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Why did i do it ?

Puddle-Jumper
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I am so flipping angry with myself. I have been struggling to tell any of my family that i have Cancer and after speaking to McMillan last week, they helped me with a few suggestions on how to do it.

Well i tried today and all i have done is cause my sister so much heartache. I didn't even get to tell her about the Cancer so instead just told her i was going in for a lung op and added a load of balony about why i was having it and because of the op,  i wouldn't be able to visit her for a wee while and she absolutely went to pieces, she was visibly shaking and sobbing uncontrolably and i tried my best to reassure and console her and theni had to leave her like that, all alone and upset.

I wish now that i hadn't said anything and went  with my initial theory of doing it on my own because i knew this would happen. I haven't even cried for myself yet but to see someone else cry because of me is ripping me apart and now i feel that i can't do this to anyone else. My brother is an even bigger softie than my sister so how can i put this on anyone else ?

I ******* hate myself right now and feel like a total ***** :(

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    I wrote a great big reply and it vanished >:)

    Dear [@billy goat]‍ [@clara56]‍ [@Chriss]‍ [@Dor06]‍ and [@Shakingmad]‍  Thank you so much for your replies. You all have your own battles and worries to deal without "babying" me. 

    I was sat in Debenhams cafe today (after buying my new pj's) and came to the decison that i will NOT inflict this pain or hurt on anyone. I am merely going on a wee trip but it is a solo trip. No one caused this to happen to me except me, i did this to myself and i stand guilty as charged for that. It is my battle and i have never asked or expected anyone to fight my battles for me. I've got this far without being punched in the face and i think i can still hold my own.

    Clara, you spoke about your family being as hard as rocks, well that's me, i've been told i am as hard as nails so it's time to live up to that name. Oh aye, i can greet (Scottish for cry) at Coronation Street but i can't greet for real life events like what is happening to me.

    The worst part is, my sister still doesn't even know that it is Cancer i have so i can't even imagine how she would feel if she knew. I can be a very convincing liar when i have to and she seemed to believe my wee "story" that i spun her so i will not be telling anyone else.

    Please don't think i am sinking into a depression because i am not, i am merely lacing up my boots (or pink wellies) to walk that long road that looms before me, no road goes on forever and i know that i will get to the end of that road soon, yes, i will be absolutely jiggered but i will make it then i can take my boots off and have a nice long rest. I know it won't be easy walking that road by myself and i will get mighty lonely but hey, i've never been a people person anyway.

    THANK YOU ALL so much for lending me your ears and shoulders for a wee while and i will no doubt need your them again as i embark on this trip.

    Much love to you all. PJ

  • Offline in reply to Puddle-Jumper

    We are all here for you huni. You wont be alone. If you ever need to talk scream shout etc we are all here. Sensing you lots of love and strength for your journey. Stay strong and stay positive. One day at a time xxx

  • Offline in reply to Puddle-Jumper

    Hi pj, as shaky has said your not alone the forum is one big family we all help each other, for better or for worse, oops isn't that marriage, never mind it'll work just as good here, best wishes, from us all, 

    Billy

    P.s don't forget to keep in touch and don't forget to wash your feet when you take your wellies off, peuw, 

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