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Why don't I feel happy

Zo-zo
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Diagnosed with melanoma spread to liver therefore stage 4 and incurable July24.  My immunotherapy coming to an end and through my treatment my tumourcdid not shrink but I was still glad it wasn't getting bigger. I was so happy to be alive and apart from extreme fatigue which meant I could no longer work I was coping well. 2 weeks ago I had the shock of my life I was sent for. PET scan and although my tumourcstill there it isn't cancer it is now like a water blister/ cyst.  So for now I have been told no cancer showing and I have complete response to treatment. The first week I was numb and couldn't believe it. Now I feel so strange as if the cancer was my new identity and thats been taken away from me. Who am I now? I am still a shell of the person I once was do lots of people feel like this. Im so confused and feel so ungrateful.  Also it was a comfort thinking g I would pass before my husband and now im worrying about him going before me cos I couldn't cope with that.  My treatment has left me with addisins disease aswell which doesnt help as stress is amplified with this condition and exhaustion follows...

  • Hi zo-zo

    Cancer does mess with your head causing irrational thought and heightened emotions. The immunotherapy also causes the above. Its an aspect little talked about with even fewer answers if you ask about it to clinicians. Im sorry to hear that the immunotherapy has caused you to have Addison"s Disease it is something I worry about getting from my treatment with cemiplimab. Are you getting hormone repacement therapy? If these hormones are out of balance it can cause depression fatigue etc. Mention it to your care team. 

    Ed

  • Offline in reply to Farmer_Ed

    Yes I have to take steroids as my body does not make cortisol or adrelanin naturally anymore.

    I hope your treatment working for you. Thanks for your reply. 

  • Hello Zo-zo

    I'm going to start by saying how good it is to hear that you've had such a fantastic response to treatment and that the specialists have told you that you have no evidence of cancer. I can only imagine how much of a shock it was to be given that news. 

    I'm also going to say that the feelings you've described are not unusual. You had been given a diagnosis that I suspect was devastating and overwhelming at times. You've been through treatment, had to accept that there were some costs to this (Addison's and fatigue) and had thought about what the future might look like for you. Honestly, it's not surprising that you've been left questioning "Who am I and what's next". 

    I'm going to tag in a member who in 2013 was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and given a short life expectancy. Dave decided to take a chance by having treatment even though the odds of success were low. In his own words, "something very strange happened", and in 2019, Dave was finally told by his specialists that he was "probably cancer-free". Well, here we are now in 2026, and Dave is still beating those odds. I'm sure that he will pop along soon to share some of his experience and tips for how to adjust to this new normal when you've had such an overwhelming response to treatment. 

    I know that many of our members who have struggled with a rollercoaster of thoughts and emotions have found it helpful to talk things through with someone. It may be that there is an organisation such as Maggie's​ in your local area where you can call in for a cuppa and chat. Alternatively, you can call our team of nurses. I know they will be happy to listen and offer any advice and support they can. If you'd like to talk with them, they're available Monday to Friday, 9am to 5pm on 0808 800 4040. 

    As Farmer_Ed has already said, it's a good idea to talk with your team about how you're feeling as well. It may be that there are additional tests they want to run to check all is as they would like it to be, but they will also know what support services are available in your local area as well. 

    Keep posting here in the Cancer Chat community if it helps to have a safe space to put things down in writing. We're here for you Zo-zo. 

    Best wishes, 
    Jenn
    Cancer Chat moderator 

  • Offline in reply to Moderator Jenn

    That message was so helpful thank you and reassuring that im not going mad. 

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