Hi

I has a PICC line during my six month chemo and it was the best thing I ever did.  No pain with insertion, duration and has multi use, so not only used for chemo going in intravenously but also used to take all my blood samples ... so no extra needles in me.  It did not interfere in any of my daily life, I had a specially made cover to wear as well so not in anybody's face.  And matched my clothing . No scar left at all.  Biggest plus no reaction to my skin from any chemo spillage.

Its always the unknown that scares us, but I can assure you this line was a god send in my opinion. All that said not sure where yours would be placed ... mine was on the top underside of my arm 

Hope all goes well, try not to stress ... I know easier said than done

JBee

Was there a reason yours was where it was? They said mine had to be on my chest. I could possibly handle it better if it was under my arm. Where do you get the covers? You're right it is the unknown that scares us. I have 5 months of chemo ahead and I think this line just signifies what is to come (plus I'm really funny about needles) so I do get that it's a good thing but I dont want this thing on my chest for the next 6 months of my life day in day out. I just threw a massive wobbly at my husband and said I'm not getting chemo at all. So there's definitely more to it but I really appreciate your message. It is genuinely good to know that you found it good. 

Mine is breast cancer. Maybe that's why. I'm going to at least ask, thank you. I can handle all the sickness and aches and pains it might throw at me but the hair loss is the big one, no surprises there, it's the one most people can't handle. Being bald and having this visible line are the outward signs of sickness and I don't want to look vulnerable. Throwing a cold cap at it and hoping for the best, got a wig and a million hats on standby anyway. Knowing that you found this line more comfortable has helped me more than you know - just hearing one good reaction to it is enough. It just seems like such a long, long time to have it. I'm only at the beginning of my journey (surgery was a doddle) so it's a really overwhelming prospect, I'm a mum of three very little children and I'm frightened of how they'll handle seeing me go through this more than how I will feel about it myself.

Thank you, you've really truly helped. 

I totally understand you and agree about the hair situation.  My bowel cancer was nearly 5 yrs ago, I'm back again for breast cancer, lucky for me it's been caught really early, through my yearly regular scans so three weeks ago had lumpectomy and lymph node removal, three of them all clear.  So only radiotherapy and tamoxifen been suggested.  So I do understand what you saying, all of them would be my fear too xx

keepyour kids your focus you doing this for them, your family and of course you, stay brave for them, they going to love you unconditionally no matter what.  Humans are amazing we stronger than we think.  I gotbowel cancer 45yrs old, now breast cancer 50yrs old and I'm still here to tell the tale.  Weirdly the surgeries were a walk in the park, I still wear bikinis lol

Im glad I've helped you even if a little, anytime you fancy ranting come back.  We will keep each other's spirits up ️

By the way wigs and hats .... you can really get some beautiful stuff these days, so IF you need it, you'll look like the bomb  but hopefully the cold cap does its job.  I don't know much about that.  By the way since we coming into winter it will be perfectly normal wearing these accessories.... every cloud has a silver lining hun, try wherever possible to look for a positive out of a negative and like I said keep remembering you doing this for your beautiful family x. Children are more resilient than we think and when young they don't judge either 

Hi

i wanted to see how you getting on?  I hope you ok 

JBee xx

Thank you so much for checking in, particularly as I've just seen this in the middle of yet another freak out over everything. 

I've gone from petulantly stamping my feet saying I wont have the port, insisting ill only have it in my arm, then I'm not going to have chemo at all because what's the point, to digesting the idea of having it in my arm being no better and sobbing to my husband that I'll just have to have the port after all. I don't want it, the idea is completely creeping me out, but there is no option to have it under my arm and if it was in my elbow then that would be worse in reality for me. I just feel like with everything else in this, I'm being pushed into a corner and between a rock and a hard place. I'm terrified of having the port put in but I'm doing it, and it will happen on Monday next week. I'm really upset about it. 

Been buying loads of stuff to get me through the next 5 months of chemo, everything from snake oil eyebrow serum to hundreds of pounds of eye make up, cross stitch kits, colouring books, and then researching and crying over the scalp cooling cap and everything I can do to keep my hair even though its not likely I will. 

I despise every second of this and I'm not in a good place so is really nice of you to think of me x

Oh huh I'm so sorry theres no alternative to put the line in your upper arm. You have every right to feel the way you do and I wish there was more I could say to help you feel relaxed and a somewhat calm acceptance but sadly I can only support you and let you know I'm thinking of you.  

You will have to just pull up those big girls pants put on a brave face and do it for your family hun. I know it's such a whirlwind right now and it upsets you, but you will get through it all.  I promise

I'm at the hospital now waiting for my oncologist appointment... hate hospitals and have no idea what's to come but it is what it is and I'm going with the flow for now.  

Will update you later.

I love the idea of retail therapy you sound like me Haha... have the stuff I've bought I've never even used BUT it's like a security blanket and I will never stop buying as long as it makes me feel a little better. Hope hubby got a big gold card for you haha

Try enjoy your day ok

JBee xx

Good luck at your appointment. This is the cruellest thing. I never thought I'd be someone posting on these boards going through something like this. My experience of hospitals was mostly to have babies, now it's a whole new world. 

