Yes I forgot the wine, how did that happen!    Hubby still not himself but the anger is not directed at me today, he's a little quiet and inward thinking, I'm just trying to keep busy so I don't think.  Zumba was hard work but seeing my friends cheers me up, they  boost me up and make me more positive.   I call Mary to see if she wants to go to Teesside Park with me and have lunch and shop, we haven't seen each other for two weeks due to her family and mine taking consecutive weeks to come home.  Quick shower and ready when she phones, Joe wants her to do some work for the shop they own, so it's cancelled.  We're both disappointed and I go alone.  Coffee in Next is horrendous !!  Millions of yummy mummies, who obviously have sent kids back to school and all met up with younger babies in tow.  I wolf my drink and muffin down and escape!  Joe has a lot to answer for keeping her working still!!  I've just bought a lovely diamond sea horse necklace for the upcoming fiftieth , I hope she likes it.  Not sure if I'll write tomorrow as will be wearing an eye patch.   When I tell the girls it's a mini eye lift they all want one!  Pity it's only one eye.  

Hello. hope you can read this!  Was it the coffee that was not up to scratch or just the unwanted company?  I bought an (expensive) cup of coffee on the train station on my last trip to hydrotherapy and it wasn't very nice at all - won't do that again.  Haven't done much.  Took Muffin to the common yesterday; we sometimes see a dog which is a pit bull type but it is well behaved and I am told that if you can convince a court that your dog is (a) neutered, (b) muzzled and on a lead when out and (c) never caused a problem it can be allowed to live.  Fortunately this dog is well behaved - much more so than Muffin who was never properly trained before ending up in Battersea Dogs Home from where we got him.  He just about behaves and isn't generally too much of a problem but his hyperactivity is all too obvious although better once I got him on the right food.  Anyway, back to the pit bull type dog.  If there is nobody else around the owner (other than those of us who know them) lets him off the lead for a little while.  Again, no problem.  Muffin however took it into his head to chase the dog and bark at him (Muffin never had any sense) and the poor pit bull type dog put its tail between his legs and ran back to his owner.   The dog has obviously been well trained and looked after and it is quite sweet really.  Nothing else to report unless you count drinking too much Baileys (it doesn't take much for it to be "too much" for me) yesterday evening.  Look after yourself.  Annie

I'm back!  Op went well, five stitches and  massive eye patch stuck down with super glue .  I left hubby sat in the car, I had to get  coin to lift the barrier for us, hubby couldn't reach the slot so he made me get out of the car and do it, then yelled at me to hurry up before the barrier came down on the car.  I realised then I wasn't going to be able to play the invalid.  He then suggested we call at Lumley Castle to check it out for when he goes with me, one of my looks, even with one eye,  put paid to that idea!  Back home he says he's tired and goes to sleep, I finally wake him up and tell him the lack of care for me is appalling,  I've not even had  cup of tea made!  He springs into action,  then tells me not to bring him tea in bed in the morning in case I fall over, not being able to see and all that.  Honestly I think I've spoilt him over the past eighteen months.   Tea is  ready made M & S shepherds pie, can you get some peas out I ask him, head  in cupboard he says there aren't any,  I can see them in front of his nose, half way across the kitchen with one eye,  so peas it is.  I slept well considering the massive eye patch, hubby not so much, doctors appointment made as it looks like another bladder infection .  Probably why he's not been so pleasant,  they send him loopy! Take care.xx

Hello Sue; just wondered how you were doing - is your husband coping with the chemo?  Sorry if I am duplicating questions - I realise you are chatting via the friend link with Carol which I hope is helping you through this difficult time.    This forum is good for being able to speak frankly and get worries out in the open isn't it and the friends link is a godsend for deep-seated feelings and worries.  It has been a few years now since I lost family and friends to cancer; I am a bit of a loose something-or-other just chipping in and chatting if I think I can add anything to a conversation.  I live with my friend Paul whose wife died some years ago now.  As they had been living in a block for sick people who need support he was looking at being homeless when she died.  I had recently bought the house where we live now and it was handy to have a bit more money coming in.  Not sure why I told  you all this - perhaps just so you know how I fit in  here.  Best wishes to you.  Annie

