Hello Anita. I'm so sad to hear how you're feeling right now. Yes it's hard, awful, and I doubt anyone could process it! I should imagine your reaction will be entirely normal. But I should think you will need some professional help with that processing. Please don't hesitate to ask for that help!

I remember when I got my Stage 4 diagnosis back in July 2011, I was terrified. Both lungs (and needed lung drain), liver...It was breast cancer that had spread, and moderately aggressive...and I never knew I had it!

Actually, it was impossible to remain "sane". My mind "whizzed" too. I felt like I had a dinosaur on my shoulder that kept leaping round and shouting into my face "You're going to die!!!" I lived in a perpetual state of panic.

There were many things that helped me. None of them were easy. And, after my husband left I used to actually sit and scream (and loudly too) because I felt utterly alone - I used to be regularly apologising to my poor distraught neighbours. This was something that nobody was going to help me with. I had to get a grip on myself but I didn't know how. The fear and panic took all of my waking energy.

But, gradually, over the years I have built a sort armoury of ways I can use to tackle things. It hasn't been easy; my husband left, and I found myself alone bar my kids who I was responsible for. And all of this whilst going through treatments.

People used to tell me I'd get over my husband leaving in time, and that made me angry. They didn't understand the sheer panic of the shortness of time that I was expecting to have. How could I come to terms with anything when my time was running out?!!!

As for practical suggestions. I list a few things here which helped me:

#Realising that this is not the end. A London professor told me that "It's not terminal till you're dead"

# Accepting and demanding all possible treatment.

#Asking the GP for some professional help with my mental state ( to start with I was given the help of a few sessions with a psychologist, then I went on many courses for all sorts of things including mindfulness, cbt for recurrent depression, self esteem, moving on after divorce...) all of these helped. I got to know the local councellors well too (but funding has cut these sadly and it depends on your area and your GP).

#Surrounding myself with friends

#Talking to others who have been through it

#Taking an active and deliberate part in my care, including staying in control of my diet and fitness.

#Eating a good nourishing diet which helps me to stay strongest I can for the treatments. This helped me to feel that I wasn't powerless.

Gosh, am defo waffling now...

#Oh, and exercise

I hope this helps a little?

Please feel free to message me. Cos it's good to talk.

All the best, and sending you great big hugs,

Mary

x