Hi,

I am sorry to butt into your discussion but just wanted to wish you all well.

You all seem like tough cookies and am touched, truly.

I am currently waiting, I have my breast clinic appointment on 27th oct and really nervous, not eating or sleeping much to be honest but then I don't eat much anyway lol.

Really don't know what to expect with this appointment just that I will probably be having an ultrasound as I'm only 24.

The reason I went to the GP was because I have bloody nipple discharge and a rather deep dimple. I can't help but think the worst but do understand there are benign causes for this out there. Just glad my GP took me seriously.

Do you mind if I ask how you ladies felt at this stage? Am I insane or am I being normal?

Best wishes everyone

Kylie xxx

No Kylie,

You are not insane..... first let me say you are very sensible to see your doctors immediately.... you would be surprised how many think they are too young so don't bother.

I know this is a very scarey thing to try and come to terms with... and the waiting is the hardest bit.... If I had to discribe how I felt when I was waiting for appointments and tests then I think the only word I could come up with is....LOST... Very emotional and scared to death.... but I now know that all these feelings are perfectly normal.

If you are worried about what to expect, why not ring up your breast clinic and ask them.... they are normaly really good and have no problem explaining what you should expect.

When my doctor refered me to our local breast clinic, I was examined by a lady doctor, then I had to have a mammogram and an ultrasound scan..... I would suggest you take somebody with you... maybe your partner / Mum / friend just for a bit of moral support.... but I have to say that the breast care unit and all it's staff were brilliant and really did well to calm all my fears.

If you have any questions at all, please feel free to come here and ask, there is always somebody who has been in the situation you are in and able to offer help and advice.... we are all here for each other.

Take care honey... and try not to imagine the worst (easier said than done)

Love Caz xxx

Hi Ladies,

I just wanted to say i'm so sorry i wasn't able to come on and thank you for your replies, really meant alot. It's been an awful week and my computer is broken! I also was phoned by my GP who found out that something is wrong and that a team of doctors are having a meeting about me?

I hope you're all doing ok? Always thinking of you and wishong you well!

Luv Kylie xxx

hello lovely ladies and lovely Tony,

seems i have missed so much in the few days i have been away. Well, firstly you are all wonderful, and although i have my first chemo today - i am not too daunted by it thanks to your continued support and honesty in whats involved. i know there is no telling how I will react but I feel ready to face what comes my way.

once again reading through the thread and seeing how much i have missed, i come away feeling enlightened and humbled by your words.

Caz my heart goes out to you as I know once you hit that spiral it is hard to come out of. I felt disfigured just with a scar and then the thought of 5 weeks of radio followed by one weeks intensive has scared me for weeks, the thought of the breast shrinking and looking odd and so forth. However, on my pre chemo visit this week, I met two lovely ladies - and as you do when you go through this awful journey to recovery, i was looking to see who was wearing a wig- ie was it obvious to all, and who had breasts and who didn't. What suprised me was I had been talking to this woman for a good while before i noticed she had a breast removed but her wonderful smile and winning personality - and her loose cardi buttoned at the waist only, completely hid it.  I don't know that I would have had her confidence but since having this 'thing' i find myself looking at people differently and it made me realise, it is more important to us than to others. my other half cannot understand the paranoia about my hair for example. But  please take away the thought as the girls have said before, that it really is what's inside that counts. Every time i come here, i see small pictures of you all - i do not see imperfections, i see wonderful normal human beings with nothing but love warmth and understanding. Someone once said to me that you cannot understand unless you have been there yourself, and someone else said that the reward for that comes when you can hold out your hand and help someone else through it.  Allow yourself time to grieve - it is a part of you that you have lost, but then ask yourself, would it change the way you felt about your friend, mother sister? Sexuality, personality and attractiveness is determined by so many things, its not about physical looks, look at Simon Weston, he had no face, he couldn't hide his imperfections and found true love. I am sending you my love and extra hugs as i might not be on here for a couple of days, but i will be thinking of you and hoping you will find the strength to turn that corner.  Love to you all,

