Groundhog Day

My ex husband recently died of bladder cancer, having survived cancer previously four times. From his last diagnosis to his passing was six weeks. A very sad and traumatic time for everyone and a deep sadness that this vile disease has claimed another young life. My partner of 6 years was diagnosed with prostrate cancer four years ago and has been monitored until recently when a more in depth biopsy showed that he will now need to have his prostrate removed. As someone who cared for her husband for twelve years with cancer, knowing first hand all the traumas that came our way, I am feeling desperately low.  My partner knows my past and worries that he has brought more pain and upset to my life. I love him deeply and whilst needing to comfort and love him even more of late, I am feeling ‘the woe is me’ emotions. I have booked my first counselling session to cope mentally with my own emotions knowing that this will help both of us as I need to be strong.

My partner also hasn’t told anyone about his diagnosis, including his very close family. No one but me knows and this doesn’t help as I cannot talk to anyone about it. He feels that until there is some thing to tell people, then it’s best left between us. However, I lived like that with my ex and I struggled as I couldn’t talk to anyone I knew. So when I’m feeling upset about him, I am having to tell untruths as to why I am upset. This in itself is a battle.

  • Hello Glitterbomb and, well,  oh b....y hell.  You really had been given a difficult hand to play.  So pleased you are going for counselling.  Does your partner understand how much this secret is costing you emotionally?  You need to have a say in this too is you are going to be strong to help him.  I also hope his family don't feel you were wrong not to tell them earlier when it all comes into the open.  I think I would be upset if it was my son.  It is not the first time that a carer has suffered greatly because of trying to go along with everything the loved one thinks is best for them.  If you are to see him (and yourself) through this there does need to be some frank discussion.  I do feel for you and hope you will feel free to come here and rant away if it helps you.  But consider yourself as well as doing your best for your partner.  Annie

  • Hi Annieliz

    Thank you for your reply. We’ve had a majorily tough year both having had major surgery plus a member of his family having long lasting illness. Add this onto the past three months and I really don’t know how we have coped. He understands that by keeping all this to just us that I feel pressure to keep my feelings under wraps as no one knows. He doesn’t want to bother anyone whereas I feel our close family and friends should know.... to maybe help support us. No one knows what is really going on. His family will be devastated when they do find out. I would be if I were in their position but he feels it’s his business. 

    I have been here before in my previous marriage and it totally consumed me. Trying to cope with my emotions internally without being able to talk was dreadful especially as I’m so open. Hence the counselling will help and also guide me through the year of ‘hell’ that we have both been through. I feel so sorry for my partner and I do tell him that I’m also a big part of this too. We need to work as a team to get through this as I don’t want it to break us. I have the tee shirt on that one and it’s left me drained and mentally exhausted. 

    Thank you for your kind words x

  • I do hope that you come through this without too much angst.  It's awful how things just pile up on top of each other sometimes.  As well as your counselling please come and let off steam here whenever it is all too much as it is a lot to handle on your own.    I do wonder what your husband is waiting for before he tells his family - you seem to be carrying everything on your own.  Please do look after yourself when you are struggling to cope with all of this.  Annie

  • Thank you Annie. My ex husband survived penile cancer, being diagnosed at 36 years old plus three lots of lymph cancer, being cancer free for ten years before he developed aggressive bladder cancer and passed recently. My head is all over the place with his passing to be told five days later the news about my partners impending prostrate removal. I am so pleased my counselling sessions start tomorrow. I have so much to get off my chest.

    I appreciate your support. Bless you xx