You so right it's very cruel and unfair.  Do what you feel you need to do hun nobody is allowed to judge you, you put yourself where you need to get through the day.  Just know even strangers, like me, care about you, we will all do this together.  Never feel alone ok?

Thanks for the good luck wishes, I have questions galore Haha I'm not going to make it easy but I do want clear justification on what they want to give me as treatment. Albeit that I follow Drs orders normally anyway lol

Speak soon xx

Hey, really hope radiotherapy goes well, how long does that go on for? Good luck with it!

I had Port inserted yesterday, in my arm in the end, the doctor could see how upset I was over it being in my chest and agreed to put it in arm. Really sore today but definitely the right call. 

Chemo on the other hand is currently hanging in the balance. I had a pre chemo assessment thing scheduled for after the port insertion yesterday but I had a bit of a meltdown and my first session which was due to be tomorrow has now been cancelled and instead I'm seeing oncologist again on Thursday. Theres nothing new or different she'd be able to tell me, my choice is a stark yay or nay to getting chemo but my mental health has taken a total nosedive and my anxiety over getting chemo has spiralled out of control so I'm not in a great place. A relief to know that im not getting chemo tomorrow but I feel like I'm delaying the inevitable, whether that be eventually having chemo or cancer returning. Really struggling over it all and no idea what to do. 

Hey hun oh no I'm so sorry to hear, I wish I could say the right thing or help you, but always here to listen.  So sorry you struggling with this, although I don't blame you it's really horrible and so scary, we have no control

Yay about the positioning of the PICC line!!! I am happy about that and glad they could see you were too stressed having it on chest.  
 

Sadly my lovely you may need to bite the bullet and get the chemo out the way, got to get rid of it sooner rather than later.  I know all chemo is different and we know it's not nice but you can do this, build up your courage .... hard I know.

Oh my radiotherapy lasts until 6th January taking into account all the holidays etc 

Please keep me updated and try stay strong xxx

Thank you. If I could get past the fear of losing my hair I think I could deal with the rest. Losing my hair is the biggest worry and very very likely to happen (scalp cooling v unlikely to work for me) and if that side effect was taken away I could handle everything else chemo would throw at me. It's just losing my hair and the many many other layers of side effects stacked on top of each other that puts a mental block on the whole thing and I can't do it, start crying and say no. So I have to just come to terms with losing my hair. It seems like a small price to pay but it really isn't to me. It's the difference between me keeping active and socialising during treatment, and isolating myself from everyone and everything including my own children. Which I'm already doing. I have a wig, it looks fine, but it's a bloody wig, and ultimately I will feel like a defective person when my hair goes and my self esteem is already rocky. With hair gone, I'm gone. I know it sounds sooooo stupid putting it like that but I know how my brain works and how low it can go. There are other problems (eating related) that are also an issue when it comes to chemo, and having to tackle a very long term problem with eating enough to survive the chemo is a big deal too.

Sorry for the outpouring. I know I have to do this but I'm absolutely terrified of it and what I'm going to have to face. I've always despised people using words like "brave" and "fighter" when it comes to cancer but in this case I think they're probably warranted. 

Please don't apologise for the way you feeling, we all handle our fears differently and I think you are normal to feel like this.  Have you tried talking to the McMillan nurses face to face, they great they may be able to help.  Even though ultimately it's up to you to deal with your fears they might be able to reassure you on some things.  The hair is a very big fear I totally understand .... and I hear you when you say it's a bloody wig.  
I wish you were not going through this, but more than anything I wish you were done with all treatment so you can regain your life and get back to normal, in saying that you do know that day will come quickly as soon as your treatment starts.... before you know it you'll be sailing through. 
I know brave and fighter are not always the words we want to here... the one I hate most and everyone says it to me is inspirational . No I'm not I'm just doing what I need to do to kick cancers butt!! 
 

Hi [@bakervw]‍ 

how are you getting on, think of you often and really hope things are ok with you.  I spent Friday and Saturday at the hospital for various things, CT scan, tattoo markers and bone density scan.  Felt like I've had no weekend at all.  Weather is depressing on top of it.  Other than that I'm just keeping busy with work, but really wanted to check in on you.

love JBee

What a horrible way to spend your weekend, hope it wasn't too bad an experience. You're right, the weather is horrid. Do you find work any kind of distraction? I haven't worked since I had my eldest 4 years ago and I don't know how I'd cope having to work on top of all this anxiety and so many appointments, I probably sound so entitled I know. I'm probably lucky not to have to focus on anything else (my husband even has kids handled) I feel like all I do is wallow.

I had to go to A&E on Wednesday and was in resus for 4 hours then overnight in EAU as my heart started going weird. They didn't figure out what was wrong, only that something was a bit weird. After it happened again on Thursday after I got discharged I pinned it down as being a reaction to an anti anxiety medication I was taking. Obviously I've stopped taking that now but oncology now won't start chemo til I'm okayed by cardiology, plus since I stopped the medication my anxiety has been off the scale over the weekend and today. I now don't know what is going on, what to expect, what it means for me or anything. I keep going from feeling relieved I don't have to get chemo yet to utter frustration that I'm stuck in no man's land for however long. I'm seeing my surgeon on Wednesday about another lump I'm really worried about even though its probably nothing and I just feel like I'm stuck and will die of cancer. 

Oh wow, glad you got through that horrible ordeal and recognised what was causing it.  You really are having a difficult time and I can see why you feel you stuck in no mans land.  Hopefully when you see the surgeon they can come up with some options that can work for you.  So sorry to hear all of this, it's not fair but you do need to get this issue sorted hunnie, the quicker you can the better your options on surgery extra will be.  I really feel for you, not easy at all.  Did they think it might have been panic attacks?  I don't know much about them but if you stressing all sorts can happen to you I guess.

Yes work is a great distraction, wasn't too bad at the hospital just over a weekend it kind of takes away being able to do much.  I'm fine though.  
Lol good thing you got hubby trained haha you my kind of woman!! Good job

Try stay calm my friend and I'll check in with you when you've seen the Surgeon for an update.  I'm sending happy calming vibes your way xx

I'd assumed it was anxiety related but they said it wasn't. The reason I went in was because it was so soon after the picc line got put in, it was nothing to do with that in the end. Really high blood pressure too which may be stress I suppose, it's normally very low. I'm sure it's the meds but it doesn't really matter what I think really. I've already had the necessary surgery, that's what is making all this so ridiculous, I dont actually even have cancer any more, they just want to throw everything at me because it's her2 and I'm young, I keep feeling like chemo is a total waste of time and not worth the pain especially because I don't have cancer, maybe cancerous cells but it's just so so so much for what could end up being nothing at all. Absolutely rubbish.