Hi Lonie,

I had breast cancer 3 years ago and had 6months of chemo,mastectomy,3more months of chemo and 5 weeks radio

so I know what you are going through.All the things you feel are perfectly O.K.It is a lot to handle and you have a busy time with your children to cope with as well.It is the uncertainty that I found hard to deal with and the change of lifestyle.I tried to resist the change but once I accepted that I could watch daytime T.V on bad days without feeling guilty and hoover less often I felt calmer.Try to do what you must and accept help,People really like to feel wanted and like to help.Don.t be hard on yourself.The tiredness and lack of sleep makes things seem worse but it will pass and you will get stronger .Keep chatting on here and try to spend half an hour on yourself ,going for a walk or gardening or just having a chat to a neighbour .You will get there !!! love R xxxx

thank you for your reply. am feeling less peed off today thank god. was sorry to hear what youve been through but glad it was 3 years ago, means its worked for you i hope anyway. yeah uncertainty isnt a nice feeling n you cant be possitive constant. its always in your mind 'what if it dont work' but even though its tough chemo is worth the try. im just glad its me n not 1 of my kids or hub or close family not because im brave but because i know i can cope with it being me n wouldnt if it was 1 of them. dont envy my hub poor sod. we only been married 2 n half years n have 2 year old n 2 teens from previous, its a lot for him to cope with. he does brilliantly but hes not the best house wife! still learning. you know its made me feel so much better having 2 replies n being able to talk about it. thanks for your kindness. lonie xx

Hi Lonie,

Hope your feeling slightly better to day.

I'm 52, oh alright 53 next month, was married, got divorced 19 years ago and brought up three boys on my own and I thought THAT was hard, it pails into comparison to this. The eldest was 30 last month, the middle one is 26 and the youngest who moved back home 17 months ago is 24. Their age doesn't matter being a mum, you still worry about them and they still look to me for support. The youngest broke his elbow a three weeks ago, this is the one who is supposed to be looking after me, right pair we made... :D.

I started my chemo on 23rd February, just had no.5 of 6 FEC, so am now counting days instead of weeks. Last one, touch wood, should be 8th June, only down side to that it's just 4 days before my birthday. I have told eveyone that I am postponing it this year until I feel better!

After chemo have to have 3 weeks radiotherapy, more days to count!

Sorry to hear that you are finding it difficult. To be honest, after reading a lot of letters on this website and others, your not on your own. We as mothers I think find it more difficult, I'm not saying others don't also, but it's in the contact, down in the small print, 'when you become a mother your not allowed to be ill'. That's how I felt at least.

I also was struggling with my emotions, very badly to be honest, did ask myself why I was putting myself through this torture. Was prescribed anti-depressants by GP which didn't take as the Oncologist decided to knock off the steroids on 4th chemo and have to say felt so much better last three weeks, haven't got upset or cried once!! Lost my temper a little but that's another story and perhaps more like me, that would have left me infloods of tears whilst on steroids. I found I was at my worst on the days after stopping the steroids. I find the worst thing now is boredom, am normally an active person, just can't focus or concentrate on anything for too long. Seem to be fliting from one thing to another like a butterfly, only not as pretty

SO are your teens boys or girls? How are they coping? My youngest seem to have difficulty at the beginning of chemo coming to terms with it, he seemed fine whilst I was having my ops and recovering but became withdrawn the first few weeks of my chemo and wouldn't talk to me, prefering to lock himself into his room, he's okay now but worrying at the time.

Sorry your having problems with your mouth, have you had the mouthwashes etc. fortunately I've been alright in that department, had one small spot on my gum but nothing else.

Hope to feel up to getting out this weekend, what with the weather being forecast to be good. Don't want to miss that Dare I mention BBQ.............quietly.