Hi Annie, He hasn't really coped with chemo, it has knocked him around quite a bit.  This one (folfox) more so than the last.  Since his diagnosis if anything could have gone wrong.. it has.  But on the bright side only 1 more to go, next Wednesday, then we wait for a scan, not sure when that will be but I'm assuming a month or two down the track.  Not sure whether he will do any more chemo even if its offered.  He has only really had 2-3 days in each two week cycle that he is reasonably well. Personally I would rather he had quality of life rather than an extended but miserable time.  It has been really good chatting with Carol.  How am I?  Most of the time I'm doing ok, I've accepted he's got terminal cancer, but it is so hard watching what he has become.  Less than 12 months ago he was an overweight, healthy, active workaholic.  Now he is scrawny, shuffles around, barely has the strength to lift a piece of wood to put on the fire. Reading posts on this forum though you realise there are always others worse of, and a lot of people with happy endings too.  Nothing at all wrong with chipping in and adding to a conversation.  Love the pic of your dog, I've got 2 cats, 1 a rescue the other a pedigree ragdoll, neither are the one in my pic..he was one of our previous cats who died of cancer a few years ago, hence his pic.  Thank you Annie.  Best wishe.  Sue

Hello Carol, it was good to read your post yesterday.  Oh dear, we always have to be strong one,  don't we!  Perhaps hubby had not noticed you were operating on half vision - I hope not as I imagine he was doing the driving! As you say, it is probably our own fault for spoiling them.  By way of protest when Paul is unwell now I still take him the occasional can of beer but no longer pour it out for him - just give him the glass and the can.  I think he feels hard done by but knows better than to say anything.  How long do you  have to  keep the patch?    Hope hubby's bladder infection gets sorted out - they can be painful in men (they are painful enough in women!).  Take care of yourself and let us amuse you for a change.  Annie

Hiya again, Sue.  For how long is he continuing to get the chemo weekly?  I can understand that you would rather he had good quality of life but it is so awful that you have to choose between quality and quantity.  I am sorry to read that his strength has deteriorated so much.  I know what you mean about reading the posts; so many are awfully sad and some are downright tragic (if there are degrees of sadness/tragedy; everyone who is losing/has lost a loved one is suffering a personal tragedy).  Little Muffin (the dog) doesn't look as tidy as his photo appears at the moment - he needs a trim but his groomer is away until 16th September so we will have to wait.  I have photos of previous dogs too.  Muffin has a habit of grabbing everything he can get his mouth round and stashing this underneath a small table in the corner (if he is downstairs) or under my bed (if upstairs).  I was looking for something this morning and found all  manner of things under the bed - I do check it regularly but he never stops doing it.  Bits of paper, a book, socks, anything.  Do look after yourself, Sue.  Annie

Hi Annie, Earlier in the year Neil had six chemo cycles a week between each, along with 30 days radiation at the same time.  This time it is 5 cycles with two weeks between. He has the IV in day ward then comes home with a bottle that lasts for 48 hours,  The last is Wednesday.  After the first round of chemo, they had planned to operate and remove the tumour, but when he had the scan even though the tumour (esophageal) had shrunk, the cancer was in numerous lymph nodes, and his surgery was cancelled.  Neil did ask, but no time frame given, just that it was now terminal.  He now also has heart issues, (due to radiation), he has bouts of AF, his heart races at abt 180 beats per minute.  Hospitalized with that 3 times in maybe the last 6 weeks.  Little muffin is gorgeous.  It is funny the things they play with, and where they put them.  My ragdoll loves straws, the other loves rubber bands and when she has finished playing with it she puts it either in her food or water bowl.  I keep busy Annie and I find music is very calming.  Sue

Well I look worse today than yesterday , big bruise under eye but at least I can see again!  Hubby has had a better night after taking his antibiotics and seems a little calmer but the aggravation is still under the surface.   Into town for coffee and scone and peace and quiet.  This week has been a little tough because when I'm not fully fit it impacts on him, plus he worries also which makes things worse.  He tries so hard to do little things for me, I'll make you a coffee he says, lovely I say.  Five minutes later my name floats from the kitchen , I get up , go into see what's wrong,  he can't get the cellophane off the new milk, don't you feel life is against you sometimes!  I'm blinking frozen today, it's cold, wet and miserable.   Everyone in our road is on holiday and posting photos on face book, this really cheers me up and I send a message back saying, go away  A few days on my own would be heaven.  X