Hello Garf,

So sorry to hear you are in such a bad place at the moment, but I hope writing some of it down on here, along with people's responses, are helping you a little.  You sound cross with yourself for feeling the way you do, which you musn't do.  You feel the way you feel and the important thing is to accept that and try to find ways of dealing with it.

Your words about your wife really struck a chord with me - my husband has been a wonderful support for me, both through my Mum's illness and since her death a few weeks ago.  I am not sure how he has done it, both providing masses of emotional support for me, but also taking on all the care of the house and our daughter when I was away with Mum so much, and going to work of course.  The last week, I was snapping at hime about something, just because like you I don;t cope very well with day to day annoyances and frustrations at the moment, and took it out on him.  And he snapped back at me - soemthing he very rarely does.  But it made me feel awful, that I have just been a miserable person, a long way from my normal self for months now, and probably haven't recognised how hard that has been in me.

It scared me, almost as much as losing Mum - because it just made me realise that when awful things happen, we take our loved ones for granted, even if we don't think we do.  But in my case, this was true and it has really made me think, and it has also helped me sort myself out a bit as despite what has happened to mum, I do recognse that I have a lovely life and lovely family and I would hate for anything to change that.

At the same time, I think I said to you before that when you lose a loved one, I do think it changes the person you are.  In your case you have lost more than one so understandably the impact on you has been even greater.  I am sure your wife realises this - just make sure you keep talking to her, and don't assume that the way you see yourself is the way she sees you - you say she is a wonderful person, so I am sure she accepts that events have changed you and that you are still coming to terms with things.

I really hope things start to feel a bit better for you soon - take care of yourself,

Catherine

Thank you all so much for the support and advice, it means an awful lot to know there are people here who care and understand as we all have our own experiences and knowledge.

Brian I am very glad your Dad seems to be recovering so well despite his adventure with the flooding in Calgary. He seems to be someone who copes well with adversity which is obviously a trait he shared with you.

Mickied it sounds completely right that you feel sorry for your husband all the time.  I very often catch my wife looking at me and knowing I am not myself and her smile, although genuine is full of pity for what I am feeling.  I am also guilty of not telling my wife exactly how I am feeling and the thoughts I have although we very often discuss my Dad and sometimes words just don't seem neccessary.

Catherine we really do take our loved ones for granted almost to the point where we can forget that they also have problems and worries. Just because we need support doesn't mean we should forget how to give it.

I think I learned something today while at work.  I had arranged for some elctrical work to be done and while the elctricians who I know well were here they, myself and a guy who works for me actually had a bit of a laugh trying to put a chandelier together.  For a few minutes I forgot about my state of mind and was doing fine until I laughed out loud with them.  It felt wrong!  It felt dis-respectful!  As a result I went back into what seems to have become my default setting.  Maybe it's a result of having spent so many months worrying, being scared and mourning that feeling happiness has become alien.  I certainly can't shake the opinion that I have no right to feel happy when others that I know and love have suffered so much, and I include people here in that thought.  I am sure that Dad and others would tell me off for thinking like that but it is very hard not to.  It seems I have given myself something to consider.

Thank you all again so much and take good care.

Garf.

Hi again Garf,

I just read your previous reply, and your story about laughing with the guys at work reminded me of something someone told me. They said that when you start to come to terms with your loss, you will find a way to keep all the memories of that person in a little box inside your head.  You will, from time to time, dip into that box, and sometimes will find good memories and sometimes sad ones.  But what they were getting at is that by keeping those memories tucked away allows you to hold onto them, but stops the sad ones mixing with things that are happening in our lives now.  It made so much sense, as like you I can't quite get straight how you hold all the pain of losing a loved one but carry on doing normal things and feeling normal about doing them.  I guess this idea is the answer - I'm not there yet, I don't think you are either but it is something to work towards.

I loved Beryl's reply to you about going home and hugging your wife - I wholeheartedly support hugs with our loved ones as one of the best forms of support  - at the same time as reassuring her that you are still you and that you love her, it will give you great comfort too!

