Cancer Research UK main site

Talking about wills and what happens afterwards

Davidmindspennies
Offline

My mum has stage 4 cancer. It’s hard thinking about the end of her life but it’s also not been the best for us as a family for a while. I cannot seem to fit in and I am always getting shouted at by my sister. As her son I have tried to be there and support where I can. I drive her to the appointments and help out. When I talk about the will it’s a difficult subject. I feel let down by my mum. Her partner will be a life long tennant and my sister and I will get half the property. But my sister has no plans of ever selling or buying the remainder from me. It feels like my mum is not actually giving me anything other than more arguments when she’s is gone. I asked to be there at the solicitors and my sister did not tell me when they went. But I am the one doing the day to day routine stuff. I am so upset. I do not get on with her partner very well. I live further away and my life will mean I will be not close to my sister once my mum passes. I want people to know why I don’t want a half share that I can never really claim and wanted my mum to say if we cannot decide, that she wants us to sell the house. I fear after my mum dies we will have courts and solicitor s involved. I want to ask people who have had problems with their siblings after a parent has died to exchange their thoughts recommendations. I feel that I have a valid point in that of my mum wants us to have halve each it should be that way. Has anyone had problems not being able to sell a property, and conflicts with there siblings. I don’t want to bring it up but also it’s a thought going round my head. I wish I didn’t think about but being on furlough doesn’t help.

  • Offline

    My mum and dad were tenants in common, owning their home jointly. She had a massive stroke and lost capacity.  Dad and I shared an enduring power of attorney for her, so the solicitor got involved to register it with the Court of Protection when she "lost capacity" to make decisions for her, especially paying for her nursing home bills.   She had made a will leaving everything to Dad other than a lump sum to me,  Dad was terrified what would happen were he to die before her, he feared that she or I would be billed for her care home charges, south of England prices so through the roof.  Dad's solicitor advised him to "sever" the joint tenancy so he could "pass" his share to me and or my children who are now adults. if he died first. Solicitor created something I think was called a Will Trust, which meant the house could be managed by me if he died, and the rental put towards mum's expenses.  It would then have passed to me. Mum died a few months later. He later sold the house and rewrote his will after she died, splitting his finances three ways between the children and me, as he had a large sum from selling the house. He was advised to do that rather than giving it all to me and risking the kids getting hit for death duties as I'm in bad health but with savings and a paid-off home of my own, It's important to get good legal advice because otherwise, a house with a sitting tenant can be almost impossible to sell.  If your "shares" of the property are unwanted I have a feeling you can refuse to accept them as a legacy, but again, get proper advice. I don't know what the legal position is about declining to accept what she leaves you.  It's a small point, but in the past when faced with legal issues, I have made use of free legal advice offered via my trades union membership. I also had an offer of legal advice via my membership of the local co-op where I buy my groceries, co-op offers members legal advice! who'd have thought it!  Good luck, legal charges really rocket if people end up getting into arguments, and it's hurtful all round for those involved, you are wise to think about trying to get it resolved now, and I can understand you feeling upset you were not included in the trip to the solicitors.  Hope you can all keep it sensible and calm, and deal with the important bit of being there for mum in her remaining time, without anger and upset.best wishes.

  • Offline in reply to poland19

    Thank you very much for your answer. 2020 was a tough year for everyone. Having too much time to think can make the simple things that much more difficult. Hopefully it will work out the best way it can. My mum is still fighting through this and we all hope she has many years to come. Thank you for sharing your story. I hope you find the time for fond memories of your mum and what she has left for you. I think of the good times, but we have had bad times too. I wish life wasn’t this complex. I am always thinking 10 steps ahead, that’s just me. But I hope to take the time to think about what is good right now. Your advice gives me more confidence and has made me feel more at ease. All the best to you and your family for 2021. 

  • Offline in reply to Davidmindspennies

    thanks, and I hope your family is able to enjoy mum's remaining time, and leave off any disputing and debates.  There is never any sense of what my Dad called an "end game", there is no certainty about the when and what, so over-thinking as you call it is a definite no no.  When Mum was ill I got into a downward spiral, exhausted with the two hundred mile round trips to see her and look after Dad who was home alone and struggling. I never knew how she would be, she had attacked a carer in the home and me, and dad. It was horrible to see her like that, and the Consultant had been very dismissive and off with me, then social services made it worse by trying to demand that I should pay for her nursing home place from my ill-health early retirement lump sum. I also started having what I now realize was "anticipatory grief" in view of thinking how awful it would be to also lose my Dad after Mum had died. I couldn't sleep or settle and got very anxious. I found a mindfulness CD helpful when trying to get to sleep although the voices on it were irritatingly twee.  I was very lucky indeed that a friend suggested contacting the counselors at our local hospice, and he was excellent.  He only saw me twice as I was about to have major surgery that would put me in a wheelchair for three months, but he helped me realize that a lot of my distress was the grief of the messy end that Mum had when dying coupled with feeling there was nothing I could do to prevent Dad declining too.  The one good thing I would say is that in his final weeks, Dad regained clarity after having had delirium, and we had a straight chat, no holds barred, telling each other how much we loved each other, and for the first time ever in my life, he told me he appreciated what I had done for them both, and said "I am satisfied", which is a weird way of putting it, but it meant the world to me.  We never get a chance to make our peace with those we have lost. so dont leave it unsaid if there is anything important you want to share with your Mum, and be ready to listen if she has things she needs to share. Both my adult kids saw both their grandparents in their final months and said what they wanted to say, and held hands, and supported each other, all wishing strength and the very best to you.

Speak to a nurse

Quick links

Follow us

Registered with Fundraising Regulator (logo)
Cancer Research UK is a registered charity in England and Wales (1089464), Scotland (SC041666), the Isle of Man (1103) and Jersey (247). A company limited by guarantee. Registered company in England and Wales (4325234) and the Isle of Man (5713F). Registered address: 2 Redman Place, London, E20 1JQ.