Dear Lynn, what good news (well apart from your terrible losses).  Don't laugh but I've just sat and sorted through all my kept Christmas cards, mothers day, birthday cards and could not bring myself to bin them, the ones form Norman are like love letters and the thought of throwing them out is not on my agenda, so like your Mum I'm leaving three large boxes for my girls to sort through when I pop my clogs.  Also loads of photos, which I am going to write on the back so they know who they are, I even found one of Norman as a baby dressed in a pretty frock and done by a professional photographer, it made me smile and then photos of us on holiday, me in tiny shorts which look very uncomfortable, dashing across the beach in a bikini to catch Faye as she had fallen in a large sea puddle, I could have sat for hours looking at them, but it's a job for a winters afternoon.  I feel better today as I've mowed the lawn, swept up, cut the hebe back and it's all looking smarter.  So I have some chilled rose' wine in the fridge and it's past the yard arm so I'm logging off, so pleased for your news.  Carol x

Dear Carol

I've seen several ladies swimming in skirts! Costumes with skirts are back in fashion or you can buy a swim skirt separately. That dream sounds truly horrid. I get the feeling you have a lot of suppressed emotion and anger trying to find its outlet. It's such a pity you can't kick some of the anger out in the pool. If you look up cozzies with skirts, you might be surprised at what is in vogue. At the pool we go to there are lots of ladies who don't give a fig what they look like and we always greet each other with smiles. I categorise people as smileys or grumpies, tending to steer clear of the grumpies. It's people's faces I look at not their legs. Hope you enjoyed the Rosé... Well done on the mowing and floral trim! And hopefully a peaceful night. Rose xx

Dear Rose, I think you're right about the dreams they are all weird, like the one where Norman didn't bother turning up for our Golden wedding party , I was so mad at him in the dream, then I woke up and thought I must tell him he will laugh as ours was in 2019, then I realise he's not there so who do I tell, I don't so it's just gets worse!  I'm not sure what the answer is, hopefully they will faade away in time.  I'm not sure if I mentioned that the hospital rang, the date now is 6th September but as no one has bothered replying in the first place then it's not likely to be then either, I'm trying to not stress over it but dreams do let out what is on our subconscious.  To not even reply to a letter of complaint is awful, how heartless to leave us in suspense because basically they don't care, they didn't care when he was alive so they're not going to be that bothered now he is dead.  So rant over, the wine was lovely.  Xx

Not replying to a complaint is heartless, so many things have deteriorated in terms of customer service... I had to ring the council today and the first two times, after waiting patiently in a queue, I just got dropped! When I finally got through to a real person, they made no attempt to answer my query simply telling me to e-mail (I really didn't want to e-mail) Grrr! Your dreams sound tough. A Golden Wedding is very special and am so glad you and Norman got to celebrate that. Also so pleased you have all those wonderful photos, though obviously it's Norman himself you want beside you. I don't have any photos of my childhood friend – I think my parents may have deliberately destroyed them. And, although I can see her very clearly in my mind, the images in which she is clear and sharp are not the memories I want at the front of my mind. I think my mind has done some very strange things in terms of blocking things. (I have a photographic memory, which has advantages when the memories are good but is terrible when they are not). My grown-up friend keeps dreaming he is still at work, or has to go back into the office, even though he doesn't work anymore.  He's now done over 200 nights of unpaid work, waking confused, disoriented and upset. I've no idea how to help him. Regarding your op, 6th September is hardly any time, if it goes ahead, you will hopefully avoid the greater winter pressures (think this winter is going to be especially tough). I've had a difficult day and night and am struggling with words (have tried to edit the post as it was a mess). There's a lot more I'd like to say, but can't. It's been another surreal week, make good TV, but not great to actually live it. I hope Faye's blood pressure is now okay. And yours! We've got ourselves a home BP monitor – my friend had White Coat syndrome or whatever they call it. But, while his readings were lower at home, mine – lovely and low at GP – rockets into the red zone whenever certain difficult thoughts or emotions come to mind. Made me think of you Carol, as you've been through so much these past few years. Have got my counselling session again tonight, not sure I can face it... Love Rose xxx

I'm so sorry to hear how you are feeling,  it must be hard for you.   Keep the session tonight as you need it.   6th September is now the new date for the hospital to reply to my complaint but yes it would be handy if it was the operation as it would be over with.   I'm dreading having it done and coming home to an empty house,  fortunately good friends are near and I  can call on them.   I'm meeting Sue for lunch and calling in at the opticians as they have not returned Tuesdays phone call,  customer service does not exist.   Take care,  Carol x 

Hi dear Carol  really glad you have friends nearby. 