sara x

Nice one Sara

Rosexxx

Sara, Sara, Sara,

What beautiful words and so right about the likes of Simon Weston...I was thinking of a similar thing when I got to that bit....isn't it funny that we call them imperfections too...we all have to have exactly the same but that is not how it works...people in the world are coming to terms with differences all the time. It wasn't that long ago that people with mental and physical disabilities were locked away from the public's gaze or shown in freak shows. Also mixed race or same sex couples would be stared at because people did not approve or found it odd...there will always be the person who is the exception and will have prejudice for whatever reason..anyways what I am trying to say is that people are far more understanding and unphased than we realise. I think like you were saying curiousity is what it is in the main...I went for my first chemo in my next battle and did exactly what you said...i.e. looked around for the wigs, why I don't know just curious was all it was I expect...There was a lady and her friend behind me sniggering away and I had to tell them to behave and not have so much fun having chemo...like I said on my thread it was good to see and got an extra giggle from the ladies :-)

If you have a look at the picture you can just see them huddled over sniggering....

[[]]

Anyways sorry for the ramble as the Irinotecan (evil irene) is making me a bit woozy so had better stop typing... :-)

Much Love to all you lovely ladeeees.

Tony xxxx

hi sara its lovely your are giving so much strength to people out there,i dropped down to see my sister today she so upset as she has been told,her cancer is not curable now,and she had been doing so well for 18months now, and her most recent scan had revealed the cancer had spread to her lungs and liver,i had been wondering if my visits were doing her much good,but then i had a lovely message from dizzie which made me realise what my visits were doing for her,its taken me a week to convince her to fight and take the course of chemo they offering to her,which she did and is feeling so ill today,i just want to wish everybody good wishes,and best wishes to you sara,,,,,,,,,

Hi Irishman,

Sorry to hear about your sister.My cancer returned in lymph glands in neck and chest and is also non cureable but I have been on oral chemo for 2 years and ongoing so let your sister know that there are so many different treatments now so dont give up hope.

She must be so glad to have you.

Good luck to you both.

Rose xxx

hi rose, colly, lee, patrica n all you lovely ladies

sorry its been so long, took 4weeks for them to sort the phone out n still having problems with internet. had a lovely holiday but never going away again with a 2yr old! yes charly was a ntmare for about 5 days so didnt come home all relaxed n refreshed. to be truthfull ive not been that great but will tell you about that another time.

hope you had a lovely birthday lee n congrats for finishing chemo. you too colly, congratulation. i wish you both well. n rose ive missed you, hope you are well. patrica i was sorry to read about your son. hope you n he are feeling better now n we can go back to our chats.

sara good luck with your chemo, be thinking of you throughout. n caz im so sorry you have been so down. i can only imagine how you feel but hopefully we can all help to pick you back up. hows the infection now? i hope its less painful now. kylie im sorry you have joined our gang of troopers, but we'll help you through as much as we can.

im gonna get off cos mum n dad are here to help me with charly, hes not very well n found out today hes asthmatic. its also my wedding anniversary, 3 years. couldnt of married a nicer man!

lots of love, be back on soon n probably winge a lot!

leonie xxxxxxxxx

Hi Leonie, so glad to see your back at last. Sorry your hol wasnt as relaxing as you hoped it would be, it is hard work being away with a 2yr old. Im keeping fine, got a few aches in my neck but breast doc seems to think its just caused by the chemo, my nails are a mes and brittle, breaking all the time, my eyelashes at the bottom taking their time to grow back, so have watery eyes when i go out in the cold, my hair is starting to grow back in slowly but surely, how long did it take your hair and what length is it now? I start radio on 25/11 for 6 weeks so it will finish 7/1, then hopefully a wee holiday away in the sun. Congratulations on your wedding anniversary. Take care all you girlies and tony too love col x

Nice Pic Tony, very photogenic x

Winge away lovely girl,its what we are here for.You need a holiday to get over your holiday !!I have always found holidays lovely but very tiring,all that packing and washing.

Hope the weather with you isnt as cold and windy as here.Have a lovely anniversary with your smashing man,the third of many.

Lovely to have you back

Rose xxx

Winge away lovely girl,its what we are here for.You need a holiday to get over your holiday !!I have always found holidays lovely but very tiring,all that packing and washing.

Hope the weather with you isnt as cold and windy as here.Have a lovely anniversary with your smashing man,the third of many.

