My bf survived stage IIIb TC. But that feels like ancient history compared to what is happening now. The check-ups continued and came back ok until he experienced some discomfort. He talked to his GP and tests were arranged. He became nervous and snappy and was prescribed anti-anxiety medication. The tests confirmed that the cancer was back. He withdrew emotionally and physically from me briefly. He didn't tell me any details and just let me know that the cancer was back and that he didn't want to put me through it because I deserved better. He didn't want me to hurt or suffer and that it wasn't easy for him to give me this 'out' because he loved me.
Well, I refused his offer of an 'out' which surprised him since he thought I would be smart enough to run away from what was looming on the horizon particularly since he was telling me to run and with his blessing!! He thought I would be sad for a few days, get over him and then go on and live my happy life (my guy can be pretty clueless sometimes but I knew he had bigger things on his mind). We didn't break up, he wanted me to think about it all a couple days with the knowledge that what was to come would be difficult and very different from what we had shared up until that point. I tried to reassure him that I was there for him and always would be. He seemed to have trouble believing that (past demons that had nothing to do with me).
Oddly enough we pulled together very closely for the next month. When we saw eachother (pretty much every day) he just wanted to hug and hear about my day and watch DVDs. It was good. If that is what he wanted then I was only too happy to do it. He still didn't want to talk about the cancer and he certainly wasn't going to tell me what was going on. He didn't want me to worry. I read and researched as much as I could about TC and how to try and support someone through it. I didn't push him to talk to me about it since it was pretty clear that he didn't want to (although I let him know that I was here and willing to talk whenever he wanted). When he did talk to me about it, it was to inform me of appointments such as his biopsy (which I think was for a lymph node - since he wont tell me particulars) and when chemo was starting, radiation starting etc. He didn't want me to accompany him to appointments or really do anything to physically help out. I tried not to take it personally since he had bigger things on his mind and he'd been through this before.
The treatment knocked him for six very quickly. He was exhausted and in pain. He withdrew from me emotionally and physically and seems to be moving even further away. I do give him his space. I don't ask to see him and I am ok with that. He needs to focus on him so that he can get everything done that he needs to get done. I trust that he knows what he's doing and that his doctors are doing their best. Basically, all I want is for him to kick cancer's *** a second time and he can and must do everything that he wants in order to get through this.
My problem lies in not knowing if I am doing the right thing or if I should be trying harder or more to do things for him. It's just that recently (last month or so) every time I have offered to cook, shop for groceries, accompany him to an appointment, do his laundry, clean etc. I am told 'no' or my offer is ignored so I try to limit my offers now to moments when he is in a good mood (I get a 'no' response at those times rather than complete silence). I read a tip that people have trouble asking for help and sometimes you should just do things...but I honestly don't feel that he would welcome my 'fussing' since I feel that he wants as much control over this horrible situation as possible. If I just do things for him I feel like I am undermining his control and I don't want that. I've certainly put my foot in my mouth a couple times with him but his moods can change so quickly that I sometimes don't know the right thing to say or if to say anything at all!
So...I'm hoping that someone will just let me know if this behaviour is normal or not and what more I can do to support him. I love him and there is no place I would rather be than by his side and if it means doing exactly what I'm doing right now then I'll keep doing it. My worries are that I don't know what is happening and I am uncertain how to deal with that. I also feel the distance between us and I worry. The last thing I want to do is make life more difficult for him so I am hoping that someone/anyone will let me know if I'm doing something terribly wrong! Maybe even a few tips of what may be running through his mind would help. I'm feeling a bit lost and I'm worried about him all the time but there doesn't seem to be anything I can do to help him.