I'm hibernating in bed today, it's definitely a bad one so I have my anxiety meds on hand and going to hide under the duvet. 

Hope you have a good day too xx

You so right it's very cruel and unfair.  Do what you feel you need to do hun nobody is allowed to judge you, you put yourself where you need to get through the day.  Just know even strangers, like me, care about you, we will all do this together.  Never feel alone ok?

Thanks for the good luck wishes, I have questions galore Haha I'm not going to make it easy but I do want clear justification on what they want to give me as treatment. Albeit that I follow Drs orders normally anyway lol

Speak soon xx

Hi lovely just wanted to check in with you to see how you are doing xx

I start my radiotherapy 5th December so Friday I'm getting the tattoo markers done

Hey, really hope radiotherapy goes well, how long does that go on for? Good luck with it!

I had Port inserted yesterday, in my arm in the end, the doctor could see how upset I was over it being in my chest and agreed to put it in arm. Really sore today but definitely the right call. 

Chemo on the other hand is currently hanging in the balance. I had a pre chemo assessment thing scheduled for after the port insertion yesterday but I had a bit of a meltdown and my first session which was due to be tomorrow has now been cancelled and instead I'm seeing oncologist again on Thursday. Theres nothing new or different she'd be able to tell me, my choice is a stark yay or nay to getting chemo but my mental health has taken a total nosedive and my anxiety over getting chemo has spiralled out of control so I'm not in a great place. A relief to know that im not getting chemo tomorrow but I feel like I'm delaying the inevitable, whether that be eventually having chemo or cancer returning. Really struggling over it all and no idea what to do. 

Hey, really hope radiotherapy goes well, how long does that go on for? Good luck with it!

I had Port inserted yesterday, in my arm in the end, the doctor could see how upset I was over it being in my chest and agreed to put it in arm. Really sore today but definitely the right call. 

Chemo on the other hand is currently hanging in the balance. I had a pre chemo assessment thing scheduled for after the port insertion yesterday but I had a bit of a meltdown and my first session which was due to be tomorrow has now been cancelled and instead I'm seeing oncologist again on Thursday. Theres nothing new or different she'd be able to tell me, my choice is a stark yay or nay to getting chemo but my mental health has taken a total nosedive and my anxiety over getting chemo has spiralled out of control so I'm not in a great place. A relief to know that im not getting chemo tomorrow but I feel like I'm delaying the inevitable, whether that be eventually having chemo or cancer returning. Really struggling over it all and no idea what to do. 

Hey hun oh no I'm so sorry to hear, I wish I could say the right thing or help you, but always here to listen.  So sorry you struggling with this, although I don't blame you it's really horrible and so scary, we have no control

Yay about the positioning of the PICC line!!! I am happy about that and glad they could see you were too stressed having it on chest.  
 

Sadly my lovely you may need to bite the bullet and get the chemo out the way, got to get rid of it sooner rather than later.  I know all chemo is different and we know it's not nice but you can do this, build up your courage .... hard I know.

Oh my radiotherapy lasts until 6th January taking into account all the holidays etc 

Please keep me updated and try stay strong xxx

Thank you. If I could get past the fear of losing my hair I think I could deal with the rest. Losing my hair is the biggest worry and very very likely to happen (scalp cooling v unlikely to work for me) and if that side effect was taken away I could handle everything else chemo would throw at me. It's just losing my hair and the many many other layers of side effects stacked on top of each other that puts a mental block on the whole thing and I can't do it, start crying and say no. So I have to just come to terms with losing my hair. It seems like a small price to pay but it really isn't to me. It's the difference between me keeping active and socialising during treatment, and isolating myself from everyone and everything including my own children. Which I'm already doing. I have a wig, it looks fine, but it's a bloody wig, and ultimately I will feel like a defective person when my hair goes and my self esteem is already rocky. With hair gone, I'm gone. I know it sounds sooooo stupid putting it like that but I know how my brain works and how low it can go. There are other problems (eating related) that are also an issue when it comes to chemo, and having to tackle a very long term problem with eating enough to survive the chemo is a big deal too.

Sorry for the outpouring. I know I have to do this but I'm absolutely terrified of it and what I'm going to have to face. I've always despised people using words like "brave" and "fighter" when it comes to cancer but in this case I think they're probably warranted. 

Please don't apologise for the way you feeling, we all handle our fears differently and I think you are normal to feel like this.  Have you tried talking to the McMillan nurses face to face, they great they may be able to help.  Even though ultimately it's up to you to deal with your fears they might be able to reassure you on some things.  The hair is a very big fear I totally understand .... and I hear you when you say it's a bloody wig.  
I wish you were not going through this, but more than anything I wish you were done with all treatment so you can regain your life and get back to normal, in saying that you do know that day will come quickly as soon as your treatment starts.... before you know it you'll be sailing through. 
I know brave and fighter are not always the words we want to here... the one I hate most and everyone says it to me is inspirational . No I'm not I'm just doing what I need to do to kick cancers butt!! 
 

