Cancer Research UK main site

I just can't anymore

jennie_kim07
Offline

Hi everyone...

You may know me or not; I'm jennie, 20 years old (korean age, cuz here im 19) and I have leukaemia stage 2. Since I have cancer, I've been trying to act really positive and tried to be helpful to everyone cuz I hate to be considered like a weakling. 

But the truth is that I'm sad, scared and mad. Sad that I'll have to leave the only family I have (I don't really know it either), scared to die suddenly without accomplishing my goals and my dreams and oh god, mad to the whole world for having cancer. I know there's other people dying and straving. But how do you want me to act all natural as if nothing's happening?? 

I also know that things have been good to me those times, I'm not even stage 3; why is she complaining? You're probably thinking. 

Well here's the truth: cancer has made me selfish. So selfish that I don't even see who am I hurting and stuff like that. 

I'm tired of being constantly on chemo, constantly throwing up and constantly sick. I'm tired of all that, I just want.to.be.normal. 

Is that too much asking???

  • Offline

    Hi Jennie, I can't say that I understand what you're going through as I don't have cancer. All I can say is you have every right to be sad, scared and mad and a whole lot more!  Do you have any Macmillan support, who you can talk to?  So how long have you been on chemo? I can understand you feel selfish since finding out you have leukaemia. My friend was diagnosed a couple of months back and she said it has given her a reality check and made her realise what's important in life. I'm sure others will be along to share their experiences and how they deal with things. Take care x

  • Offline in reply to Michelle1978

    Hi Michelle! Thanks, I kinda realize that someone finally understands my feelings. I'm sorry for your friend I hope she'll get better soon

    As for my chemo, I'm doing my cycle right now (I started last week, I'm usually doing a cycle of two weeks). I have cancer for about 8 months now and I'm have a rest of two weeks between the cycles. Even if I'm used to it its still a pain in the ***...

    I'm also taking other meds (teniposide and methotrexate).  

    And yop  I have Macmillan support but it ain't doing any significant differences to how I'm feeling...

  • Offline in reply to jennie_kim07

    Hi there Jennie. I can relate to your anger completely. I was diagnosed with Follicular Lymphoma in September and I've just had my 3rd monthly dose of chemo. I'm in my 50's but I still feel that my life and all the things I want to do are being stolen from me. It was a lovely day today - I wanted to go out and walk in the sunshine but instead I'm stuck lying in bed waiting for the next visit to the bathroom. I've started a self-help course in Mindfulness using a book and some online guided meditations. I'm hoping that will help me face things better. I've also decided it's ok to focus on myself. My work (which I've given up for now) is based round projects - and I'm now describing myself as being on 'Project Health' where the focus is completely on supporting my own body to work with the drugs and rid myself of the bad stuff so I'm trying to be calm, eat well and 'listen to my body'. I don't expect things to be as before - I'm also preparing myself for a 'new normal'. Having decided to be indulgent and focus on myself, I really feel like I am working with my body rather than fighting it. Having said all this, I still cry and I still feel angry .... but no longer all the time. If you'd like to know more about the mindfulness, I can post the web page for it. Perhaps we could both try the meditations and compare notes? :) Talk soon. And remember you are not alone x

  • Offline in reply to nhl-newbie

    hi jennie hi ladies im also 50 and was dx with diffuse B cell non-Hodgkin's lymphoma I've been under breast unit past 7 weeks as my original dx was breast cancer but after surgery my tumour was sent to leeds and discovered I had NHL im not sure how I feel im waiting for referral to haematology and just want to know my prognosis besides the breast lymphoma I have several small indeterminate nodes noted in neck and left para-aortic region I don't have a clue what that means the breast nurse says ill need chemo and radiotherapy but after all the confusion im waiting till its in front of me in writing xx good luck to you both xx

  • Offline

    Hi Jennie, I was diagnosed with stomach cancer last year and it all seemed bleak at the start. The best thing I can say to you is don't give up hope. Tell yourself that you will get through this and you will get well. It's amazing what can happen and thinking positively is the best medicine. When you have treatment, talk to the nursing staff. Seek psychological support from your cancer therapy centre, I expect that they can let you talk to someone. I wish you all the best.

Speak to a nurse

Quick links

Follow us

Registered with Fundraising Regulator (logo)
Cancer Research UK is a registered charity in England and Wales (1089464), Scotland (SC041666), the Isle of Man (1103) and Jersey (247). A company limited by guarantee. Registered company in England and Wales (4325234) and the Isle of Man (5713F). Registered address: 2 Redman Place, London, E20 1JQ.