Work, recovery & covid

Hi

I know this may sound to many absolutely ridiculous and I've heard it a thousand times that health should be my number 1 priority but I'm devastated !

For me, my journey with cancer has gone as good as it could have physically so I haven't had a problem with that. I'm now free of cancer but start radiotherapy this week coming and am on Herceptin and Pertuzamab until Nov. I've only used 10 out of the 16 weeks of sick pay from work so have therefore worked the majority of the way through my treatment because the people I work with have been who have got me through (as well as family of course.) No, for me it has been all about mental health.

Before all this covid, I was approx 6 weeks away from sitting down with my manager and working out how I get back to my job. (My manager has been wonderful and even created a role for me that has not really been needed but related to my normal role.) I am passionate about what I do and have gone through A LOT to get where I am. My biggest issue in getting back to my role is my anxiety and confidence over facing the public (I am a trainer) and overcoming the fact that I've put my manager through an emotional rollercoaster throughout my cancer journey or which I NEVER in a million years ment to do. 

Getting to the point, I saw getting back to my normal role at work as a MASSIVE part of my recovery. So much so that I saw it as being able to close the door on all the hell that I have been through since I was diagnosed in August last year. I am really really struggling mentally now with the fact that I can't get back to my role due to this covid. I now have to self isolate when I was so so close to getting back to normal. I'm gutted. Miserable. Missing the people who have helped me and supported me the most. As a trainer, there's not much I can do at home asides getting all my lesson plans perfect which I have been working on since my diagnosis! Of course my colleagues have had to stop working too so we are all in the same boat in that way, but the whole reason I went to work was to keep busy and my mind off of the cancer. They say that when you finally finish cancer treatment is when it can hit people the hardest. I was already starting to feel that way recently and before this covid. My colleagues will be offered alternative work which will be to support the NHS. I can't obviously do that. I'm so down.

  • Hello

    This absolutely sucks, I can imagine the utter frustration. 

    If you really can't work from home, then it looks as though you'll be a bit stuck, what with you having to isolate yourself due to being within the 'vulnerable' category. 

    I wonder if there is still a way you can make a contribution from home. For example, supporting your colleagues who are picking up the NHS work remotely (even if just assisting them with the administration/planning/evaluation side of things...not ideal, but you'll be doing something). I wonder if there's scope for you to come up with some new material for a new course? Does your company want to move into other ways of delivering training and can you get busy recording this from home? (we do our training like this at work...we get sent a DVD of a rather engaging trainer and all sit down together to watch it). What about some online training modules, I've used a few of these lately (logging on to an online portal and hearing a voice talking over slides/graphics...quite fun actually). 
     

    If none of that is possible (or if it is, you just don't want to do it because you want to get back into your role), it might just be a case of having to ride this one out unfortunately. Find things to do at home to occupy yourself. Doing things you enjoy. Keeping in touch with your work family (we are all at home now and we video call each other regularly which always lifts my mood). There are a fair few volunteering opportunities on the Do It volunteering site last time I looked, all of which could be done from home. Also, this site is great if you need to let off any steam. 

    I've been in isolation for a week and it's driving me crazy...I miss my commute and my office. I do understand feeling anxious to get back to work! 

  • Thank you for your reply. I feel so lonely. I'm tired of being the odd one out. The cancer girl. I want my life back. I can't stop crying. I've had such a journey with my mental health and I literally can't take anymore.

  • So sad. Really sorry you're going through this. I was just thinking today...wow when the new year turned, we just had absolutely no idea this was coming....

    It's a terribly tough time for everyone but *especially* people like you who have been on quite a journey and who are struggling (understandably) with their mental health. I completely understand the desire to get back to normal and that you're anxious for your identity to be something else other than "cancer girl", as you have described. 
    You will get there...there just might be a further delay. Which is awful but I think it's about doing what you can in the meantime to keep yourself busy. Crying and feeling tired are fine - go for it. When the news has sunken in for you, I expect you'll start to feel a lot stronger and resourceful xx 

  • I've got a Skype call on Monday with my work team (sorry work family I'm gonna call them!) I'm so scared my manager is going to say he's got nothing for me to do. I must sound crazy. It's just amazing the people who really come forward for you during the worst time in someone's life. I'm so lucky to have a workplace like I do. When I'm sat in my managers office working out how I get back to my role/how I get back to normal, I swear I'm going to be so happy I'll probably just break down! 

    Thank you so so much for your replies.

  • Not crazy at all. Work is a huge part of your identity (mine too). My work and workplace is a huge part of my life really. I'm excited to go to work...I totally get it. 

    Perhaps you can be prepared before speaking to your manager - get creative and think up some tasks you feel you could busy yourself with. Even if that isn't at full time hours, it is something to do and it'll mean you'll be integrated back into actual work again. 

    Hope the Skype meeting with the family goes well! I am sure it will be lovely to see them all. 

    Also, Coll - I noticed your mental health post. If you put the area you live in, into google and the word 'IAPT', that might assist. Hopefully this will bring up NHS mental health services you can directly refer yourself to in your area (so, without seeing your GP) xx 

  • wise advice, and Im sorry to hear that you are in the so close but yet so far group. Id tried going back and had it all set for just over a month ago, I do support work for disabled uni students, and felt I was good to go, Id even asked if Id need a return to work interview etc. got no reply, so set stuff up with person who books my support slots. then bang, Occ health woman said it was too early to go back, and come back in a month, which would have been friday, since when Covid has gone ballistic. Im on steroids due to a rare autoimmune thing, along with rheumatoid and various arthritis problems. My trip to the specialist picked up from the one cancelled in December when I was having surgery. the plan needed folllowing up, so I went in to an isolated unit, just me and staff, all sanitised to the point where the test machine didnt work cos nurse sterilised it and unplugged it, then thought I had low oxygen stats cos it wasnt plugged in, and accused me of having sepsis...Anyway. beem signed off now since late october when I freaked waiting for biopsy results, surgery december, and ow Covid looming, so self isolating. My problem now is we have a lodger,. she kept having her bf round, I explained I keep my distance not out of rudeness but because they pose a risk to me. and they wash hands on entry then I sterilise the doorhandle where they came in.  Trouble is she has taken herself off to his flat this week and plans on coming back next weekend, and Id rather than she doesnt if husband and self are isolating for my protection, Husband has a gardening business and knows which gardens he can get to and out home again without contacting anyone. Its all of them bar one. Our cleaner who has been great heloing me when Ive been too frail to do chores understands, and I will carry on paying her despite it being impractical for her to keep coming. But should I tell the lodger that she must either come home and stay home, or stay at her bfs and stay in? Shes a language teacher, and working from home on insttructions of her home government who sponosr and pay her to work in this country., as schools are shut,  She got pulled out of school by her government instructions and sent home and  told to work from home. and we all know what happened to schools.  We had a second teacher, on a PGCE training course, and she has gone home to the otehr end of the country, her visa expires later this summer and she is freaking out cos she came to this country from abroad, with her son who is doing first year A levels, some five years ago, and she does not wish to return to her home country. She has been unable to finish her teaching course and is worried sick about what she can do. I felt harsh telling her to take all her stuff back to her home address, but realised this situation is not going  to fix itself any time soon. 

    So tips and advice please, I probably know what Im going to say, but it feels harsh to say she will have to stay ati bfs, but Ive no idea what socialising and going out they have been doing, and its a big risk. cancer and steroids, and autoimmune probs,Feel  I just cant risk it.