Hi [@bakervw]‍ 

how are you getting on, think of you often and really hope things are ok with you.  I spent Friday and Saturday at the hospital for various things, CT scan, tattoo markers and bone density scan.  Felt like I've had no weekend at all.  Weather is depressing on top of it.  Other than that I'm just keeping busy with work, but really wanted to check in on you.

love JBee

What a horrible way to spend your weekend, hope it wasn't too bad an experience. You're right, the weather is horrid. Do you find work any kind of distraction? I haven't worked since I had my eldest 4 years ago and I don't know how I'd cope having to work on top of all this anxiety and so many appointments, I probably sound so entitled I know. I'm probably lucky not to have to focus on anything else (my husband even has kids handled) I feel like all I do is wallow.

I had to go to A&E on Wednesday and was in resus for 4 hours then overnight in EAU as my heart started going weird. They didn't figure out what was wrong, only that something was a bit weird. After it happened again on Thursday after I got discharged I pinned it down as being a reaction to an anti anxiety medication I was taking. Obviously I've stopped taking that now but oncology now won't start chemo til I'm okayed by cardiology, plus since I stopped the medication my anxiety has been off the scale over the weekend and today. I now don't know what is going on, what to expect, what it means for me or anything. I keep going from feeling relieved I don't have to get chemo yet to utter frustration that I'm stuck in no man's land for however long. I'm seeing my surgeon on Wednesday about another lump I'm really worried about even though its probably nothing and I just feel like I'm stuck and will die of cancer. 

Oh wow, glad you got through that horrible ordeal and recognised what was causing it.  You really are having a difficult time and I can see why you feel you stuck in no mans land.  Hopefully when you see the surgeon they can come up with some options that can work for you.  So sorry to hear all of this, it's not fair but you do need to get this issue sorted hunnie, the quicker you can the better your options on surgery extra will be.  I really feel for you, not easy at all.  Did they think it might have been panic attacks?  I don't know much about them but if you stressing all sorts can happen to you I guess.

Yes work is a great distraction, wasn't too bad at the hospital just over a weekend it kind of takes away being able to do much.  I'm fine though.  
Lol good thing you got hubby trained haha you my kind of woman!! Good job

Try stay calm my friend and I'll check in with you when you've seen the Surgeon for an update.  I'm sending happy calming vibes your way xx

I'd assumed it was anxiety related but they said it wasn't. The reason I went in was because it was so soon after the picc line got put in, it was nothing to do with that in the end. Really high blood pressure too which may be stress I suppose, it's normally very low. I'm sure it's the meds but it doesn't really matter what I think really. I've already had the necessary surgery, that's what is making all this so ridiculous, I dont actually even have cancer any more, they just want to throw everything at me because it's her2 and I'm young, I keep feeling like chemo is a total waste of time and not worth the pain especially because I don't have cancer, maybe cancerous cells but it's just so so so much for what could end up being nothing at all. Absolutely rubbish. 

Sorry I probably jumped the gun where I read you wrote another lump.  Yes the chemo they really want you to take IS because you young, they want to give you every chance of it never coming back again.  It's hard not easy to just say sure here's my body do whatever you like!!  If you have chemo what are they saying the uplift in survival percent is?  I am not happy they want to give me tamoxifen for ten years especially as the percent is only beneficial by 1 to 2  percent 

The lump is likely nothing, if it was something sinister it would have been picked up by mammogram and ultrasound, however due to a long story my trust is low (the cancerous lump was overshadowed by an abscess a year earlier in the same exact spot, so in theory the cancer was missed for a year, it's a long story though) and my surgeon wants to go through that plus check this lump as well.

Chemo on 15 year prognosis is about 11%, that really seems tiny to me. Everyone says it's not but I mean really, 11% for 5 gruelling months, probably losing all my hair, any long term effects as well...for 11%? Yeah they want me on tamoxifen too, I'm only weak ER+ so that's another treatment I'm grumpy about having to have. 1-2% would have me refusing tbh, that is low, I suppose you could look at it like my people keep telling me, what if you were that one or two people in the hundred, I don't know, at some point you just have to wonder whether the side effects are worth that amount of rubbish we would put ourselves through. I'm not going to be any less anxious if I DON'T get chemo but I just see myself getting secondary cancer despite chemo, and it all just being worthless. Sorry to be such a grump today. Blame the weather! 

I hear you and agree, it really is that one little sentence that messes with my head if I don't do it could that 1 or 2 percent have made the difference.  I've put a hold on the tamoxifen because I'm just not convinced and on top I had the hysterectomy nearly 5 yrs ago so ???? 
 

Never apologise for how you feeling, it's not easy to stay positive with so much going on.  It's really good you talk, at least you not bottling it all in, so keep on ranting it doesn't solve anything but it sure can help one feel better, well a little.  This time of year always depresses me, I'm not a Christmas enthusiast either lol 

I am 50 so older than you, but I also feel I'm too young for all this x. So I totally get where you coming from on that too