Probably because I don't know how!  Give me a clue what to do. Caz

Our peaceful night was spoilt because hubby was having horrible phantom pain due to swapping legs around,  this is so painful he shouts out in pain.  I give him some pain killers and we go to bed but by 5.00 am and then. 7.00 am he is shouting again so I get up and make tea, crawl back into bed, get up again and go to zumba  I find the music and exercise gives me a chance to just concentrate on this and it helps.  One lady stops me and says she follows me because I look so graceful and know the routines and did I used to be a dancer.   I did actually I tell her I trained for the Royal Society for teachers of dance when we lived in Chingford.   How lovely that a forty year old lady compliments someone thirty years older and actually says so!  Back home hubby looks worn out and can't be bothered to do anything so I tell him he can chauffeur me around to the tip, charity shop amd garden centre.   The weather is glorious and a staggering 21 degrees and we have to strip our practically  sewn on jumpers  off.  I buy some plants and get home and do a couple of hours pottering.   So the birds are happy with a clean bird bath, new fat balls and seed and we have a perfect imprint of a dove that has flown into the conservatory window,  it obviously survived as there is no dead body to pick up!  I'm meeting an old school friend for coffee tomorrow,  she has been looking after her new grandson Levi (was going to be Diego but common sense prevailed,  but still became his middle name), as Janet was a P.E. teacher her children are hardly bohemian,  still each to their own.  See you tomorrow 

We have a relatively quiet night but my sleep has been so disturbed I wake up intermittently through the night.  Hubby comes down and starts moaning about the headlines in the paper, and anything else he can think of, it's so draining but I don't answer just ask if he wants toast and carry on doing normal things,  I'm not sure if it's moaning without realising or just his way of getting his anger out of his head.  We decide that as I'm meeting Janet he will go to the golf club,  so I escape early, pop and see Mary, return a parcel and go off to the little shopping complex at West Auckland, he is better left to his own devices.   Janet and I meet, change venues because it's so hot, 26 degrees,  so we sit in a pretty courtyard under a sun brolly and sit and natter.   Her little grandson is now in nursery a couple of days a week and she admits that having him is very tiring.   This is the problem none of us look old and our children don't realise how tiring it is at 70 to look after little ones.  We all had children in our early twenties and feel we deserve to live as we now wish without being landed with child care!  So back home, plants watered  wine and soda in the garden and tea cooking,  hubby should turn up soon. See you tomorrow 

Hubby turned up at 6pm but had not had a good afternoon.   He thinks he's got a bladder infection and feels really unwell.   So up early to ring doctor, number 34 in the queue, so I make him tea, get dressed and finally I'm through and get an appointment.  He wants to see the nurse but he has to see the doctor so he gets a annoyed while I'm talking to the reception .  I'm not in for a good day as these infections make him unwell, grumpy and argumentative.   I abandon him at the surgery as my hair is being cut, I had to cancel last one for James Cook appointment.   I am looking like a Yet ti so I'm not missing this one.  My life is not my own and I'm starting to get cross, nothing is getting better, just worse.  I want to get away and Lisa says her hubby could come up for a few days and cycle the Dales and stay with Dad whilst I go South.  This is not going to happen because it takes hubby out of his comfort zone and travelling three hundred miles there and back for two days is not worth it.  If I could get him on a level where he could cope I'd be off like a flash.  So all in all not a good day which is a shame because the weather is gorgeous.   I've  already had three wine spritzers and can't be bothered to cook so here I come Mr Chippy!!  See you tomorrow 

It's a beautiful day but hubby's mood doesn't ,match it!  He's argumentative and is blocking everything I want to do.  We need a new garden bench,  last year was so awful and with all the treatment we never sat out,, I actually allowed Ella to stick stickers all over it as it was going to the tip!  But his lordship has decided that we don't need a new one and we can use this one, I tell him he can sit on it and get splinters in his bum but no one else will be and that he's just being bloody minded.   This obviously hits home because I'm told to measure  it up and begrudgingly we can "have a look".  Well gee thanks talk about taking the pleasure out of the little life we currently have.  I give up and meet Sue for lunch, he picks me up but is too tired to go and look.  Faye wants to face time, this is arranged but hubby is asleep in the conservatory and he can stay that way, it makes life simpler when he's asleep!!  See you tomorrow. 

