Probably because I don't know how!  Give me a clue what to do. Caz

Firstly, thank you all for the messages regarding Sue's husband, I will message her privately and pass them on.  Secondly,  Gloden what fabulous uplifting news, there is a God and he has seen in his heart your struggle.  Long may it last, sod the grey tufty hair, plenty of wigs and later hair dye!  Julie I hope hubby is doing a little better and you are coping.   My legs still ache from Saturday so my zumba class is not as exuberant as usual, plus the lawn needs mowing, I wish it would stop growing.  I just swept up and the window cleaner lands,  so I have a quick shower and knock the ornament off the shelf and smash the toilet seat.  I am honestly getting to the stage where  when these things happen I don't even get cross anymore , what's a broken toilet seat compared to cancer, nothing.   I've just given hubby some big smackeroos and he looks bemused but after Sue's news,  it brought home to me how short life can be with cancer.  He doesn't know about this forum or who I write to so how can I say I want you to know I love you because a good friends husband has died.   It's a gorgeous day, sunny and blue skies but the wind is fierce,  I've just had to pick another dead bird up, it must have flown into the window, it makes me shudder and gives me the creeps.   These are the sort of thing men are made for but mine can't stand up in the wind so I'd probably end up having to pick him up as well, except he wouldn't end up in the bushes!  I'm being lazy again for his tea, braised steak amd mash from the lovely M & S shop, I've had a gippy tummy since Lumley Castle,  definitely the food, certainly not the drink!  So a little bit of pasta for me.  Funny story, I came home today and hubby yells down the stairs, I can't get my leg off, WHAT do you mean, the buttons not releasing it he says, guess where we're off to again tomorrow! Fortunately he's fiddled with it and is now wearing the other one.  Crikey it's one thing after another.   Take care all of you. Xx

Hi everyone,  Thank you all for your messages and kind thoughts.  Cancer has made me realise we should all enjoy the moment, don't wait.  Neil and I weren't young, I didn't consider us old either, and we still had plans, things we wanted to do, cancer can change that, I know a lot with cancer don't have the journey we had, and go on to live a long happy, healthy life, but regardless, do all you want now, don't wait, live your hopes and dreams.  This is probably the drink talking, 1/2 a bottle of wine and not much food, I tend to ramble.

Gloria, That is wonderful news,  keep getting stronger and kick cancers butt.  Miracles do happen.

Julie, I hope your hubby is doing well and improving each day.  Have you been able to organise having a link for the wedding as yet.  

Sarah,Lynne and Annie,  It means a lot to all of us.  I have shown our youngest this forum and she was as touched as I am .

Carol, Neil didn't know I posted here either, but I have shown Deana tonight.  The toilet seat is nothing when you consider what we are all going through.  Deana cooked a big pot of chicken pesto pasta for us tonight and insisted I eat.  She is wonderful despite being so bossy at present.
I'm going to close as I don't even know how I'm still awake but will post 2 pictures.  One is Neil on probably his last fairly good day.  The other is 3 1/2 years ago with Neil, myself and our youngest on her wedding day.  Happier times.
Goodnight all and take care.  Thankyou again.  Love Sue xx
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Beautiful photos of a wonderful lady and her much loved husband .  At last I know what you look like.   All my love, Carol xx 

Lovely pic Caz. 

Thanks Rile roo,  had to be one with wine in it!!  How you doing?   

Doing OK at the mo. Still haven’t sold the house which is frustrating. 

Got my bonkers head out of the box today and will be doing Brave the shave, well a toned down version of it later this month!

Beautiful photos Sue and very wise words.  Your family sounds lovely - let yourself be bossed for a little while!  Even at this time you are concerned for others, thank you.

Dave is doing well, they're building him up for the big op.  Haven't quite got the link sorted but we are working on it.

Take care of yourself. My thoughts are with you all.

xx

The reason I haven't put my photo on before was because I couldn't!   I can't believe it was only last November , I took all my girlfriends out who had supported me and we had a marvellous food and drink evening.  One of my friends only drinks prossecco and it was getting late, we needed another bottle,  so I grabbed a guy in black trousers, white shirt and tie and asked for another bottle,  he was actually a guy having a meal with his girlfriend,  I was so embarrassed but he said because I looked cute he'd forgive my faux pas!  So back down to earth, James Cook again, pay machine playing up again, coffee machine not dispensing coffee and I missed zumba.  I was a little cross as he books his appointments knowing full well I need to go but never asks if it's ok for me.  So last night I told him that next time to check with me first, I know why he wanted it immediately because it's his golf leg,  I'm not stupid!  Norman next door has removed the broken toilet seat before I forget and sit on it and end up with a large V shaped scar on my  bum and a new one has been purchased.   The guy in B & Q asked if the ornament broke, it didn't but it wouldn't have cost £40.00 to replace I tell him.  I've been watching Killing Eve, it's brilliant and worth watching on catch up.  I'm cooking tonight, fish fingers (sort of cooking)  I can't keep feeding him ready meals and I Seem to have got over the tummy bug from Saturday ! I hope you're all coping out there in our cyber space forum, it's good to help and be helped.  See you tomorrow xx

