Interesting question unicornsmiles.

I definitely feel acceptance.  But I wouldn't say I don't feel, and I think in some ways life feels more real.

The lump I initially found wasn't actually the cancerous lump yet when I found it clearly my subconscious knew this was it.  I had found numerous lumps over the years and just gone through the procedure of getting them checked out, but with this one I immediately had a full blown panic attack (hadn't had one in I think 6 years or so) and that was despite the lump I found being miniscule.  I remember actually thinking "this is it, this is what's going to get me".  And I don't mean in an anxiety or pessimistic way, just in a matter of fact way.

That doesn't mean I'm not fighting it, I will do everything I can to fight it, but I realise that save for some kind of accident this is now most likely how I'm going to go.  But then I can honestly say that my gut has been telling me since my late teens that I am going to get breast cancer young, which is why over the last 5 years I have asked to be referred for early screening 3 times.  Shame they didn't actually do it because it would have been caught in time if they had!  This time, the fourth time, I was not leaving the GP's surgery without a referral to the breast clinic.  They referred me this time, shame it was too late.

It's hard though to tell people that you accept it because some people think that sounds negative or that you're not fighting it.  Yet I'm not sitting here getting upset about the fact that my cancer is incurable, and I am doing everything to treat it and keep the worst at bay, I simply know that my life is going to be shortened by this illness and whatever years I do have (and that could still be a good number of years) I want to live them not ruin them with being sad about the future.  I'm not ready to leave my husband by any stretch of the imagination, but then I never will be.  But what I fear more than leaving him is not making the most of the time I do have with him.

I think you can accept it without giving up, it's about quality over quantity I think.  And I say that because living your life better isn't giving up, after all what is life if you aren't living it?  Lots of people have no life-threatening illness yet they aren't really living.  I am definitely in acceptance, but I am living my life so I don't feel that's giving up.

Hope that makes sense.  Here if you want to talk.

LJx