Faye face times us but she looks tired and downtrodden.  I'm not sure what is wrong but she loves her Dad and I think these constant infections and not being near us is getting her down. It's  bad enough for me but I can see first hand the truth of the matter.   By ten thirty hubby says he doesn't feel at all well and looks grey, worn out and unhealthy.   I go to bed but chew the inside of my mouth, my tongue and wake up hot and sore.  It's a beautiful day again so we decide to have a drive out but by the time he has had a bath, I've patched him up again and he's had tea and toast and three million tablets we're  both past it!,  The new bench can wait til he feels better and my lovely Lady Gardener is coming to clean the patio tomorrow so there is no rush.  Life goes on as normal despite what you are going through.  It's over a year now since he was diagnosed and care and love have kept him with us I hope we have many more months left.  See you tomorrow 

Hello again.  I didn't mean to disappear so suddenly; I had a week's break planned from 14th April but earlier in the week injured my back and - to cut a long story short - got help to get us down to Somerset a bit early anda  larger house party than originally intended.  It was all very nice however especially when the weather started to improve. 

Sorry that hubby has been struggling (and so I imagine have you) but hope things are not as dire as your worst fears.  Middle of the night is awful, as you say.    Difficult for all concerned; you are a strong lady but there are limits to how much you can take.  Annie

Hi ANNIE,  glad you had a marvellous time and brilliant you had good weather.  I would love a break but it's  not looking promising.   I did wonder where you were!  Hope your back is better soon. Xx

I get up early as I have someone coming to clean the patio and fortunately it's a decent day.  Hubby is pleased with the results so I may get my new bench and furniture .  I wash all the plant pots and re pot plants and by 3 pm I'm finished.  Hubby has gone to Sedgefield as he is feeling a lot beter.   These infections take their toll on him and we just have to be patient.  I ring Faye and gently ask if she is OK, yes just tired, I tell her Dad is a lot better and that his bloods are OK and she seems happier with this information.   Steak burgers for his tea and a couple of cans of Guinness to keep his iron up and hopefully by the end f the week he will be on the mend.   I have few plans this week which makes  change but as we women know our work is never done!!

I sleep like a log due to all the fresh air yesterday and for once wake up feeling refreshed.   Hubby has stopped coughing in the night which is a big help to us both, sleep is a necessary when you are ill or coping with a partner who is unwell.  I do y zumba class, come home and get ready to go to Stockton garden centre.   Hubby is going to try some golf but within an hour it is raining and cold.  I look at benches, take photo's to look on line for simular.  I queue for cake and coffee but it's so busy I give up, buy two begonias and go back to my car. Since parking a great big a Over lander and a four by four have parked either side of me, I struggle to get in the car as I have a three door Beetle and they haven't left me much room.  Cursing and swearing I then can't get out as cars have parked behind me, I don't think I have ever done an eight point manoeuvre in my life but this is what it took to reverse out!!  I'm back home safe and sound and hubby got to Richmond, turned round and came back, so not a good day for either of us.  See you tomorrow. 

I take a cup of tea into hubby and there is no response,  we are in for a bad day.  I am off to get my colour done as I had to cancel the original appointment and am being cut and coloured in relay format.  As I leave he looks fed up, worn out and depressed and I feel that the last fourteen months of pain and treatment have got us precisely nowhere.  However I hear from a friend on this website who was in the same position as we are but her hubby didn't make it, so I make a resolution to be patient and understanding and he tells me he is worried about this bladder infection as it is not going away and he feels exhausted.   He's  asleep now and I don't really know how to deal with this as it is not cancer related but his immune system is not up to fighting it.  I get my hair done and say I feel better having my usual colour back,  then laugh as I say, well my false real colour!   I plant the begonias I bought yesterday and they look bright and chirpy in their tub, the birds are nesting and there is a cacophony of birds  cheeping as soon as anyone gets near the nest.  They are so colourful and tiny and you wonder how they survive.  A new garden bench is being ordered and if the north easterly winds subside we may get to sit out.  See you tomorrow 