Took Brenda water sample in yesterday, didn't hear anything phoned up this morning, reception said something there waiting for Dr to check if sample needs sending away,.

Spoke to a Dr friend she said get in touch Brenda should be on antibiotics if anything wrong not wanting for more results to come back it's stupid waiting. 

I've phoned Dr's again calling me back see what happens now. 

District nurse coming this morning so she said to give Brenda blood tests so had some 2 weeks ago so something going on their as well. 

Im feeling useless lately not doing much and lacking energy, got to be those cancer meds causing this. 

Got lovely rain here only trouble grass wants cutting. 

Hope you can get some good days. 

Love Billy xxxx 

Ps noticed Christine is very quiet again (not like her) hope she's ok. 

Hi everyone,  I read all your posts to me and hope you all keep chatting to me for sometime.   I actually slept last night,  no horrible nightmares,  so when I woke this morning I felt like I could remember our lives as they had been before cancer,  I don't think you know that much about my lovely husband as most of it was about how he was during cancer treatment,  not who he was before,  so I hope you don't mind but I'm going to go back to 1963 when I was fifteen and Norman 18 years old.   I lived in a house at the bottom of the village green and had spotted this gorgeous looking boy sauntering down the hill in blue overalls,  I didn't know it then but he was an apprentice for Shildon Shops,  the biggest employee in the North East of railway men and engineers,  he was training as a fitter and Turner and was always in overalls.   So I thought,  he's really fit and would wait for him to walk past my back gate where I would accidentally be looking over it! His hair was the colour of a ravens wing,  he was compact and had a smile that had a tooth missing at the side (our Lisa ended up with the same tooth missing),  I fell in love with him then and there and knew I would marry him one day.   But he had just broken off an engagement to a Catholic girl as her Mum was not happy he was church of England,  one more thing in my favour as I was!!   So for four years we had an on off relationship,  both dating many other people along the way but never once did I want to be with anyone but him.   So I started to ignore him and the old saying of play hard to get worked.   We had many a happy hour strolling the fields around our village with Danny his black and white Border Collie,  a 21st birthday present from his Mum and Dad,  Norman knew all the farmers as he had worked for them during school holidays and potato picking week,  so they would take the mickey out of him by saying they were watching out for us whilst combine harvesting their fields,  obviously we never got run over despite many days of sunshine,  walks and long chats laying in the sunshine.   Norman asked me to marry him ten days after we started going out properly and I was so happy,  I had already chosen my ring without his knowledge and as it was a month's wage in those days he had to save up,  each day when I left work I walked past the jewellers and prayed it was still there,  it was and as I type this it is still sparkling on my finger.   So married ten days before my 21st,  his stag do was the Thursday night before the wedding,  he was so drunk he climbed the porch to my house,  banged on my bedroom window,  not knowing I was sleeping with my Mum as grandparents had arrived for the wedding and were in her room.   I opened the window,  what are you doing I asked him,  Mum's in with me,  I've come to tell you I love you he said,  jumped off the porch and split his trousers,  by the time I got downstairs he had got his act together,  I knew then we were in for a fun filled,  bumpy ride of a marriage.   So fast forward fifty five years and one of the last things he said as Faye and I sat by his bed was,  your Mum's a real bonny lass,  even after all these years.  Faye and I smiled and cried at the same time,  he died that night and his last words were about me,  that is true love.   Carol xx

True love indeed! What a fabulously uplifting post and so lovely to know more about Norman. He obviously cared a lot for you. I'm still in zombie mode after my counselling ... sad, tearful, heavy-limbed day (forced myself to do several chores I hate as it seemed the best use of a sad day). Am delighted you finally got a nightmare-free night and that memories of a life before cancer have come back. Thank you so much for sharing. It gives me hope. Love Rose xxx

Dear Carol, thank you so much for you story about how you and Norman got together and had alot of very good years right through.Your lives 

Thank you again such lovely memories to keep and cherish for you. 

Love Billy xxxx 

Thank you for sharing that Carol, what a beautiful Love story........it brought tears to my eyes, Violet, xx