to sumone, i shudnt be depressed, they are shocked and say, u cant go thru something like that and not feel depressed. I find it hard to just get out of bed, but have found recently, if i make myself do things, i do start to feel better, altho its a bloody mission. i hav made up a group, evvery wednesday evening, i hav a few girls round, we hav a laugh, sum nibbles and talk about things we hav been thru. the next couple of days, i feel quite good. I have also started meditaing from the internet, which i find helpful. i know its hard, but you have to leave the past behind and start looking for new adventures, try anything till it works. i hope this has helped abit, a few months ago, i didnt think i could go on

Hi,

Thank you for your reply. I haven't actually told anyone face to face yet how I feel although it must be quite obvious the way I've been acting and talking lately, I don't know if they just haven't noticed or have noticed but just don't know what to say, I must admit, I wouldn't have a clue what to sayto anyone in my situation.

I'm finding it harder and harder to get going in the morning, feel wide awake when it's time for bed and tired when I wake up but I'm determined to carry on as I just know that the day I don't get up for work will be the first of many. Like you, I find that if I force myself to do things it makes me feel better too albeit for a short time. I find if there's something to aim for, I can keep on going but after that event I need something else. That may be part of the problem, there's nothing on the cards now for the next couple of months.

That's a brilliant idea of yours organising your group and I'm pleased it's helping you and the others. I think one of my problems is there's no one else in the same situation to talk to, I have plenty of friends but I really don't want to bother them, most of them have enough problems of their own without adding mine to them. I was due a 3 monthly check up 2 months ago and am hoping to see at the hospital if there's anything on offer or advertised there if I ever get my appointment. I desperately want to move on but at the moment, have no idea how or where to even start. I have started up a few old hobbies again which even though my mind isn't on them at the moment, it passes the time and helps me feel better in the short term.

Your reply has helped me a lot to see things better, thank you for taking the time to reply. Best wishes :)

Dave,

It is highly likely that no-one has noticed how you feel, as we British are so good at hiding our true feelings and emotions. The novelist John Le Carre described this so well in The Secret Pilgrim "He can have a Force 12 nervous breakdown while he stands next to you in the bus queue and you may be his best friend but you'll never be the wiser."

My GP recently told me that insomnia can be a symptom of depression. The resulting sleep deprivation can lead to a host of other physical and mental problems - my short term memory is terrible when I'm tired. 

If you find it hard saying the words to your GP, why not make an appointment and hand him or her a short letter describing how you feel? This may sound unusual but it might be a way to break the cycle and ask for the help that you need.

Best wishes

Dave