Hi to each and everyone of you don't you think that we are all quite amazing to be able to even be able to come on here and tell our stories I feel like I'v made so many new friends.

Anyway Leonie I'm so glad that you've managed to get some funding for nursery at least you know that Charley will be having a nice time whilst you gain some energy back. You really are having a rough time of it but how nie that you could get to the beach, I take it you live nearby to one. That must be lovely. As for having a looney doctor me too!! Just nice to be able to speak to someone who doesn't judge and you can say what you want about anything!!!!

Don't know bout you lot but I have all different feelings creep up on me when I least expect them. People who are close to you want to see you positive all the time and tell you how well you look and now i'v lost my hair how much it suits me but no matter what personally I just don't feel remotely like the same person. People say losing hair and putting weight on are least of worries but it does alter how I feel about myself and has affected my confidence.

Anyway each and everyone of you if I don't mention you by name doesn't mean I'm not acknowleding your messages but I do think about you all.We are all at different stages and will hopefully stick together through thick and thin.

Take care and hope you are all ok

love Lou

Well said Lou,

There are so many of us on this site now .Good luck and bless you all and the lovely people who care for us.

Rose xxx

Hi guys glad to see you are all coping so well, Lonie have missed you hope you are ok.... Colly I have gone for the chop, I decided with such masses of long b blonde hair coming out almost every day I was sick and tired of it, so off it came! and boy does it feel better my husband calls me his little GI Lee although the blonde version he he ,I am actually quite pleased with the look and boy does shower time go quick, actually first day I put a handful of shampoo on my hand and then stopped in my tracks and just burst out laughing at myself and ended up washing my entire body with that handful of shampoo lol. Anyway got chemo again tomorrow so will be 2 down and 4 to go.

take good care of yourselves

lots of love Lee xx

Wow Lee do you mean you've completely shaved off all your hair? I still have quite a bit of hair but it is very thin and you can see my scalp, dont think it will be much longer till its all out. Had my wig on around the house today and John came in for lunch, he says aw Ive got my sexy girlfriend back lol tho he does say im gorgeous even with the little bit of straggly hair i have left lol.Just got to get a bit of courage to wear it outside now, have you worn yours out lee? Im going for my 3rd chemo wednesday but Ive to have 8 sessions 4 of the FEC and 4 of the T or D as some call it, so you'll prob be ahead of me. Hope your well and hope everyone on here is well too. Love Col x

Amazing ladies!

T xx

Hi there Colly, Yes Its all gone!

I understand your reluctance to get rid of the hair but I feel so much better now, and I'm quite excited about all the new styles I can try out when it starts growing again, I shall try and get a picture uploaded so you can see over the next few days, I have worn the wig out and its very close to my old style but in the house I just wear my scarves and bandanas, I was really worried about people staring at me with the wig on but there are so many girls wandering around with hair pieces and extensions, that its really no big deal.

You will know when the time is right for you xxx

your doing amazing as you are

lots of love lee xx

Well done you, I really dunno what to do, I keep thinking I should just shave it off then friends and family say no theres too much hair left at the mo, so I'll prob leave it another bit yet. We are going to go outwith our town to let me get used to wearing the wig where no one knows me, weird i know but what if it blows off? The style of wig I have is very similar to what I had tho it is a few shades darker blond than what i had, i rally do need to get over this hurdle but as you said lee I'll know when im ready. Thanks babe xx

well today I had my 2nd chemo 1 3rd of the way through!! I'm now sat at home after a very very long day at the hospital, staff shortages and all that stuff,,,, anyway I'm sat here with a tube coming out of my arm into a little plastic box containing a syringe full of anti sickness medicine, so now I'm hoping that this time I wont be so ill, got to have this for the next 48 hours and then the nurse takes it out and I try the tablets.