Lovely to have you back

Rose xxx

Thank you for your lovely messages everybody.... I am sorry I am so miserable at the moment, I just can't seem to get my head round my new body image.

But no doubt I will get there in time.....Me and Dave had a good talk last night and I tried to explain how i am feeling and why i am so upset about everything, but he told me that it is me being sef concious and nobody is staring......... In my head I know what he is saying is true..... but my heart is breaking at the loss of the person I used to be..... So he just help me and told me that he loved me and everything will be ok in the end.

Lee... I hope you had a good birthday honey, I didn't see anything in the paper about a drunk woman hitting police with her boob, so I think it must have been a good night.

Lonie... I'm sorry that your holiday wasn't as good as you hoped... congratulations on your Wedding Anniversary..... it's my 3rd anniversary on the 30th of this month too.

Take care everybody

Love Caz xxx

Hi Caz,

I have put an update on your blog and urge you to give Fran a shout. Also try those positive affirmations, stand in front of a mirror staring at yourself squarely in the eyes and say 'I LOVE AND ACCEPT MY BODY' 10 times and do that several times a day...you may think it a load of ******** at first but like I said on your blog you will start to say it with grit and determination and eventually, I am hoping, with a big smile on your face, believe me when I say they work...at times it makes me cry (as big as I am), but I can sometimes see a glimmer in there.

Fran is expecting your call

Much Love

Tony xxx

Hi caz how are you doing? Not much to report from my end, went out yest wearing my wig which makes me itchy and when I have a hot flush I feel as though I'm about to combust lol, oh and if my bottom lashes would just hurry up and grow back in that would be good too. I start radio on 26th and vie not to have perception just tamoxifen which ive to start when radio starts, so that prob won't help hot flushes. I wanted to ask you about something you said on your blog about a grant from Macmillan, can anyone get that cause I didn't think I would be entitled to it but I'm sure there are things I don't even know about. My salary is now finished and I go on to employment support allowance but I've got savings and a daughter over 18 living at home who is over 18 so I know I can't get council tax rebate, do you know much about this subject? Hope your feeling more up beat. Col x

Hi all my lovely friends,

Caz honey, don't be so hard on yourself. Although i tried hard to be positive, this forum was the only place i found i was understood and so i didn't need to express myself - if that makes sense. However, since the diangosis late in July and up until about ten days ago, inside i was a wreck. Everything bothered me and I found hiding in the bathroom in tears was the only way i got through. I too tried to express myself and found that I wasn't very good at it, and still felt no one understood - especially when they meant well but kept telling me how i looked and felt about myself didn't matter. It does teach you something though. It teaches you that no matter how un vain you think you are, you still want to fit in to what are supposedly 'normal parameters'. The truth is, we never will. I mean who is more attractive - Cheryl Cole  or Charlotte Church? Not only is it a matter of opinion, but what do we actually see when we look at them? A load of slapped on make up. So okay Cheryl and Charlotte, you're makeup looks good.

Stand a hundred people in a line - all naked and see how they look, then airbrush them all and see the difference. I can't see a mans chest or hairy legs when he walks down the street, so why should he know i have a jagged scar on my already sagging bust? At home, when you address, Tony is so right. Tell yourself you are beautiful because you are. No matter how 'ugly' you might feel, i can feel so much beauty from you when you write on here, and it is one of the many reasons we all feel so much for you. Inner beauty always shines through somewhere physical whether in the eyes or the sort of aura that can't be explained. And in your picture you have up, I see a happy shining warm and affectionate person. I didn't see the boobs the feet or even the knees.

When you undress at night, my advice would be to find the sexiest things you have and have them ready to wear. Yes it may mean altering the cups of some items, but honestly sweetheart, making the effort will amke you feel better and show your other half that your needs desires and feelings for him haven't changed (even if you do feel knackered at times). My other half urged me to try it and I won't say what happened but lets say after the isolation and insecurities i felt, they drifted away.

i am 8 days in to the first cycle of chemo - FEC - and although my wig will be here next week sometime, I wondered if anyone could tell me if they remember on what day they lost their hair. I was told two weeks in, and the scalp is a little sensitive, and itches a little. I am expecting to hit rock bottom when it falls out and so have prepared myself and those around me for a few days of bad moods and tears. I shouldn't really complain though as I have had very few effects aside from very mild nauseau and a little bit of tiredness. I hope this continues - especailly as i have been told it will be 6 cycles of FEC now.

