Hello Smilerjules.

I'm so sad for you - and your man. It's a rough deal.

I've been diagnosed with lung cancer and I'm waiting to find out if there is any spread, is surgery possible or what happens next.

The only way I can deal with it is at the level of the practical. I can't cope with too much emotional input there.

Maybe that is what is going on in your relationship. You want more emotional stuff but your partner finds it too painful and can only deal with the practicalities.

At the end of the day you are the one who has to be strong for both of you.

As for the people who have disappeared from your lives - I think it is because they don't know what to say or how to offer any kind of help.

Mabe you can help them to help you. It's a tough call all the way round - I know.

This reads quite hard and not the way I mean it. Something to do with the written word.

Every best wish to you and your man. Hope you can find the best way to cope for both of you. x

Hi

I really feel for you and I cannot tell you how much what you have written resonates with me. My husband has terminal cancer and the diagnosis came out of the blue.

Am new here but feel that longing for my man to come back to me. He has changed so much both physically and emotionally  - most of the time it is ok but I am beginning to resent being his carer....I want to be his wife. Not in a sexual sense but I need his affection, the hugs and cuddles, the chats. It is so hard watching the life draining out of him.

Thanking you for sharing this - I think it is brave of you to share such difficult feelings. Thinking of you and am here to listen. Take good care and know you are heard .

Hello Foolatthemill,

Thank you muchly for your reply.  All what you say is possibly quite true ... I believe I am not thinking straight 100% of the time due to the emotional roller coaster we are on, either that or drained..cared out... I just dont know anymore.  My whole working life has been to care for others, then to care for my lovely mum until she passed away 3 years ago with COPD....then to care for my best friend who had terminal cancer last year....presently caring for my brother whom is an alcoholic  and now my beautiful man, over the past 2 years...  

I just so badly needed to offload somewhere, I thought I was going to burst inside and took the risk of being judged.  I dont want to feel the resentment that I do, I have never felt it before...I just dont know how to get rid of it.  I really dont know if my resentment is due to my man not being the person he was anymore or wether it is the cancer or a mixture of both...I just feel it and I miss 'him' dreadfully.

My man and I talk and cry and talk some more but of course I hold back on alot of my thoughts for fear of upsetting him and my god, isnt he going through enough already without the burden of my emotional state.  It seems to have become an immense pressure to enjoy this'quality of life time' but the incurable prognosis just hangs there, every minute of every day like a big black cloud suffocating us with the clock ticking.  Most days feel surreal.   Hiding a tear stained face infront of the kids has become the norm and I resent that too...arrgghhhh!!!!  (that helped!)

Foolatthemill, I so admire your practicalness and the strength it gives you to cope with every day that passes and your words I will take with me , thank you for that. Not knowing the outcome always seems to be worse than knowing the worst outcome... strange that.

I hope your black cloud will turn  white & fluffy and float in a clear blue sky....... Best wishes to you..x

Hi Crossstitchgirl,

Your relating to me and I am so relating to you..what are we to do about it?

Now that I am out of my box and looking into yours I can see that it is the cancer that you resent, hate .....and I am so sorry that you are both going through it too... It has come into your life, how dare it.. It has taken hold of the man you love and rocked your world upside down.  You have no choice but to stand by and watch it ravage him slowly, feeling helpless to ease the pain and fear in his eyes....I find that the most difficult to cope with, seeing that in my man's eyes.

I think you are very brave too, along with so many others here ... The posts I read  just reduce me to a whimpering mess...so much suffering and bravery , it just all does not seem right.

I feel a huge empathy with you ,  thank you so much for speaking up with a reply and yes, they are very difficult feelings...not ones I have shared before but in a strange way, a comfort that I am not alone in this way.

My thoughts are with you and thank YOU for listening.. x

Hello Everyone

It makes me so sad reading about your experiences.  I've been a carer (two parents dying of cancer) and a sufferer of a serious cancer myself and life in these circumstances is hell for everyone.  The emotions are endless and change from hour to hour (let alone from day to day) and anger, distress, resentment are just a few of the feelings which take us over.  Seeing a loved one who was strong, healthy and full of life becoming a shadow of their former self can't be described.  Being the cancer sufferer is just as soul destroying - seeing your body waste away, your strength ebbing and the endless rounds of medical treatment and pain and the fear.

All we can do is try and support each other and gain some comfort from finding someone in the same boat.  Others can sometimes feel like outsiders who don't seem to understand the trauma of it all and what it's like living with a death sentence.  I usually manage to stay very positive but know when the time comes when there is nothing else to be done and then it's very hard to make the most of life.

You are all so brave and I know you're all doing the best you can under the most difficult circumstances.  This is a place where you won't be judged or criticised and we all wish you the strength to manage and carry on.

Love

Carrie 

Hi

Have been thinking about you today and just wondered how things are for you. My husband fell and broke his left upper arm last week and had to have an op to pin it which he was lucky to survive.

He is so down now and I feel so useless because nothing i say or do seems to help. I know it ios much more difficult for him as he is the one who is dying. slowly.

Hope you are managing. Regards helen

Smilerjules i am so aware of your feelings as i have these as well - what ever have any of us done to have to face this - its cruel and i am in disbelief that this has become our life- my husband has been so possitive so far - and i am not so strong but hes been ill this week and i hvae struggled seeing it all become so real- i try to shade my children from my fear and anager and sadness but its very hard- your feeling are so true and its good you can use this forum to share them - i hope that you and your man have some good close times - i think its hard not to grieve the losses - and to try and capture even minutes of good times is diffcult. when you can and focus on the moment it does help - but then reality comes back - i am thinking about you - feel free to contact us again as needed - take care Tracey x