Don't worry about the wig blowing off as there is wig tape that secures it firmly and remember this is about you and how you feel not your family and friends, do what is right for you.

take care lots of love Lee xx

hi girls

thanks for your support. im doing ok. are you meant to feel anything? my arm hurts more but sure its cos you have your arms up. other than that im expecting sore skin in about a week n any tiredness i'll probably put down to chemo anyway. body is struggling on but things are getting a bit easier n less painfull. i saw a lady i'd met before n she has the muscle pain n we were so glad because the other understood. its so hard to explain n i hadnt spoken to anyone else that has had the same problem. well 2 down n 21 to go.

we did a carboot today. mum took me for rads n jon set up with the kids. my brother was on another stall with his girls n my mums stuff but they didnt do well at all. the boys got about 50 quid (holiday spends) n we made about 90 quid (towards passports). so werent too bad for our first. bloody knackered now though!

so nice to see you colly n goodluck for tomorrow. hope you continue to feel well n had a lovely weekend with john after his holiday. n lee im so pleased you dont mind your new hair/head. good on you. still dont like mine though have got a little now. its like bum fluff mind! its lovely to hear you more up beat.

no baby news then rose. still time to be early though. are you still feeling better with thyroid med? sending you lots of love. you too patrica. are you having a nice rest?

little sis i dont know what chemo i had. its just one of many things ive forgot over the months. all i know is it can make you feel awfull but some only feel like that for a few days. unfortunately i felt like it all the time n walking was very difficult. most ladies swear by hot water bottle for sore bones. hope you have already started to feel better n good luck for the rest of your chemo. that end will come. ask anything you like n i'll try not to take too long to answer.

summer hols are going well so far. not too much argueing going on but the weather could be better. need to entertain the kids cost free this year which could be a challenge. probably will go to every different beach n just mark them off on the map. some gorgeous ones down here(cornwall). anyway i best go this has took hour n half. i cant remember what i want to write n then when i do i cant seem to get it out. so annoying!

love to you all leonie xxxxxxxxx

Hi girls

Lee I went for my bloods today and yeehaa it is only 6 sessions of chemo ive to have so thats good news, i'll be finished 6 weeks earlier than I thought. Sorry to hear your feeling sick, I also feel yucky for first 4 days but not actually sick. Leonie lucky you living down cornwall way it is lovely down there. Hope everyone is well. love Col x

Hi Girls,

Glad to hear that we are all feeling more upbeat and happier since I was last on here, my word the time seems to be flying past now for me. Have only just over one week left on my present sick/fit note, will have to go and see doctor to get another one me thinks. Not at all ready to return to work.

Leonie, the radiotherapy doesn't hurt at all whilst you are having it. The tables aren't that comfortable and the awkward positition that you may have to put your arm in could be the reason for your pain. My skin is really sore at the moment, it's like really really bad sunburn. They do warn you at the end of your treatment that it continues to work for a couple of weeks and symptoms could get worse. Some people are fine and don't react and others it affects. Sods law it would be me!! Lovely nurse at the hospice sorted out some gel for me which I hope will help. Have been taking painkillers for last few days, ibuprofen and paracetamol, which is helping also. Other than that it's 'burn your bra and let it all hang free'!!!!!!!!!!!! Well the hair is growing and as anticipated it a lovely shade of grey. Have been trying to match it up to the Dulux chart to find a more exciting name rather than just grey, Which has not been easy as it's only about 1 or 2 mm long. How does Lavender Grey or Regency Grey sound. We are meant to to having a lady coming to the hospice soon to talk about hair products that we can and can't use on our new delicate hair, it should be very interesting.

I'm still feeling tired, need to find some motivation. Do have good days and days where I can't be bothered. I do have a long list of jobs that need to be done but just can't seem to find the inspiration to tackle them.

Col, Fantastic news!!! The end of that tunnel has just been brought that bit nearer. Lee is right , you do what you feel most comfortable with. In all this it is the only thing we have control over!

GI Lee, You sound so positive at the moment, it's great. So glad they are trying to get the sickness under control, haven't come across that method that you are using but hey if it works don't knock it!

Rose, sorry to hear that you were having problems and had to take a break from treatment. Any news on that baby?

Littlesis, Jump in anytime. Sorry I can't help you as I only had FEC. Seven weeks to go and counting, have you got your flags ready. Do you have to have any other treatment after?

Well feel at bit of motivation coming on so better grab it with both hands whilst I feel like it. Not that exciting just need to go and do some shopping.