I hope you have a happy and relaxing weekend to come, and enjoy the sunny weather whilst it's here!

Take care,

Catherine

Hello Garf ,we havnt spoken before but I just wanted to say our emotions are very strong ,when we are are the partner of a loved one withan awfull illness ,or like myself and others on this forum we have lost the love of our lives ,we get annoyed because loss and what is to come are alien to us ,but we are stronger than we know and we will survive ,we wont give in so I realy hope you get all the help and support you need and deserve ..keep smiling ..Susanne.......

Hello Garf ,we havnt spoken before but I just wanted to say our emotions are very strong ,when we are are the partner of a loved one withan awfull illness ,or like myself and others on this forum we have lost the love of our lives ,we get annoyed because loss and what is to come are alien to us ,but we are stronger than we know and we will survive ,we wont give in so I realy hope you get all the help and support you need and deserve ..keep smiling ..Susanne.......

It is so very frustrating!

After writing this initial post and receiving such kind responses I actually felt a little better with myself.  The weekend was quite a good one, I even managed to resoundingly beat my Brother-in-law at tennis on Sunday which is unusual. Back at work on Monday was more or less fine but then on Tuesday I felt thoroughly rotten and miserable for no apparent reason and I have spent so much energy since trying to get back to myself I am now drained again.

Why does my mind suddenly decide to ditch all the hard work it has done and go back to "woe is me" mode?  Why is it impossible to have any kind of control over such a fundementally crucial part of my body?  Surely there is a part of my mind that knows these thoughts and feelings are causing pain and misery but it continues blindly on.

I am going to North Wales for a few days tomorrow and my first port of call is to spend the night visiting my Step Mum.  I haven't seen her since we scattered Dad's ashes and it's the first time I have set foot in that house since the day he died. I am not looking forward to it and although I know that this will affect my state of mind I have the distinct feeling that this battle in my head will continue at full tilt after I get home in nine days.

Wish me luck and I will post again at some point after I get back.

Best to you all, Garf.  

Hi Garf

I know exactly how you feel.  At the weekend I was totally drained but on Sunday I felt a lot brighter.  I happened to mention this yesterday to own doctor as I was constantly feeling guilty and sorry for people and at one stage I thought I was slipping into depression.  She asked what I worked at and I told her she said this was completely normal and it just showed what type of person I really was.

Even her saying that made me feel much better about myself so it could all have to do with the type of person you are too Garf.

It is going to be hard for you Garf when you enter your father's house but please try to bring all the happy memories you have of him in that house to mind.  I also think that sometimes we can surprise ourselves too when we think we aren't going to be able to cope this is the time when we do and hopefully Garf you will feel the same.

Take care

Mickied

Hi Mickied,

Thanks very much for that and I promise to try and do what you suggest and bring happy memories into the house with me.

Fingers crossed!

Garf.

Hi everyone,

I was going to update this thread in a few weeks but am honouring my promise to Jules and adding to it briefly now.

At the moment I don't feel quite as bad as I did when I first wrote "In a bad place" but I can't really say I am a whole lot better either.  It feels like like I'm trying to climb out of some sort of pit and on the odd occasion when it seems I might have reached the top I lose my grip and fall back in again.  My wife and I spoke about my state of mind a month or so ago and although it helped a little I am still plagued by feelings and emotions that I can neither control nor ignore.

Fortunately I work for a company that provide a counselling service and tomorrow I have the first of five telephone sessions with a councilor.  Quite simply, without going into detail about what they are,  I need to know whether the feelings I have are genuine or just some kind of sub-conscious distraction to prevent me facing up to my grief.  That doesn't make much sense as I am not saying what my feelings are and I have to admit that there are two reasons for that.  One is that they are not cancer related and two I don't want anyone to think badly of me.

Anyway that's where I am at the moment and I will update this either as the sessions go on or when they have finished.

Thank you for reading and especially for caring.

Garf.

Garf,

Just wanted to say thank you for the update on this post, and I really hope the counselling helps you understand and deal with things a little better.  It is a big and brave step to do it, and I think the decision is very wise given how you suggest you are currently feeling.  I am sure it will help gain some clarity on what is going on and help you find a way through it.