I take a cup of tea into hubby and there is no response,  we are in for a bad day.  I am off to get my colour done as I had to cancel the original appointment and am being cut and coloured in relay format.  As I leave he looks fed up, worn out and depressed and I feel that the last fourteen months of pain and treatment have got us precisely nowhere.  However I hear from a friend on this website who was in the same position as we are but her hubby didn't make it, so I make a resolution to be patient and understanding and he tells me he is worried about this bladder infection as it is not going away and he feels exhausted.   He's  asleep now and I don't really know how to deal with this as it is not cancer related but his immune system is not up to fighting it.  I get my hair done and say I feel better having my usual colour back,  then laugh as I say, well my false real colour!   I plant the begonias I bought yesterday and they look bright and chirpy in their tub, the birds are nesting and there is a cacophony of birds  cheeping as soon as anyone gets near the nest.  They are so colourful and tiny and you wonder how they survive.  A new garden bench is being ordered and if the north easterly winds subside we may get to sit out.  See you tomorrow 

Hi Caz. Sorry hubby not so well. Let's hope the weather gets a little warmer and maybe he can sit outside on your new bench and enjoy the sunshine. Good to get your hair done. Makes you feel better. I'm going for Pet scan on Monday in Stoke and then beginning Chemo on Tuesday. Will lose my hair they say so going to get appointment for wig. Really worried but trying to stay positive. Wish my lovely husband was here. He was much braver than me. Going to buy some geraniums and have set my sweet peas . Love my garden. Find it's very healing. Love and hugs to you xx

So nice to hear your news and I'll keep my fingers crossed for good news on the scan front.  I love my garden and if it's nice I'm out there.  Nature cheers you up and seeing what you planted still makes me smile,tulips with double heads, sweet peas that smell delightful and Roses starting to rapidly sprout and then bud.  How clever is nature, we think we know best, but nature beats us all.  Hugs to you and keep in touch. Xx

Hubby sleeps for over two hours and I can hear his chest squeaking as he breathes in and out.  I keep checking him and wonder if this is a sign of more than a bladder infection.  I wake him up as it's getting cold and he keeps getting a stiff neck if he sleeps too long.   Today he says he is no better so I call our GP and I'm just off to collect more antibiotics.   I have had an hour in the garden having bought a new pot and compost and it looks lovely, the sun is shining, we have two robins, one fat one slim (bit like me and hubby, just had to buy extra large underpants for him!)  My lovely neighbour is back from Devon and has mowed the front lawn and chopped the hedge back for me.  What would we do without good friends, I would be lost.  I ring Mary as she had a minor op yesterday but there's no reply so I hope all is well.  The wind is still biting but if its  sunny I can cope.   See you tomorrow 

Mary asks me to meet her in town but I don't want to leave hubby alone,he is shaky and tired so I stay home.  We have a leisurely morning and then drive to Piercebridge and buy fat balls more lawn repair and he actually makes it into the shop.  We then decide to have a ride out and head for Barnard Castle where we have a bag of chips each and watch the world go by.  Hubby seems a lot better and we hope the antibiotics are kicking in.  Back home we have tea and walnut cake and after a really healthy diet say we don't want any tea, great no cooking today! ! Lisa calls and tells us that it's freezing in Surrey as well and she's actually thinking of putting the heating on, it must be cold because there's no heating on when I stay!!  Anyway friends are travelling down from Scotland next weekend and they are all booked in for a sleep over in the Dinosaur museum, how exciting is that for two  seven year old boys and how sscary!   So feet up and a glass of wine and I feel happier knowing hubby is on the mend.  Xx

Hubby sleeps for another two hours and hopefully this is a remedial snooze.  That's the problem with reading facts about cancer, is he sleeping more because of the tumour or because he had another infection, how am I supposed to know the difference?   We are both sleeping better to the point where my face had been on the pillow so long I need polly filla to fill in the creases when I get up.  This morning his arthritis has kicked in in his hands and he struggles to get shaved and dressed, it would be nice to eventually have one morning without something being wrong, it's wearing for me , never mind him..  Coffee and cake for breakfast and the birds have kicked all the soil out of my new pot.  I tootle next door and pinch some of my neighbours slate, I'll stop the pesky little things somehow.  My patio is breaking up again after all the re-grouting last year so the builder arrives just as I'm cooking tea so hubby gets involved and suddenly we're having to pay again to repair it.  I'm furious as until he butted in it was being done for nothing!  I'm spitting feathers but let it go as I'm not arguing, it's not worth it, this cancer has a lot to answer for because once upon a time I would have stood my ground, but you learn the battles that are important.   Kevin says how well he looks and calls me Florence Nightingale,  good job he was here or I would have been acting like Mike Tyson, and boxing him round the ears.  See you tomorrow    