Patricia xx

hi patricia

i feel for you n your youngest. but how selfish to break an arm now! ha. my mum caught a really horrible head cold n felt so guilty for being ill while i'd got chemo. couldnt risk her looking after little 1 for 2 weeks.

i like you have 3 boys n brought my oldest 2 up on my own. he was a beast n didnt get any money to help. although very hard they were better off not seeing him. luckily i met jon 4 n half years ago n he gradually took on father role. he gets on well with my boys n they know he considers them as his own. 1 is 13 n other is 12. the oldest is handling it quite well, he says he cant concentrate properly at school especially when kids are being cruel about cancer. the other dont talk much but has been getting into a fair few fights. he says hes quite angry n when kids taunt him about me he hits them. i know its not all about cancer n a lot is just growing up but i worry about them so much. it must be hard for them n i have changed so much (ill nearly all the time).

my last chemo is 3rd june n 5 weeks of radio. like doc said cos of my age im on very strong chemo n they will give me everything to try n stop it coming back. im on a trial drug (hopefully next wonder drug like herceptin) n herceptin every 3 weeks til next year. so glad you didnt suffer with your mouth. i have about 20 at once n lines on tongue n gums hurt more than ulcers! ******. starting to feel better now but food is gross! cant wait to eat again.

well i'd best go, you wouldnt believe how long its took me to write this. about hour n half but did have the little 1 for about half of that. its hard enough to concentrate without being disturbed constant. take care

leonie xx

Hi Leonie,

My you've got your hands full with two teenage boys and a two year old in the house. Sorry to hear that your boys (sorry don't know if your little one is a boy or girl) have had problems with other kids. Children can be so cruel sometimes! Have you been on one of these pamper days for the want of a better word (don't know what they call it near you, as they seem to have different names all over the country, ours is called first diagnoises day). This is held at our local hospice, you get waited on all day, lovely home cooked lunch, complementry therapies, yesterday we had Pimms on the terrace in the afternoon! You feel so relaxed when it's time to go home, it's wonderful. Oh, and they provide transport if you need it and it's all free. Sorry I'll get to the point in a minute. At the hospice they also have what they call a drop in session for family and carer's, where they can talk to a counseller about their feelings because they suffer also, a lot in silence. Have you had any help with regards to your sons and how they can cope through all this?

I had a lovely weekend, spent mostly in my mum's garden, lazing in a hammock, shaded by two big trees, sheer bliss! Followed yesterday with my 'pamper day', wonderful! Only to be brought back to earth yesterday late afternoon. Had to go to blag receptionist at GP to let me wait and squeeze in to see Doc to get some antibiotics. Played my ace card 'chemo', it's amazing how that works, otherwise would have to wait till Wednesday. Seem to have been bitten by something over the weekend, which has developed into a large red swollen area just below knee, which is painful to touch. Followed by a big row with my youngest son over something so trivial really, don't even know how it started to be honest. Obiviously everything was going to well, have had no infections up to now and after such a lovely few days, somone thought I needed a reality check, NO I DIDN'T, THANK YOU!!!

Hope you've been fairing better over the weekend? Which part of the country do you live in, I'm in the North West. Although a bit cooler, it's meant (according to met office) to be sunny intervals today, up to now no sun!

Right off to make some breakfast. What you cry, 'it's nearly lunch time!'. I know, and guess what, today I don't care.

Patricia xx

hi patrica n ladies

got school reports yesterday n academically they r on target, which was a right boost. im feeling loads better but im so tired n cant concentrate n type. thats why ive not been online. this wont be a long 1 but please know it will take over an hour!. really want to talk to colly n little sis too, was so concerned about my hair falling out, really thought that would be the hardest part. luckily as you know you get over that bit quite quickly but not completly.

i havent heard about the day you talked about n cant wait to go on it. sounds like bliss! i want to make sure you n the others know about 'look good feel better'. its well worth a trip when you feel up to it. its all about make up. theres ladies showing you everything from how to cleanse to foundation + make up your own face properly. everythings free n you get a bag full of everything you need to do it! it really does make you feel better n when you want or can be bothered to make yourself look good, you can without going shopping n spending a fortune. im in the southwest but theres over a hundred running in england.

was sorry to hear your lovely weekend turned crap! just the way life acts sometimes ey. i went in 2 shops for shoes, found a pair that were so comfy n then wore them for 10 mins n they turned to be the worst ever. couldnt move off the couch for rest of the day. well what else did we sign up for?!

lots of love leonie xxx

Hi Leonie,

Ah! Chemo brain, that's what they called it, I'm like that as well, more so just after chemo session. You know what you want to say or do but it's like the batteries are running out on the pink bunny. Saw a t-shirt on line the other day, on the front is a drawing of a smiley face with spikey hair and the words 'I've got chemo brain, what's your excuse?' That made me laugh, not sure I've got the guts to wear one though!

