Dear Chris's, I somehow missed this post of yours, I'll try and help her if I can.  We all get muddled up, my poor friend Dorothy is 72 this month and is struggling with memory, we went to Bella Italia last night, we go all the time and she asked us if she'd ever been before!  We are all being extra kind to her and helping her the best we can.  Hope you OK.  Xx Carol 

So this week has been one of our lowest so far.  Cancer alters your mind, your body and your soul.  I've spent over two years keeping this man of mine alive and then he tells me he would rather be dead than live like this!  What a kick in the teeth after all my hard work. So I understand why partners want to walk away from it all, just leave, go away, let someone else deal with the anger, the temper, the yelling, the depression of living half a life.  Yes the treatment has given us extra time but at what cost to our sanity?  I live on a knife edge knowing that as each month passes we are heading closer to the finish of this struggle.  I could never have been the cancer patient, too much pain and suffering . Too many restrictions on living life, would I have taken the same route, I don't think so. Sometimes I feel like we are hanging off a cliff by our fingernails and the water looks inviting.  He doesn't know I feel like this, what would you reply to his statement. Yes I wish you were dead because I don't want to live like this either.  So on a lighter note we are actually discussing what present we would like for our Golden wedding, a trip on a train he states, not just any old train but a wonderful journey up the Northumberland coast. Or a drive to Glasgow and then a train journey through wonderful Scotland, hubby worked for British Rail on the engines and wagons, his Dad worked there as well so trains have been a passion since he was a little boy.  I think I may look at doing this soon whilst he has some energy. Each day I can see the change in him, the light has gone from his eyes.  

Dear Carol,

Like Taff I agree your posts, both the good and bad, should continue, it's a glimpse of this journey that we've all been involved in through either having or caring for someone with cancer.  We wouldn't be here otherwise. I feel we've become friends along the way and I would miss your posts, your retelling of funny incidents, even the not so good days, and we all have them.

Sounds like normality again.  And what a lovely day you had.  Lunch sounds lovely, and I really must try to find some of these lovely gins you are a fan of.  Getting out and about really does wonders, makes you feel good.  I have to wonder how they came up with the name of Redcar, seems such an odd name for a seaside town.  I actually checked, and it turns out car (kjarr) is an old Scandinavian name meaning marsh, and red could be Old English "read" meaning red or "hreod" meaning reed.  It was interesting reading anyway.  Lovely of Faye offering to send a spare inhaler.  

I went to Deana's Wednesday night (late) and Eli was so unsettled, kept waking, I ended up cuddling him for over an hour (from 4.30am) he just lay in my arms, looking at me until he finally went back to sleep close to 6am, but only for an hour.  So in the end I gave him breakfast, cleaned him up and got him dressed.  By the time Deana arrived home to take him to daycare, he was such a grump and so ready for a nap, which couldn't happen.  So needless to say I was exhausted last night after so little sleep the night before. Had my nail appointment yesterday afternoon, which somehow I arrived way to early for.  I did have a chuckle though, Deana rang and asked if a friend of hers could borrow my small cat carry basket.  So I got it out ready for Nick to pick up.  Cookie instantly hid (she obviously hasn't forgotten her visit to the vet).  Makes me wonder how I'll get her to the vets July/Aug for her shots.  I'll have to be very sneaky I think.

So today has been a quiet day, then tomorrow I'll be on a BBQ stand (fundraiser with Rotary).  Don't know if you do them in the UK.  Various not-for-profit/charity groups hold BBQ stalls at Bunnings stores every weekend Australia wide.

Take care all.  Have a great day.  Love to all.  Sue xx

Dear Sue, you are so clever looking the name up, it's exactly as you describe, there is actually an animal sanctuary there with otters, hares.fish and a nature walk. The paintings I picked up in Old Hartlepool were painted from there with the industry in the background as Redcar was a big industrialarea before recession hit it. They have spent a lot of money regenerating it for holiday makers but its the North Sea, so never particularly warm!  Poor Eli. Poor you, I am useless without sleep I use so much emotional energy that I normally sleep like a log, unless Ella is here!  Yes we do have fundraising here by Rotary, they do an awful lot for raising money for a scanner for cancer.  Norman is a little better today but has a severe stiff neck. Is sneezing and coughing and as usual is trying to be stoical.  Lisa is off to Rome today, 22 young women on the rampage. She got me onto the gin, the naughty girl!!  There are loads of them. Rhubarb and ginger, raspberry, Violet, strawberry, sloe, sapphire and on and on, try one, lots of ice and half a bottle of tonic, you'll be hooked.  So off to M & S for some goodies, then I've said I'll go with him to the golf club to see if his old pal Bob is there. A Scotsman who is in his eighties but as bright as a button and loves his whiskey, I'd better get some money out.  Much love to a dear friend who I'll probably never meet but so admire.  Carol xx

Dear Carol,  It's very unlikely I'll ever travel overseas, so often look up places mentioned by others.  There are some lovely areas near you.  Redcar is no exception.  I can usually still manage on just a little sleep if it's only the 1 night, but am finding as I get older I need a good nights sleep for a couple of nights after.  Rotary contributed along with numerous other groups and businesses to get the cancer day treatment centre here in Colac.  Currently our club helps a community in Fiji.  They do some wonderful things.  Sounds like Lisa will have fun in Rome, going with a group of women.  
Glad Norman is a little better today.  Hopefully the sneezing and coughing will ease and the stiff neck will improve.
I'm going to try one of the flavoured gins.. they have a few varieties locally, but so many more available in Melbourne.  I never realised ther were so many.
Hope you both enjoy your day at the golf club.. Do you play at all.  I only tried once and struggled to hit the ball, even when I did hit it, it didnt even go in the right direction.  I've yet to meet a Scotsman who didn't like his whiskey.
Thank you, you're a dear friend too.  
Take care and lots of love.  Sue xx

