Dear friends, firstly a sad loss to us all and I also sat yesterday fearing the worst, it's a feeling we get to know well, so yes I also watched from noon until 9pm.  I've just been up to our village church and lit a candle and signed the condolence book, a service will be held Monday evening and I will attend that also.  I have just had a call from the hospital regarding my complaint, apparently it was sent to the CEO to sign off but he refused to do so as he felt indepth replies had not been given by those involved.  So another date 3rd October, which I have agreed to because it needs to be completed properly.  I had a disturbed night, my car insurance did not renew as it should so I went out in the pouring rain and moved everything again to fit my car in the garage.  Off to bed and my phone pinged at 5.40 am to say it had gone through, I was not amused and crawled back into bed, thirty minutes later I awoke to a glug, glug, glug noise, I lay there thinking where is that coming from, climbed out of bed again, followed the noise and it was the bathroom toilet, we had had so much rain it was backing up the drains and coming back up the toilet!  It's awful when you're on your own and don't know what to do, Norman had gone away yesterday with Debs again, Dave had gone with Ann after leaving me house keys, so I flushed the toilet and hoped for the best and lay worrying that it would flood through my bathroom floor into my newly decorated dining room below.  So as of now all is quiet.  Billy you never interfere and I had seen your posts so knew you were still alive and kicking.  Christine what an awful state your son is in, Lisa never said how bad hers was until later on so he is probably trying to protect you.  Rose, I hope you are a little brighter and keep improving.  Take care, Carol x 

Dear Carol  ,im definitely alive, not sure about kicking as i haven't got the energy just walking is hard enough. 

Two weeks of meds before i talk to oncologist to see what happens next.

Don't like to say to much on other blogs seems rude just the way i am. 

Hope things are running right now, including your insurance. 

Love Billy xxxx 

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Hello all,

First Carol – here's hoping the toilet is behaving itself.  I'm delighted to hear your complaint has gone all the way to the CEO. That's a mark of your professionalism in writing it, despite all the pain of having to "relive" those very difficult events, but also proves the hospital are taking things seriously. Let's hope you can get an appropriate response now early October. As for the insurance, I really can't explain the rational of that ridiculously timed text.

Christine – your son sounds remarkably stoical. It's harsh he had to pay for a private scan, though much better than walking around on broken bones. It always shocks me how long adults have to wait now to get bones fixed. Often that leaves them having to be broken again in order to be properly reset. The system's really creaking.

Billy – I hope Brenda's carers have started coming at the right times now and things no longer feel like chaos. I also hope you are less of a puffing Billy. How often are you getting out and about on your scooter. Does Brenda go with you to the shops or do you have someone keeping an eye on her at home?

I feel embarrassed to say I've slept most of the day and have hardly looked at the news. I thought my counselling session might be cancelled but it went ahead. I'm too numb to comment sorry. A lot of difficult thoughts in my head.

Take care all, Love Rose xx

Dear Rose, I slept until 10am this morning, Faye face timed me and we both just cried at all the loss and sadness around us at the moment, death reignite the pain and brings it all back.  Lisa has kept quiet, she has not fully come to terms with the loss of her father, she is very much like me and puts on a brave face.  I have just re read my complaint and can understand why they need more in depth answers, it's harrowing to read, as you say let's "hope".  So all alone today but I'm trying to get my act together and go out for an hour, the weather is depressing but matches my mood.  Love to all, Carol x 

Dear Carol, I totally get what you say. Like you, I force myself out whenever possible. I hope your tears were healing tears, Carol and the same for Faye. Lisa might well find the floodgates opening months or even years down the line. Hoping you get a quiet night. Btw I love the title of your blog - gives me courage when I need it. Had a difficult night, starting to face the biggest elephant in the room, still can't write it, maybe after final two counselling sessions I can? In hope Rose xx

your talking about Faye and Lisa being so different helped me do a post, although I stupidly posted in the wrong section (someone corrected), still only part of the picture but breaking things down so I can try and make sense of things (at least now you know why I don't tend to mention family) thanks again Carol and hoping you are having a better rather than a worse day, not sure what else I can say, other than it's hard love Rose x

The drive out was a nightmare!!  Everyone else had decided to do the same so we drove round in circle trying to park whilst men in large SUVs sat on the road waiting for wives/children to come out the shops because they couldn't get parked, after four goes I was on the verge of leaving but someone came out and I grabbed the space, all for some soap and face wash.  I just watched some TV about the Queen but I'm not in the right mind for death 24/7, so I watched Criminal Minds.  Today I've been home all day, Lisa rang she seemed happy, Harry has made the bucket team, Football and cross country, not bad after three days if school.  Ella had been at a farm birthday party and Faye sent photos of her holding an owl the size of Ella, it was stunning and very fluffy, whilst talking to her Margaret rang from Frankfurt, I said I'd call back and have but she's either fallen over board or is having a good time, she gets home some tomorrow.  Church tomorrow night for a special remembrance of our Queen.  Rose I hope you get sorted soon and don't forget that we have private messaging on here if you need to talk more.  Love Carol x 

I'm in my funereal clothes again and now attending the special service in memory of our dear departed Queen.  The service and procession in Scotland brought tears to my eyes and to walk so slowly behind a beloved ones hearse shows remarkable poise.  Mind I did wonder if one small elderly man would make it, I think he was bearing the Thistle of Scotland but he did.  The young men chosen to carry the coffin looked solemn and so intent what a privilege and yet a worry on their young shoulders in front of the entire world.  But what a story to tell their future children /grandchildren.  I was thinking of travelling to London but it would seem that hours will be required standing to file past the Queen as she lays in state, so common sense has prevailed and I'm staying home.  Hope you are all as well as can be expected.  Carol x

The church service was pretty mundane and we all looked at each other as if to say, is that it, 20 minutes for 70 years of service from our Queen.  Still I met three friends who I hadn't seen for a while, Val lost Peter 18 months ago, she came and stood outside at Norman's funeral as she couldn't face going into church.  Ina, her husband set himself on fire last summer in the garden, she is like me stoical and coping as well as she can.  Mary, her husband had Ms and died in his early sixties, so they all spoke to me and queried how I was, coffee was mentioned by all three, so looking forward to seeing them soon.  Today I've met up with Fiona and am now completing forms to be a volunteer, if accepted then I start a training programme next Wednesday, inspection of hospitals from a lay persons perspective, I'll be good at that!!  Don't laugh but I have also joined the Silver Swans ballet class for over fifties, perhaps I can be the golden Swan as well past fifty.  I did ballet up to teaching standard many moons ago but it will keep me fit and I will meet others as well.  My lovely friends are all struggling in one way or another wit health /husband issues, so as Faye said last year, I need to make new friends.  Still keep my old ones but a few more would not go amiss.  So off to collect my registration forms from Mary's as she has a printer.  Take care, Carol x 

Hi Carol,

What does the inspection thing entail, if you don't mind my asking? Sounds interesting. I've worked for the NHS for the last 20+ years, and something that the NHS does lack in abundance is common sense when it comes to how things are run and planned.

I have so many head scratching stories from my time in the NHS, i could write a war and peace-esque novel about it all.

Keith