Hello Everyone, What a gorgeous picture of you Carol, you look so happy and full of life. The pictures aren't so hard once you've done it, although when I did the one I use I did wonder if it worked it took so long before it actually appeared.  And thank you for you kinds words re the photos.  Neil was so proud of his girls, and he was especially close to Deana. She has already stated that her and Nick will take Eli fishing in a year or two, using one of his rods.  Deana and Nick have told me they are staying till Friday when my 2 best girlfriends are coming and will stay Friday.  Erica I have known since we were both teens and Deb lived in the units where Neil and I lived when we were first married so we have been best friends for nearly 35 years.  Deana is still being bossy, cooked a lovely lemon chicken casserole for tea tonight, served it with green veggies.  She pointed her finger at me and said "You'll eat your greens too".  She is a big believer in veggies.  Today has been busy, still more visitors, the celebrant came to discuss Saturday and despite many tears I found it very cathartic.  One of Neils brothers arrived at just the right time and reminded us of things long forgotten that Neil and his mates had got up to, some of which I was around for, we laughed and cried, but it was good.  The house is starting to look like a florist shop.  I will run out of vases soon if they keep arriving. Tomorrow afternoon I will keep my appointment to get my nails done.  Tomorrow Neil's clothes have to be delivered to the funeral home, his mother is hoping he will wear a suit, and while he has 2 the rest of us have decided he will wear jeans, a grey shirt and the beautiful black and grey woollen jumper I bought him for his birthday last year.  He hated wearing a suit and only wore one under sufference.  Only ever wore casual clothes or his hi-vis work clothes but I drew the line at those.  We also decided on a memory table, to display a few things he treasured.  His akubra hat (we got a picture today of Eli wearing it), his Kenworth truck model, a drawn caricature of the truck he drove and a few other things.  John, his best mate will do a eulogy,as none of us would be capable of doing one.  Music has been chosen, a couple of country songs one by Faith Hill another by George Strait and the final song is Jimmy Barnes "Working class man",  most of which is so Neil.  I'm dreading Saturday, it is so final, but I'll always have my memories.

Thank you Julie, it really is good to hear Dave is doing well.  Do you have a date for his op yet?

Rileyroo, so courageous of you to be doing Brave the Shave, even a toned down version.  We have Shave, Cut or Colour - Do It For Cancer, here is Aus, I would possibly colour mine but don't think I could ever shave it.

Will post the picture of Eli wearing Poppy's hat, Neil adored Eli and could always get him to smile, and this picture is the closet we have of a picture with Neil.

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Love to all, take care.  Sue xx

Hi there Sue. 

I’m doing it to raise money put simply. Those that lose hair during treatment are courageous, this is fund raising and as I have hair like coir matting anyway it won’t be too much of a loss. It grows very quickly. Might be a bit of a shock to begin with, particularly for those around me but as I won’t see it most of the time I’m not fussed. 

I hope you are OK, you are one very brave lady. 

Hi there Sue. 

I’m doing it to raise money put simply. Those that lose hair during treatment are courageous, this is fund raising and as I have hair like coir matting anyway it won’t be too much of a loss. It grows very quickly. Might be a bit of a shock to begin with, particularly for those around me but as I won’t see it most of the time I’m not fussed. 

I hope you are OK, you are one very brave lady. 

My dear Sue,  how you have managed to get all together in such a short time is unbelievable.   Everything sounds like the Neil you know and even the clothing,  yes I would have drawn a line under wearing a high viz jacket.  Norman started talking about funerals today, probably because the scan results are due, he wants a cardboard coffin, I said he'd better let his daughter's know that.  I did a eulogies at my Dad's memorial,  I definitely couldn't have at his funeral.  My thoughts will be with you on Saturday and I'm pleased you are getting all the support you need.  Daughter's are bossy but she's making you eat which is good.  The photo of Eli must make you smile, he's gorgeous.   All my love Sue.  Xx

Hi Rileyroo, 

Having treatment, and tolerating the awful side effects is courageous. But to Brave the shave and do it a 2nd time just as your own hair is growing back is really something.  Go for it, raise money so that one day soon (i hope) they can cure cancer.  Be proud, you'll look beautiful.  Neil never fully lost his through the 2 rounds (6 cycles the first time, tthen 4 of the 5 cycles the second time) of chemo he had, it thinned and turned white and was just starting to get some dark hair through it again.  I'm not brave, It was awful watching his deterioration over the 10 months since his diagnosis but you do what you can to make it easier despite how muchyou hate it..  I was scared then, and still scared thinking about life without him.  Myself and our 3 girls are devasted and I'd love nothing more than to just hide away and pretend none of this is happening but we do what we have to, we'll cope and make it out the other side.  Not sure how long it will take but it will get easier.

