Hello all 

Well I'm up at 4 a.m. as couldn't sleep, started to cry with my sadness at the situation between me and my husband of 25 years. I was diagnosed stage 4 in November 2019. Spread to various organs. Have been on immunotherapy treatment since then which is keeping things stable so far but my kind of cancer does not have a long prognosis. Living between 3 monthly scans. We are both late 50s and have 3 children youngest is 17.

Obviously I have been and still am devastated about the cancer itself and that I probably won't make it to 60, leaving my children way too soon etc. But I now have a second source of pain which is my husband's response. To start with at stage 4 I had lots of pain, was in shock and bedridden, constantly going to hospital, he was very helpful and 100% there for me. But since things have improved physically now I'm on treatment and I don't have pain, I'm fairly active again, look like I'm 'ok', we have very different ideas on how he can support me. My emotional needs are huge but he doesn't seem to get it. I do my best to get plenty of other support, I have a counsellor twice a week, I talk to other friends regularly (obviously with lockdown it's harder to access but I do my best) so I'm not only relying on him. But his view is that he will support me 'when it suits him'. He 'has to draw a line, other things are also important to him, he needs choice' etc.

He will help me by getting me drinks or doing practical things at times, or will do an activity with me if it's something he enjoys (hard to find these things). But he mainly spends his time on political campaigning, he has found a new obsession since my illness which he thinks is incredibly important. (He took early retirement a couple of years ago).

We have talked about it endlessly, I feel like I spent most of last year trying to get him to understand, begging for more support but to little avail. When I read on here last night the accounts from people's partners of their dedication to making the last part of their partners life as good as possible, I was in tears wishing so much that my husband would be feeling the same. He used to adore me so I thought, where has that gone now I really need him by my side? I feel more like I am single now.

I would love to hear from anyone who can relate to this - whether you are the person with cancer or the family member or partner - or suggest anything that could help. No questions about my actual cancer please it's the emotional issues that are my reason for being on here atm.

Thanks for reading if you got this far.

Tess.