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How to cope when life falls apart

Lotsoflovexox
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Being diagnosed with breast cancer has ruined my life. People keep telling me to be optimistic and fight it but I really don’t know how. The only thing I can think to make the situation better is to kill myself. I don’t feel like I will ever be me again. I was offered my dream job just days before I was diagnosed and now I can’t take it. I wanted to have children in the next few years but that’s going to be taken away from me as I will be mid-end 30s by the time I can have them after treatment. I’ve split up with my boyfriend as I love him too much to let him see me go through this and also because he doesn’t want to start having children in his 40s meaning we couldn’t ever have a child. I will never look like me, as vain as it may sound, I love the way I look. For the first time in my life I am happy with the way I look, i worked hard to get the figure I finally have, my hair is in the best condition and is the length I always wanted. Now I’m going to lose all that... I’ll never be me again.. I won’t have the children I always thought I would... I can’t take the job I worked so hard to get and I’ve lost the one person I’ve really loved. Cancer has taken everything from me and everytime I see family or friends they cry and I feel like I’ve been written off already.  I don’t know how to feel anymore or how I am meant to fight this when I don’t see a life for me after cancer. Has anyone else felt like this after diagnosis and gone on to fight cancer and have their life back? 

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    Hi

    I'm not going to do the I'm sorry to hear bit as I'm sure you've heard this over and over again. 

    I want to tell you about myself and the group of ladies on this forum all of whom either have just been diagnosed with breast cancer, are part way through treatment, recovering from treatments and many years past treatment end. We range in age (I'm 48) with others also younger and older than me. All of us different in the type stage and grade if cancer, but living, laughing, and never allowing this horrible disease to keep us or each other down. Each and every one of them have gotten me through the pre and post diagnosis stage (the early days). This is when everything is so so scary.

    I'm not going to tell you life won't change, it will. But it doesn't have to end or stop. You've reached out on here and so I'm going to share my thoughts.....

    Firstly....your boyfriend. It's not uncommon to push someone away thinking you are going to be a burden. But what did/does he want? It sounds like you still love him. I'm not telling you you should do any of this but have you tried telling him just how scared you are and how you feel.....and then listen. If he is the man you describe in your post he will understand this reaction and support you.

    Secondly....the new dream job. Why can't you take it? If you have formally been offered the job I'm pretty certain they cannot retract the offer solely due to you having cancer. My advice on this....speak to the citizens advice bureau quickly and check your rights. The Equality act 2010 makes it illegal for you to be discriminated against due to your cancer diagnosis. If you haven't told your new prospective employer yet...tell them. They may be more supportive than you think. This happened to another lady on here and her new employer had been amazing.

    Thirdly...children. not all cancer treatments cause infertility. This is something you would need to discuss with your oncologist so that this can be factored in. I was diagnose March and will be ending treatments in a months time...so depending on your treatments plan you could still potentially move forward with having children in the next couple of years.

    Fourthly....breast cancer is not the death sentence it was 30 years ago. I'm not saying treatments are easy but you can do it and it is beatable. You haven't said the type or stage the your cancer has been diagnosed at. Information is key and some types of breast cancer are less aggressive than others. Also the size of the tumour, whether it is invasive, non invasive, and whether it's still fully contained in the breast. 

    Hearing the words breast cancer puts us all in a spin. I was diagnosed with invasive breast cancer with some spread to the lymph nodes, ER + and grade 2. I've had 2 lumpectomys in the left breast, am taking tamoxifen and will be for 5 years, and start radiotherapy tomorrow. There are ladies here who have beaten more advanced and more aggressive breast cancer than me. If they can I can is the way I see it. 

    Take a deep breath hun....find out more info about your diagnosis as it may help you to feel more in control and more positive of your outlook. Cancer wants you yo roll over and give in....you are 30 with a lifetime ahead of you....dont give it this power. Hugs to you hun x

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    Hi there ... lotsoflove ... 

    Bless ya ... it's a shame you didn't join us earlier ... like you when I got the word cancer and mastectomy , I took myself away , curled up in ball and cried for the whole day not wanting to see or talk to anyone ..

    But I cried my self out ... I got up the next day and I watched a t.v programme on a child's cancer ward .. they had the biggest smiles while walking around with their chemo drip stand ... some no hair ... but none of them were crying or feeling sorry they had this crule cancer ... it changed my outlook ... they had not hardly started their life ... 