love sara

Hi Sara everything you've said to caz is so true and hopefully she will put it all into practice. As for hair loss, I held onto mine till about half way into the 3rd cycle, even then it didn't all fall out, I lost a couple of eye lashes at top and nearly all of bottom lashes into 5th cycle and all other hair about 3rd cycle, I kept most of my eye brows, so it's really diff for everyone. My hair is coming back in now and I finished 6th cycle of chemo on 6th oct. Hope this helps. Oh and my nails are a bit of a mess they are very brittle and all white, so be prepared for that, it didn't happen till last chemo xx

hi sara

i think we have said before i think our paths are very similair we were i think diagnosed same week 3oth july x

i have had x3 fec chemo i started to lose my hair day 14 it was freaky but in scheme things it will be back !!

you give great thoughts and advice i know u will cope it is emotional but go with  it then embrace the savin on shampoo cuts colur time dryin striaghtnening products !i know iam bein crass but have bit of cry and then move on it is weird but its ok .scarfs wigs bandanas people r greatxxxx hope u chemo goes well we can all do this xxx

lots love hugs nina xx

Hi Ladies,

i just wanted to tell you (cos my old man doesn't think it important lol) that i was getting stressed about losing the hair as i didn't have a wig and the hospital said it would take at least another week and then I'd have to try it on and stuff. My aunt (bless her) said she'd lend me the money til the end of the month to get one. so off i went and tried on loads and loads, and found a great wig, but not the right colour. I was quite upset and thought I'd have to wait til the end of the month and go up town or something. Anyway, the lady at the hospital told me what wigs i could have and i went to the website and found the exact one i had tried on and loved. Although it will take another week to come, i gave the lady a range of almost dark brown to mid brown with red tints (i have always changed the colour) and now she reckons it will be here by about wednesday. I just thought it was so funny that with all the emotion you feel when you know you will lose at least some of your hair, that getting a wig is exciting. It made me laugh when i thought about it.

I'm also looking for some advice, where does a balding middle aged toothless old woman go to get warts on her nose? I know Halloween has gone by, but oh boy, think of the looks when i go shopping in a black cape with the witches hat in hand. Tony - not meaning to sound sexist - but how does one make a broom?

Nina, please tell me how you are finding your chemo. I haven't had any major problems- so far. And who else here knows the Mount Vernon Chemo suite?

ok, off to clean my mobile tooth, love to all xxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi Sara,

Dont know how to make a broom as I usually just buy one :-) As for MV I know the area well as used to live in Rickmansworth a while a go, know loads of people still around that area....I would love to bump into some of you guys and the amazing thing is we may even walk past each other in the hospitals...I am going to a well know east midlands cancer hospital.

Anyways up all last night with a chemo side effect so I need to get to sleep!

Night Night all and remember....just be careful out there!

Much Love

T xxx

Hi everyone

sorry its been so long but ive been in hospital for the last week with a very bad chest infection, had a wonderful birthday so thankyou to everyone for their good wishes but I guess I paid the price, lots of people about with colds and virus's and pubs were so busy, anyway  Im back now and have been busy trying to catch up with everyone, Caz im reaching out to you with all the warmth and strength I can muster, Sara my hair came out around the 3rd session eyelashes are still there but very very short, Tony I do hope you feel better soon and I just thort Id leave you all with this poem that I keep by my bed, It helps me when I feel like giving up and I hope it can help you too xx

When things go wrong

As they sometimes will,

When the road you're trudging

Seems all uphill,

When the funds are low,

And the debts are high,

And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,

When care is pressing you down a bit-

Rest if you must, but dont you quit.

Success is failure turned inside out -

The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,

And you never can tell how close you are,

It may be near when it seems afar,

So stick to the fight

When your hardest hit.......

Its when things seem worst

                        That you must not quit !     

Hi Lee,

Sorry you had to go to hospital,I,m glad you are recovering.

that is a very apt poem,although it is hard to be positive all the time we must try.You always know how to lift spirits.

Keep getting better.

Rose xxx