I've heard about the 'Look Good, Feel Better' days, I think the nearest to me are Blackpool or Manchester.

The antibiotics seem to be working, thank goodness and am now talking to my son again (quite funny really how he came grovelling offering to do things for me, they think you've come in on the last banana boat!)

Good news about the school reports, at least thats one less thing to worry about. Gold stars all round!

Hopefully off to Southport tomorrow to see my eldest son and grandson. My grandson poor chap has been in the wars also lately. Was rushed into hospital early last week in an ambulance, being violently sick, was kept in over night, they think it was a virus. Unfortunately because I'd just had my chemo couldn't go near him, so now he's better and I'm on a better week I'm off to spoil him. That's what grandmas are for!

Love Patricia

Hi girls thanks for your posts, I look forward to reading them all. Was wondering if any of you can answer this question for me lol. Since having the lymph nodes removed on 18th May, under my arm is still really numb and I've not got full strength back in it and it feels quite sore as tho I cant put my arm down straight, is this normal, also I've been told about lymphodema and not to use an open razor, does this mean on any part of my body i.e my legs and other under arm or does it mean I shouldnt use an open razor on the side the lymph nodes were removed or should i not use open razor anywhere? all very confusing, at the mo I have one underarm shaved and the other is like a bush lol as I've no feeling in it to do anything, very weird feeling, like Ive been to dentist and its kinda numb but wearing off, any tips? I feel so vain sometimes and I know it wont be long before it all falls out anyway but in the mean time I wanna shave under my arms and my legs Col xx

Hi Colly,

I'm afraid it's a no as regards the wet/open shave on your 'bad' arm. It's okay anywhere else on the body. I was told that it would be okay to use and electric razor on 'bad' arm. The numbness will get better, may not go away completely but will improve. Hope that answers your query.

Patrica x

Hi girls,

Colly,I had 17 lymph nodes removed from under my arm .Because they have to cut through nerves it does stay numb although some feeling does come back.It is best not to use an open razor because if you nick your skin and it becomes infected your arm will swell.Perhaps you can invest in an electric razor or epilator.The strength thing is normal,I have problems pulling or pushing things although I have nut suffered from lymphodema I did go to a class and was given advice.e.g. do not have blood tests or blood pressure taken on the operation side,wear gloves for gardening and when cutting food to avoid infection Youand if the arm does swell elevate and ring hospital if it is really bad.

You are not vain,just human and now is a good time to pamper yourself with lots of moisturising creams.Good luck and if I can help please pick my brains (wont take too long,as you have all said the chemo plays tricks with your mind).

R xxx

Hi girls,

Colly,I had 17 lymph nodes removed from under my arm .Because they have to cut through nerves it does stay numb although some feeling does come back.It is best not to use an open razor because if you nick your skin and it becomes infected your arm will swell.Perhaps you can invest in an electric razor or epilator.The strength thing is normal,I have problems pulling or pushing things although I have nut suffered from lymphodema I did go to a class and was given advice.e.g. do not have blood tests or blood pressure taken on the operation side,wear gloves for gardening and when cutting food to avoid infection Youand if the arm does swell elevate and ring hospital if it is really bad.

You are not vain,just human and now is a good time to pamper yourself with lots of moisturising creams.Good luck and if I can help please pick my brains (wont take too long,as you have all said the chemo plays tricks with your mind).

R xxx

Hi girls only me again, with another question lol. If my consultant is quite happy he's removed all of the cancerous lump and all of the lymph nodes and he's happy with his margins, which is obviously the surrounding area, then why do I still have to have chemo, I could understand if there was something there that the chemo could kill off but I'm confused, anybody able to help with this? Col xx

Hi Colly,

I was told like you that they have got 'it' and my lymph nodes were clear but still had to have chemo and rads. The oncologist said that this was to improve my chances of it not returning and improve my survival rate and to basically mop up any stray cells. Now however low the percentage rate of benefit to having this treatment is, I'll take it! As anything is better than nothing in my mind and have to say the oncologist made my day when he said I was still young! Don't exactly feel like it at the moment though.

