Hi.

Sorry to anyone who thinks this post goes on forever but I could really use people's thoughts about my journey through cancer in relation to work. Please bare with and I will try to be as brief as I can, but there's a lot to it.

Back in 2017/2018 I was struggling to conceive. It took a huge toll on my mental health. Due to how I felt about my manager (that he can be quite dismissive with problems as hes so into positivity) I stated that the reasons for absences were standard stuff ie cold, stomach bug... when it was actually because I couldn't face work due to being so down. I was struggling with my menstrual cycle which was all over the place, incredibly painful and heavy. I found out that I had a large uterine polyp. I had this removed under anaesthetic and was told that if I had to have the day off after surgery, I'd be put on an absence improvement plan. This upset me due to the justice of it and made me shut down from my team and my manager so much so that I was later accused of not being a team player.

Moving forward to 2019, I found a lump. I tried to get doctors appointments but was faced with a manager who stated I wasn't following company policies for doctors appointments. I was also ignored when I tried to gain permission to go to a doctor's appointment as well as told that work didn't think they could find cover for me to go to other appointments to indeed confirm I had cancer.

I was desperate to keep things as normal as poss and decided to work as much as poss. My manager stated he 'wanted to go on this journey' with me. However, I was so out of my mind distressed that I kept constantly going to him for emotional support. I also at one point stated that I was suicidal. Not something you should tell your manager! My manager gave me his personal number and I kept texting him trying to understand my emotions and my manager for a time was really supportive. My manager let me come into work to do whatever I wanted but I had no purpose/sense of direction. This carried on for 11weeks before HR was involved as my manager thought that they could handle my situation.

When it came to reasonable adjustments I stated initially what I wanted. My manager suggested something else. In the end I went with their suggestion because I was too distressed to decide what I wanted. However, the day before my reasonable adjustment was supposed to start, I panicked and sent my manager a text basically saying I wanted to do what I originally stated. My manager instantly called me and stated I was playing emotional games, emotionally blackmailing, borderline harassing and that 'I WILL come in with a smile on my face' and do the reasonable adjustment my manager had put in place. My manager later called me into a meeting and organised what I wanted BUT I now feel terrified to talk to him and beyond hurt. I've even been accused by HR of having a fixation on my gay, married manager! It was at that point my mental health and wellbeing went downhill.

Before all this lockdown, I was due to complete my radiotherapy and then sit down with my manager for a return to (my actual) work plan and have an occupational health meeting. Due to the lockdown this hasn't happened. Now I'm furloughed and so is my manager, my manager won't talk to me about anything in relation to work and as a team we have weekly catch up Microsoft Teams calls where we are only to discuss any positive things we have been up to and head is utterly spinning. My workplace is also in a 45 day consultation about redundancies where my department is going to be hardest hit from the redundancies. My managers manager has told us all to regard them as their line manager now. I have NO relationship with this manager and they have told me that they haven't the capacity to manage a phased return to work with all thats happening at the moment.

I feel utterly devastated and neglected. I have also been told conflicting information by oncologists as to whether or not I can conceive and whether it's safe to in the future. This terrifies me. Ive been wanting to talk to my manager about this because it's making it hard to think of anything else and makes me not want to attend our teams weekly catch ups because it's hard to be fake happy! I know that if I don't attend them, my team and my manager will worry though. However, my manager won't answer any texts/calls for me to explain my situation which is NOTHING to do with work anyway.

I feel as though I'm damned if I'm not made redundant (coz I don't know how I'll cope at work now) and damned if I am. It's been such a struggle to be in work with my situation. Now im through the majority of my treatment, I feel like I've been spat out the other side struggling to cope and noone cares. I feel as though due to the torture going on in my own mind at the moment, I wished the cancer HAD taken my life and that I hadn't survived it. What's the point anyway when you facing redundancy from a job you do deep down love, think you can get over the difficulties with my manager and REALLY contribute to my team and workplace getting back on its feet after this virus, but also face a scary future with regards to whether or not I can have children and reoccurrence of the cancer as well as the being left to fend for myself with the mental and emotionally impact it's all had on me.

I've spoke to a psychologist and have looked into mindfulness but all the strategies and techniques in the world can only help so much. I don't even know why I'm posting this on here because there's no solution to this only pain. I give up.