Take care

Patricia x

Hi Patricia glad youve got a bit of motivation, not be long till your back to normal, dont rush back to work as you dont get any thanks for it, take your time and relax. Had my 3rd chemo today and feel crap, body tired but brain alert so cant sleep tho hopefully when i go to bed tonight i will sleep then. Felt very positive today when i went for chemo as this is the last FEC and i was told by my breast nurses it was the E that made hair/eye brows/lashes etc fall out, and that by 4th chemo the T that hair starts growing back. Anyway chemo nurse said today thats incorrect T does make hair fall out, great I thought, Im feeling low today I really find it hatd to cope with this hairloss and thought i was getting away with thinning only. Ive been doing so well and im very positive but today was a bit of a bummer. Hopefully by next week i'll be back to normal and stop moaning lol. Take care. Col x

Hi Patricia glad youve got a bit of motivation, not be long till your back to normal, dont rush back to work as you dont get any thanks for it, take your time and relax. Had my 3rd chemo today and feel crap, body tired but brain alert so cant sleep tho hopefully when i go to bed tonight i will sleep then. Felt very positive today when i went for chemo as this is the last FEC and i was told by my breast nurses it was the E that made hair/eye brows/lashes etc fall out, and that by 4th chemo the T that hair starts growing back. Anyway chemo nurse said today thats incorrect T does make hair fall out, great I thought, Im feeling low today I really find it hatd to cope with this hairloss and thought i was getting away with thinning only. Ive been doing so well and im very positive but today was a bit of a bummer. Hopefully by next week i'll be back to normal and stop moaning lol. Take care. Col x

Hi Colly,

Sorry you are feeling down.Chemo really does take its toll,it is a poison after all.Just go with the flow and take this time to snuggle up on the settee with a box of chocs .You are allowed to leave the housework and spoil yourself.

your photo is smashing,with or without hair you will still look fab.I always wanted straight hair as mine was wavy but it grew back straight and i want curls now !!!

Have a look on the Jokes ,they always make me giggle.

Take care of yourself.It will get better,honest.

Love to everyone else as well:love:

Rose xxxx

Hey there Colly

I'm so sorry your feeling low, but remember how you found out that you only now have 3 more sessions to go, thats a huge realisation and so positive, your hair as I've said will be a choice that you must make, I¿m still glad I took the plunge but I do have days where I feel ugly and un feminine but wig on and make-up done Im back to being me, so far no signs of eyelashes or eyebrows going but of course its still early days. This time there is no sickness with this new medication but I am so very tired and a little ratty!! but now I'm just on count down and this will not last forever. Patricia I'm so glad to hear from you and yes no rush for work, I bet your excited about your hair growing back and have you any ideas of what style you want to sport.

Well girls I'm getting a bit sleepy but love keeping intouch.

Take good care of yourselves

Lots of love Lee xx

Hi Lee,

So glad your feeling better, if you can call it that. I felt the nausea was one of the worst side effects for me. I could cope with being tired and aches and pains but the feeling sick all the time was the pits.

Yes, I am quite excited by the sight of hair desparately sprouting forth from my head, even if it is now quite the colour I'm used to. I have had short hair for years (not quite this short ) as my job is a cook/chef in a factory restaurant and it is so much easier and cooler for me. Only thing is now I keep looking in the mirror and convincing myself it's longer that when I looked 10 minutes ago. :D

I'm in no rush to return to work, my chest needs to be clear of the radiation burns and also I need to be a bit fitter as my job is very physical, even when I do return it will have to be gradual. I just don't feel I am ready to return yet, hope my GP sees it that way too.