Patricia

Hi Patricia, hope this finds you well today, yeah Consultant did say all thais to me, but I've heard of so many people who have had mastectomies, lymph nodes removed and just radiation, all very confusing, and like you because 'I'm young' lol this is the best cure, suppose I just need to get on with it, take 7 months out of my life and get over this. I live in a town called East Kilbride which is about 10 miles from glasgow there are no wig shops here so I need to go into glasgow to have a look, John and I going in friday, should be lots of laughter and tears, he wants me to get a black afro, ive said i will if he does lol. Got hair appointment 14th june 3 days before chemo starts, so i'll prob get a short bob to start with and take it from there, the thiness I might be able to handle, but not baldy patches, that would be awful, anyway my mum coming up in half an hour and im still sitting in my jammies, i should really move myself. Take care, catch up soon xx

Hi Colly and girls,

I too had 3 months chemo and 5 weeks radio after mastectomy.Apparently it is in case a cell or two has managed to slip through so zap it before it causes trouble.

Go mad and have a funky wig,mine was better than my own hair and I saved a fortune on shampoo and hair dye.!!!I think there is a maggies center in Edinburgh,they are really good and can help with make up,relaxation and fill in forms.They are all free .We have one in Swansea that I go to and it is good to meet others in the same boat as you.

hope your treatment goes well. Rose. xxxx

Thanks Rose, everything about chemo/radio etc just confuses me, but I'm sure i'll soon learn. Thaks for the tips xx

Thanks Rose, everything about chemo/radio etc just confuses me, but I'm sure i'll soon learn. Thanks for the tips xx

hi colly n troops

its tough all this cancer lark n very confussing. its all unknown territory n as awfull as it is u do get used to it. i take each stage as it comes n find out about the next when i need to. as for having chemo, its the best they have to offer n gives you the best chance. you dont want any left n even contemplate going through it again. got to think about how we would all feel if surgery was the only option!? before you start try n get your head round it cos it will be a lot harder once you start chemo .

i like you was terrified about losing my hair. thought it would be the hardest part for me. had it cut to chin lenght bob before new year then cut short longer at front a couple weeks before chemo to try to get used to it (hated it though). then did the 'brave thing' as you call it, n shaved it off. its not nice having such a change in the mirror etc, but the worst is being so cold. you see, theres more to it than just the vanity side. i couldnt wash n dry my old hair, havent got the energy.

my cancer is her2, too much protein n a nasty ******. had 16 lymphnodes with tumour out of 24. i didnt n wasnt advised to have a mastectomy, like you. its my last chemo on thurs. spoke to doc today n they said more you have the harder it is on the body. at least i know now its normal to feel like i do. ive just tried to go along n not find out about next week n really try to not think about the whole process really. its different for everyone as you must of heard a million times.

really enjoy having people to talk to n so glad we have this page now. my family are so suportive n i adore them but need to talk to you guys. takes your mind off yourself too n you know your normal, ish anyway! will post tomorrow before my last chemo! must reply to patrica, shes perked me up that lady. take care n our thoughts are with you through this hard time.

love leonie xx

Hi Lonie and all you other brave lot on this post,

Its been nice to read all your thoughts on here.

Just wanted to say that I had my last chemo a couple of weeks ago, and I didn't expect to, but I cried my eyes out when the nurse said - 'well, that's it!'

I guess it must have been a whole mixtures of emotions - with relief being the biggest one of all.

I really do feel that someone has lifted a massive weight off my shoulders. Tonight, I have glugged and thoroughly enjoyed my first couple of glasses of sparkly, and on Saturday I am taking the family away for a much needed break in Scotland before the radio starts.

I am also drinking to the fact that there is news of a vaccine for breast cancer on its way. Hoorah for these wonderful scientists because if they can help prevent our daughters and grand-daughters from getting this bloody awful thing in the future, then won' t that be just fantastic.

Good luck and best wishes to you all, and Lonie - enjoy the moment tomorrow when your nurse says, 'well that's it!'

Shents x

Dear Shents,Go girl !!!!! Well done.Hope you sail through the radio,as I have said before the worse part for me was finding a parking space every day.

The best of luck to you. Rose xxxx