We didn't go anywhere in the end, hubby fell asleep, I had a raging headache from my abscess and it poured with rain persistently all afternoon..  So we hunkered down, ate M. & S steak pie and baked beans and watched the TV and read our daily papers.  I can see how tired he is, I suggested booking lunch for Father's day but he's not interested using the usualamtra, it's not a special day.  I think the effort of thinking ahead is too much, I will have to go back to one day at at time, hubby needs to get through one day at a time as its such an effort to do that.  So a grey boring day, which matches our mood, Tesco food shop and maybe a coffee with Mary.  She had a great time last Wednesday as she and Florence had never met but basically had gone to the same school, had the same jobs, Flo had worked where Joe worked years ago. So a big success, I'm just so good at matchmaking friends, Mary is retiring so she needs to spread her wings a little bit more and as I well know good friends are a joy.  Sue, like you I tried golf once, I moaned all the way around the golf course, got wet and cold, couldn't hit the stupid ball, only the ground, so it reverberated all up my arm.  I'm not sporty at all, I'm a dancer, pretty clothes, make up and days out, as Oscar Wilde famously said, golf is a good walk spoiled!!  Never a truer word spoken.  Love to you all Carol xx

Dear Carol,

I was wondering how Julie and Dave were going, it's been so long since we've heard anything.  Probably best to stay in with Norman so tired, your headache and the weather.  He may change his mind later on and want to go out for Father's Day.  Would you still be able to then if he does?  Here you probably be able to get a booking so late.  Do the girls come for visit on Father's Day.  It is a special day, although Neil like Norman used to say "it's just another day."  It's a shock when you first finish work whether the reason is retirement or some other reason.  You really do need something extra to help fill the days.  I'm not really sporty either, although I do love baseball and softball.  I scored softball games for years, the girls all played and I scored, then as Neil watched the games along with other dad's they ended up starting their own team and I scored for that as well  At one stage I was scoring Under 14's girls , Under 17's girls, Women's B and Men's C grade teams, so Saturdays were always spent at softball.  Used to even go away for weekends scoring at championships.  Later I was Secretary of the softball club..  Never played though, can't run,and was scared of the ball coming towards me.  I danced as a kid, ballet, tape and jazz, then as a teen did ballroom dancing.  Learnt piano also for about 8 years.  Love the arts: music, theatre and dance, doesn't matter what kind.  Mum and I used to get season tickets to the ballet, even saw the Russian ballet when they came out.  It was beautiful.  Neil was always sporty, football, cricket, softball, baseball and 10 pin bowling as well,  And of course his fishing.  So we had very different interests,

Today I've been at Bunnings on the BBQ stall,  Made about $800 over the day, so when they have one roughly every 6 weeks it mounts up.  Beautiful weather today, a lovely sunny winter's day, still cool but the sun was wonderful.  The market is run by Rotary (3rd Sunday of each month) as well, so they make quite a bit from that also, with a fee from stallholders, the sausage stall and a gold coin admittance fee.  That's next Sunday, I guessing I'll be doing something to help, I'll find out Tuesday.

Hopefully tomorrow neither of you will feel as gloomy as you have today, your headache will be gone, Norman will be well rested, and the weather will have improved.

Take care and lots of love.  Sue xx

 

It worries me that Julie has not been in touch for some time, I know things were not going to plan so it's worrying that she hasn't updated us.  I am so tired today as my tooth keeps waking me up, the dentist says it's £260 for private extraction which seems a lot as its only a cap!!  But I can't go on like this for another year waiting for the NHS to get its act together.  I thought hubby would want a drive out but it's not been mentioned, he's had a bath and this exhausts him, he taped the Trooping the Colour yesterday so he's watching that.  I can see each day his energy is waning but his frame of mind is better today.  So anyone reading this, if you want to say the truth to your cancer partner just say it!  Beating around the Bush, creeping around them and catering to their every mood is a falsehood, they say they don't want special treatment, so speak your mind and get it out in the open.  I can hear him yawning and he's only been downstairs since noon, a nod off looks promising.  Lisa is back from Rome this afternoon, I bet Harry is excited.  Faye rang to say Ella was in a parade for the Queen's birthday and was going to face time us but I was just going into Tesco so we missed it.  So two sets of friends off to Canada tomorrow for three weeks, oh to be able to go away, but be careful what you wish for.  Carol x

Hi Carol and Sue. Sorry not been on lately but have been quite poorly. Got stomach and back aches and dreadful constipation and then the other way. Feel sick too. Saw my oncologist Tuesday who thinks that the Chemo has disturbed my bowel causing me problems. I’ve had IBS since my 20s. He seemed confident it was not the cancer but to make sure I am to have an ultra sound scan. The good news was my bloods were all good and he was pleased. If nothing on Scan I don’t need to see him for few months again. He said if these lumps appear too often they will do radiotherapy. Thank goodness not chemo. I couldent go through that again. Carol please don’t leave us. I know I don’t tune in so much lately but I always read yours and Sues messages. They mean a lot to me. I feel I am in touch with lovely friends. I am so sorry Norman is not so good. It’s very hard to see it happening I know. I was the same with my Dennis 13 years ago. It breaks your heart to see them suffer and it wears you down too. Sending you both much love and hugs. Hi Sue. Hope you are ok too. Lots of love to you . Gloria xxx