    So I got a vertual pair of boxing gloves put them on ... got into the ring ready to take it on .. you see cancer wants us to crumble and give up ... then cancer wins ... it has no compation ... docent discrimate on age or gender .. so mine was a grade 3 ... I thought it was the end ... I wrote my letters to loved ones .. even put my half of the house into my son's name ... even made funeral plans , songs etc ..

    Well that was 11 months ago ... I let my family share every step with me .. the mastectomy was less painfull then I ever could imagine .. and if I could go back to those first days , I'd have given my self these words .. don't look into the future ... no more "what ifs" and just take every problem and everything else one day at a time ... I was so pleased l came on here ... jolomine got me through ... just someone I'd never met but had a huge heart ... 

    There's lots of us Brest ladies on here .. well hold your hand every step of the way ... you can do this .. I'll send you my old boxing gloves ... cournish, me, sandra123, rilleyroo, jbains ... we've all been where you are now ... just reach out hunny ... wer all still standing and although we all have days were we want to give up we hold on ... come on ... cry, scream, yell at how unfare this cancer is ... then get in the ring ... wer all there right with you ... together well punch it's lights out ... big hug Chrissie

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    Just wanted to add ... my daughter in law had my Emily (pictured) at 40 and my grandson at 43 ... and they are amazing and my life ... so you have to wait awhile... all the best things are worth waiting for .. 

    It's not too late to talk to your boyfriend ... you think by pushing people away your saving them from being hurt ... your not ... it's even more heartbraking feeling pushed away ... my family were in bits .. but once I got those boxing gloves on, and they saw me ready to look cancer in the eye, they were so much stronger too .. so hold them close, tell all your loved ones, your really scared but would love them to be part of this journey  ...

    It's not a walk in the park, but you can kick cancers butt right down this road ... don't let it win .. you have people that love you ... imagine it wasn't you but someone you love got it ... l bet you'd be right there by their side ... I'm here if most mornings and evenings if you want to chat ... so is cournish ... so come on .. take our hands .... Chrissie

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    Hi

    Well cornishpastie nd Chrissie have said what needs to be said I won’t repeat it nd just say they are right... everything they have said is right.

    So let’s move forward with this... together. Sometimes sharing with strangers who have been through the same can go a long way.. would you like to share a bit more about your diagnosis and where you are in treatment? 

    Me I had 2 lumps right breast grade 1 and 2. Had lumpectomy and 3 wks radiotherapy. 13 wks 2 days from diagnosis to last day of treatment. I was very lucky in as much as I have had no fatigue ( although some do) my life has pretty much gone back to what it was. I’m now 7 mths post active treatment ( Though I am on letrozole as mine was oestrogen positive) . 

    In short.. you can do this. You can continue with your life. 

    I just want to say... if you are still having  thoughts of not living please please contact/tell someone and speak about how you are feeling. Do not carry these thoughts alone. Speak with anyone- family, friends, gp, Samaritans but speak with someone.

    Take care me dear ️X

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    Hello

    I'm so glad that you have found us here.....

    I'm sending a virtual squeeze from my hand to yours and just telling you that the people here are on your side. Cornish and Chriss have got it right. Read what they say and give yourself time to think about it.  There’s no rush. We’ll all be here to listen to what you have to say when you’re ready. We’ve all been where you are now, we just know what it’s like.  So if you need to offload, rant, scream or just talk there are always people here who will listen. 

    Sundial x

     

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    Hi,

    The shock of getting a cancer diagnosis knocks most of us for six, but over time your mind will slowly adjust to your new reality. My only advice is not to rush into any life changing (or ending) decisions until you've had chance to come to terms with your situation. Suicide may seem an easy way out but if you'd seen the devastation a suicide causes to friends and family you'd probably not even consider it as an option. 

    Why not make a list of all the things you want in life and then plan for new ways to achieve them? e.g. if you're worried that the treatment might make you infertile, talk to your doctor about egg harvesting before your treatment starts. Talk to your boyfriend, the fact that he said wanted children soon when you had a range of choices doesn't mean he wants the same thing now the range of choices has narrowed. Talk to people who have been down this path before you and you'll see that many of us came out of the other end OK, though we've probably all had periods of utter despondancy, especially when first diagnosed and before treatment has started.

    Chemo can be *** but in my view is far better than dying. Hair grows back and so will your self-confidence and your self-esteem. This sounds like a useless platitude but it really was my experience.

    Good luck and best wishes
    Dave

  • Offline in reply to davek

    Hi lots of love, all the words above is the best advise you can get from people been/going through same as you so know how you feel. Sending you a big hug xx 

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    Hello

    I know you wrote this a few months ago but I'm feeling like you were right now,  how are you getting on with treatment? Did you get help?

     

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