Patricia x

Hi girls thanks for your lovely words, I do feel crap today and yest and prob will tomorrow then I'll be back to normal sun/mon as it's the same pattertn after chemo, I feel sick until I've finished taking the tablets. I also had a weird sensation wed nte after chemo of pins and needles in both my wrists, has anyone else encountered this? also last month my period came on time, not due until 16/8 but it came yest day after chemo, just to put the tin lid on things lol. I sent john out tonight with his mates for a drink as I feel as tho im being a right misery, he put up a bit of a fight but i said i wanted to watch the big bro eviction, think that was enough to make him go lol. Patricia dont you dare hurry back to work, I'm sure your doc will be very understanding, theres no point in rushing into anything especially ajob where your on your feet all day, Im a boring civil servant sitting at a desk all day and I'll definetly not be rushing back to work. Hopefully all going well my chemo will end 6/10 then a few weeks off then radio for a month, then a nice holiday then maybe back to work part time to see how it goes, as long as ive enough to pay my dd's then im happy. Lee hope your sicky feeling is gone, its horrid isnt it. Take care4 girls and have a good weekend. Love Col xx

hi girls

had 1st week of radio n not been feeling too good. had a bad day yesterday n cried most of the night. so annoyed n fustrated cos i didnt think it would make much difference to how i feel. feels like ive gone back a few weeks. been really tired gum is flaring up feeling quite weak n my arm has been killing. its so lonely being ill dont you think? i went on face book to look up some old friends n dont think that helped. everyone looks so nice n healthy n i wonder where my life has gone.

i went through years of depression after leaving boys dad. lived in germany for 5 unhappy years with him n lost touch with nearly all my friends. when i came back i was 6 n half stone n a mess. stuggled for years to get my life back to normal but had no confidence n it was a long process. then when i met jon i had so much fun n felt so happy life was really good. i had met the love of my life. we had bits that werent great like some lad crashing into us whilst i was 5 n half months pregnant n then finding out he wasnt insured. had black eyes for about 2 months which isnt a good look n didnt like going out(older people crossing the road to avoid me etc). then had my little charly n again suffered depression. we all loved charly so much n it really bonded us into a proper family n boys didnt see the 'step' side anymore. they just wished jon was their real dad(which he turned out to be). then when charly was getting to an age where i could consider going to work cancer hit us right in the face.

i know life isnt fair n when i heard the news i just thought its just my luck. it was like i knew something would happen to me, n in some way like i deserved it. i know thats not true, nobody deserves cancer but i was so calm about it all. just so glad it was me n not my kids husband n my lovely family. i knew i would cope with being ill n dont think i would if it was one of them n i stand by that still today. i was more worried about my family n how they would cope. being a carer is probably the hardest job of all when its a loved one. my poor mum lost her mum when she was 10 to breast cancer n then her daughter gets it, its been so hard for my parents. n jon of course having to look after me the love of his life, the boys n a little one with no experience. its only sometimes when i think about myself i realise how unfair it is. theres been so many mountains to get over, this being the highist one of all. n right now im sick of it.

i want to look nice again, i want to be healthy enough to look after my family again n i want my relationship(intimacy n all) back to how it was before my husband turned into my carer. im so fed up of having no money each week, no nice times or special moments n our days being taken up with hospital apps n how im feeling. theres one thing cancer teaches you, life is for living n thats what i want to do n be like. i just want to be normal again. im sorry im writing this but you cant always be strong n positive.

dont get me wrong i dont feel like this very often n have still had happy times n laughed my head off. its not all been bad. but those horrible side affects have taken there toll on me. i still feel sick, still have that disgusting taste, still have sores up my nose(no where near as bad) still painfull to walk, still cant drive etc......but i do know the end is in sight. just feels like a long way off today. we all have our different stories, n heres a bit of mine.

feel better now i have got a few things off my chest. i hope i havent upset anyone, times are hard enough. thinking of you all n wishing you all well.

love leonie xxxxxxx

No Leonie,you havent upset anyone but we are all upset for you.I had hoped that the radio would not be too bad for you,you have already had more than your fair share of side effects as it is.You havent had a mountain to climb,you have had a whole mountain range !!

You will look healthy again sweetheart and look back and think "How did I ever get through that "But you will.

My daughter,now 27,was looking through photos of when she was younger and we went to Spain,she could not remember it, when we went to Center Parks,only a little recollection and other holidays and days out which she could barely remember .But she said she could always remember how she used to love it when we went to the school field and had a picnic and we would run around and play ball. !!out of it all she remembers the free simple pleasures.So dont worry too much about your children,they will enjoy anything as long as you are all there.We worry far more about these things than they do.