Take care.  Sue xx


 

I didn’t do chemo Sue. I had early stage breast cancer so it was an op and radiotherapy. 

You and your family have already faced a lot together and  will get through this. Neil has gone and nothing can change that but you are still here and can go forward with your life, I’m sure that Neil would have wanted you to live a life without fear.

A moth has chomped it's way through my one and only  expensive cashmere jumper, nothing else just that, it's bang in the middle so obviously he needed a little window to peep out of through the summer!  My new toilet seat fits which is surprising due to how many I had to choose from, hubby tells Norman there's no rush as we have two other toilets,  but that meant me running up and down stairs because being a man getting him off his would have left me hopping from foot to foot.  I met Jean for lunch and then we order a birthday cake and decide where my "Do" will be.  I wish people running Italian restaurants spoke Northern language,  it certainly took some time to sort out and even now I'm  not quite sure what I've booked,  hopefully it'll all be alright on the night!   Faye has just rang she's been trying to buy me a ring from Hubby and called in the Swarovski store in Harpenden but they were so unhelpful regarding sizing, it's not the same as ours, that I now have to go and try it on in a store in Darlington.   She's going to write a letter of complaint she says!  Gosh my daughters take after me in many ways, mostly for the better I hasten to add.  Big day tomorrow,  3pm is scan results time, fortunately everyone has not remembered, so we won't have to lie if it's not good  news.  So folks &ll see you tomorrow. 

Dear Rileyroo, It was good that your cancer was early stage and you didn't need chemo, but even an op and radiotherapy have their side effects.  Hopefully you are well on your way to a full recovery.
We have faced a lot, as all who get cancer or their families do, regardless of whether it is diagnosed early or later.  Neil's was diagnosed later and while initially both the surgeon and oncologist were confident, I was always scared we wouldn't have a good outcome, as it had spread from his oesophagus even then. Now its scary, it's just me (not really, our girls are wonderful), but Neil isn't ever going to walk in the door anymore, Your right, he wouldn't want me to live being fearful.  I won't be a hermit though, I have lots of friends and will still go out,  This is a new chapter of my life, one I wasn't prepared for but i'll live it and in time it will be a different but good life.
Sue xx

Dear Carol,  Talking about coffins, we could have chosen one with any design on it..Bree said Dad would love one with a truck, yes, that's right we could have found a "nice" picture of a kenworth truck, is there a nice picture of a truck??  But I said no to that, although Neil wouldn't have minded.  I am hoping you get good results tomorrow.

Bed time for me..so goodnight, and take care.  Love Sue xx

We have good news!  After 12 weeks of chemotherapy,  20 radiotherapy sessions,  numerous infections,  ongoing problems with toes, fingers,  anemia and stiff necks, we are now classed as a stable disease!  So no sign of growth, they think, because the scar tissue is so dense they can't see through it, but hey, well take stable any day!  We called in at the pub and had a celebratory drink, came home and rang Alfie as it's his 11th birthday , he's been voted by the school to be Head Boy in his last year, how good is that?  Hubby talks to Faye and she cries with relief, this is so emotional in a good way.  She speaks to me and I tell her we knew the date but held off in case the news was not good.  Lisa next, Anthony answers the phone and immediately senses good news and hands it over to her.  More tears and she speaks to me she's been on tenterhooks all day and pounced on the phone when it rang,  she was furious when a cold caller rang and shouted down the phone to get off the phone as Mum was calling!  So we've had a fish and chip tea, saw Pauline and told her, are you coming to the cookery demonstration tonight she asks, no I'm not, hubby says go, I tell him I'm trying to get out of cooking not learning how to cook!  I've got chilled wine in the fridge, some Mary Berry Lemon cake and I'm going to pig out on the sofa.  Take care all my lively friends. Xx

Great news Carol.  So pleased for both of you. Sending my love to you. Lynne.x

Oh such wonderful news Carol. So pleased and know how you feel. Love and hugs to you both and your family xxx

Yes, thank you all.  Isn't it funny that we take stable disease as good news!  Xx