After a brief upturn in my emotions and feelings, I am struggling more and more to deal with missing Mum, and have started wondering if I should look at some counselling eventually.  I'm not quite ready to do it yet, but can feel my thoughts getting into a negative spiral, triggered by what has happened and the indirect consequences of how it has started making me feel about life etc.  Like you, my company offers an employee welfare service, which includes counselling, so I know this is there as an option should I need it.

Take care of yourself and good luck for tomorrow, will be thinking of you,

All the best,

Catherine

Thank you Catherine,

You are so right about going on a downward spiral and no matter what you say to yourself or what others may advize it just never gets better.  I have finally got to a point where I feel I have to do something about it and I am hoping that realizing that is the first step on the road to some kind of recovery.  Where I will be at the end of that road though I have no idea.

Thanks again for thinking of me tomorrow and I will post again either after that or a little further down the line.

Take care.

Garf. x

Hi Garf,

I have been reading your posts and just want to say I'm sorry you've been feeling so bad.  When we lose somebody we love our emotions are all over the place, especially when we have watched somebody go through this cruel and terrible disease, and sometimes we may be off with those we love the most just because they are the closest to us.

I lost my Mum 4 weeks ago to the same cancer that I lost my Dad to 5 months earlier, I can't begin to tell you the emotions I've been through, anger, guilt, sadness, numbness, fear and denial to name just a few.  I am still going through many emotions now.  All of these are normal, everybody's grief is different and somehow we have to go on the rollercoaster until oneday we reach an acceptance.  What I would say to you is to go with the counselling.  I have a counsellor and it has really helped, I had never had counselling before but just knew when Mum got diagnosed that I couldn't cope on my own anymore.  I don't really know how she has helped me but she has, everytime I see her I feel more positive afterwards.  I hope the same works for you.  Thinking of you.  Hope x

Thanks so much Hope,

Perhaps I should have done what you have and gone to a councilor sooner than I did.

I can't imagine how you have been able to cope losing both parents in such a short time to this damn disease.  I agree that all the emotions we have are normal and I have said much the same to others on this site.  Your mention of reaching some kind of acceptance makes perfect sense and maybe I haven't accepted anything, like you I don't really know.  All I do know is that, despite all the losses and watching Dad get worse before he finally died I still felt like myself until my Aunty died four months later.  When my cousin told me the news I felt something inside break or change or something and ever since I just feel like a different person and one I don't really like very much.

Anyway enough rambling from me.  Please take care of yourself and keep up the good work with your councilor.

Garf. x

Hi Garf..

I'm new to all this and have just been reading around people's discussions and came across yours, I just wanted to say I really hope your ok & your posts really touched me especially when you speak about your wife it's lovely!

Please take care

Candy xx

Hi Garf,

It sounds to me like when you lost your Dad you tried to carry on and it appeared to be working but the loss of your Aunt brought it all back plus the grief for her.  This is exactly how I felt, when I lost Dad (now 6 months ago), I actually thought I coped well, of course I was very upset and cried a lot but carried on pretty normal as I had to look after Mum who was heartbroken.  However, on my Mum's diagnosis 12 weeks later I fell apart, I don't know if it was shock, anger or double grief but I couldn't cope and had to immediately take 3 weeks off work.  Somehow I did struggle through those next 9 weeks until she died and I cared for her as well as going back to work, but like you a double hit is hard to take.  I too feel like a different person, for me crying and being down has been a way of life all of this year and has almost become my new normal which I hate.  I said to my counsellor that I hate feeling this way, life is precious and I want to enjoy it.  But if I'm honest enjoying myself would almost make me feel guilty to Mum and Dad and this is something that we probably all have to get past - just because we can carry on and smile again doesn't mean that we have forgotten our loved ones or that we love them any less.

All of us on here are struggling one way or another with this terrible disease, but hopefullly we can all support each other to gain enough strength to get through.  Please let me know how your counselling goes.  I think it probably depends on how you build a relationship with that person, so I hope it works for you.

Hope x