The end of your treatment is still in the distance but you will be there one day ,then it will be loads of healthy food and fresh air and looking forward to being the family you want to be.It WILL come Leonie,honest.That horrible waiting again !!

I hope you will soon feel more positive.We are all thinking of you and wishing you well

Love Rose xxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi Leonie it is very lonely going throught this even when your partner is there by your side, we all have off days where we feel so low and nothing anyone says or does helps the way we are feeling and reading what youve just written I think you have been through more than most, you have had a tough time and with a young family to look after, I only have myself to drag out of bed in the mornings as my girls are adults so I dont need to use up energy running after them and John is brill so no need to look after him, he's more than capable. I know what you mean about getting your life back, I'd love to get dressed up and say lets go out for dinner and a few drinks and a wee dance, but I just dont have the energy and I think that will take a while to come back and the poor boys have to put up with us lol, the intimacy is something that will be fine im sure you guys are strong enough to cope with that, it isnt for ever, if your Jon is like my John he'll be patient and wait until your ready. Just remember babe this is just bad luck, nothing you've done wrong, these things are sent to make us stronger people. Put your feet up and chill out and try and relax. If you want to email me and I dont know if this will come up but i'll try and put it a way you will understand if you get my drift? if not just post on here. colettejameson at the hotstuff co uk does that make sense lol. Speak soon Col x

Hey Leonie,

We are all here for the good and the bad times - I used to (still do) come on here when I don't want to upset my wife and 15 year old with my deepest darkest fears and there is always several people that know exactly how I feel and give me the necessary kick up the backside or cyber hug that I need.

My wife was my carer and sometimes it felt bad that she looked after me when I should be looking after her (I am not being sexist just she is my rock and always want to look after and protect her) - we remembered our wedding vows, richer or poorer, through sickness and in health. Whilst I am all better for now, I will never forget the last 8 months and see them as both the worst and best 8 months of my life....I have spent 2 months in hospital in the last 8 months and Fran visited me every day and learnt how to change dressings and drips when I came out.

Life is tough at times, I love the saying 'if life gives us lemons then make lemonade' - we adapted quite a bit and whilst I had a few tantrums and arguments we got through it...I am now making myself better than I was before, stronger, faster and healthier (for all those under 45 you may remember that quote from the 6 million dollar man ) If and when this cancer returns I will be in a peak physical shape in order to fight it again!

You are beautiful and look nice, maybe you look different, but you still have your spirit burning away inside you....have those bad and dark moments they are all part of the journey we are all having, as long as you come on here like you just did, write about them and feel better.

We are here as one big group of smiling faces so I will not just give you one of my hugs but urge everyone to join arms and give you a great big group hug <<<>>>.

Much Love

Tony xx

hi n thank you for the encouragement

feeling better today. had a day in the garden with sunshine n family visits. priceless! arm is feeling better too. thought i'd write a quick post n have a glass of wine in the garden til the sun dissappears.

luckily it was only a few days down n now i feel ready for the next week. got my meds on thursday aswell. got some family down from leicester so planning to spend a bit of time with them. cousins that i havent seen for years. wish i looked better but they all know im ill n think thats why they are coming. its cheering me up n sure thats the idea.

im not feeling negative, just not looking forward to more treatment n meds. february seems so far away. i know you all understand, n care, thats the most wonderfull part of our community. we are able to understand.

thanks again you gorgeous ones, im off to have that wine n sunshine! cheers!

lots of love leonie xxxxxxxxxx

Hi Leonie,

Sorry to hear that you have been feeling down, it really does all get a bit much sometimes doesn't it. Have been back to my pamper days at the hospice so that has cheered me up a bit. They really do listen to you there. They sorted out some gel for my radiation burns, which isn't sore anymore but peeling like mad now.

Went to the GP Tuesday to get another sicknote certificate, was sure I was going to have to perhaps convince her that I wasn't ready to return to work, so was gobsmack when she gave me one for 3 months, am one happy bunny at the moment.

How's your radiotheraphy going?

Patricia x