By 10.00 pm last night hubby does not look at all well, grey and pinched and not concentrating on any TV programmes.   I feel worried but what can I do?  This morning he sounds better, has a bath and we redress the wounds.   After four months of GP visits,  hundreds of plasters, sea kelp dressings, false skin plasters and iodine the wound is beginning to heal, the radiotherapy may have halved the tumour but it's  100% damaged his skin.  He looks more like himself and says he's  slapped some blusher on to impress me!   We are waiting for Kevin to arrive so we stay home and watch the Grand prix,  it's very exciting and just finished,  so we both have a drink to toast Lewis Hamilton winning and he's now going to have a nap whilst I chill out before cooking tea.   It's  been a pleasant day and although it's intermittently raining the sun has shone and the birds are happy.  My black lace tree is thriving and the hebe blooming for the bees, so all is well with the world, just our world would be much better without cancer in it!.  Enjoy your weekend .

Our builder cancels on us but we don't really mind as it's  cold and raining and we can't  be bothered to think about it, so we have stir fry for tea nd settle down for the evening.  He is looking better and this cheers us both up.  Today he's washed up for me and gone to get his car washed so pretty much a normal day.   I go and visit Margaret and take scones,  not realising she is on a liquid diet for four weeks, every cloud has a silver lining she says as she needs to lose weight!  I tell her I'll pick her up for zumba and she can sit on the side lines, doing arm exercises and leg movements like the oldies do!  I speak too Faye and Ella has had a check up for her severe egg allergy but nothing is being done as she is till too allergic.   She is disappointed as it makes life difficult for her, she was at a birthday party on Saturday and couldn't have the cake so they found her some rocky road instead.  Ella is only five but she is used to this and no longer bursts into tears whilst all the others munch cake and she is left out.  Still there are worse things in life and we need to appreciate this.  Lisa is coming for next May Bank holiday so s nice weekend to look forward to. Xx

Hi again.  Hope you are okay in the cold.  You sound a bit stressed some of the time - which is not surprising - so hope you are okay.  I am having a comparatively easy day today; woke up very early with a migraine kicking the inside of my head. Too far gone to be able to stop it in its tracks with my triptan prescription; I take one in desperation and spend the next hours wanting to throw up and occasionally managing it.   Fortunately my mate Paul was around and came and took Muffin the dog under his wing when he felt it was time for his breakfast and he wanted general attention (Muffin that is, not Paul).    I just lay and groaned in bed.  I am not good at suffering; a real misery-guts.  So have just gone out to the shops and to give Muffin a walk when it briefly stopped raining; am going to do very little for the rest of the day.

Glad to learn that your hubby has got over his little bad period and is feeling better.  You must worry when he starts to droop.     Annie

Hi ANNIE,  yes I am stressed, Norman is not being responsible for anything on a day to day level and I am taking the brunt of it.  The builder hss just been and although he got involved on Saturday,  tonight he doesn't want to know, so I have made him go and talk to him about what we need to do, I'm sorry but he can't live in a cocoon, he lives here as well!  Sometimes my patience is stretched as it's  all me, me ,me and it's dragging  me down, even when I told him about Margaret he turned it back to when he was in hospital ten years ago!!  I have had horrIid migraine and it is foul, you can't think straight and the pain is incredible.   I hope you are feeling better and it's lovely to hear from you.xx

So the builder causes us more problems and as I'm  trying to cook I send hubby out who doesn't want to speak to him, he comes back in fuming and this carries on for the rest of the night.   Anything that upsets his little cocoon sends him into a spiral and I'm getting annoyed as he should be involved more in our daily lives.   The builder starts rabbiting on again about his wife who has depression,  I had all this last year with him and I don't  need hid problems, so when he tells me she is staying in bed for two days at a time, my usual happy equilibrium  snaps and I tell him I would be glad to have the chance to stay in bed for two days!!  Anyway he's  back tonight and once he gets his coffee he will be left to get on with it.  I have struggled with zumba this morning so I get home have a shower and I can hear hubby talking to some one,  it's  the lady gardener and he's agreed to her cutting the bushes at the front,  he's  actually a made a decision,  hurrah!  It's  a beautiful day and no north east winds so hubby has gone out, a chance to wash the kitchen floor, water the plants, feed the birds and have a sit down, it's  bliss, until they all land on me again! !  See you tomorrow