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Honestly don’t know how I should feel. Recently diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer and worried about how this will affect my family

Kalo1One
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I have recently been diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer, less than 6/8 weeks ago.  That in itself was the punch that took the wind out of me.  Since then, I’ve spent 10 days in hospital to help with my coughing, breathing and general day to day health.  Once it’s appropriate I’ll be moving into a hospice to give not only myself, but also my family the peace of mind that I will be looked after towards my end of life journey.

treatment for the cancer won’t be started because in the specialist words “I need to be healthier”.  So other problems have been looked at and those medical problems are being taken care of.  Other things have/are being put in place, executives of my estate, wills, wants and everything that be made to make my passing as easy as possible for my family.  I am 45 yrs old, relatively fit because of my job and generally eat healthy.  Now I know that cancer doesn’t just hit a certain type of lifestyle or person and I’m not bitter about my diagnosis, infact that’s why I’m posting this.

Since being told and in turn telling my family, my only concerns have been how this is/will affect them.  My family of course are here and around me to help as much as they can but again, I’m worried how this is truly about them.  For myself I don’t feel anything about it, if that makes sense.  Yes I will and do get teared up when I think about this, at say 1am in the morning when nobody is about.  But again I’m not bitter calling the world, I’m not angry or asked “why me”, I honestly don’t have any thoughts or feelings for it.  Even now as the aggressiveness of this condition takes things away from me, energy, ability to be the old me 9 weeks ago, and my future per say, I have no thoughts on it besides my family’s wellbeing to come.

they say I’m being strong, I’ve been told by others that I’m copping amazing but am I.  Am I in denial, or will a day come were I do fall apart.  If I did have any thoughts towards my condition I would say I am scared that those days or events are to come.  I’m not numb to feelings, I’m smiling knowing that I’m not only receiving the best care but also my journey will be made as restful as possible, I’m constantly making sure the people around are happy, relaxed and that I’m still me.  Jokes even dark ones are made and passed in jest, I’m interested in the life’s and dreams of those around me family, friends, strangers.  But here I am at 01:41 am, in the garden of my hospital asking a question that that don’t know how to answer.

thank you for reading or thinking about this moment 

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    i feel the same as you about my family’ and is it denial or a way of surviving i’ve not lost my sense of humour either ‘and it’s dark somewhere too lol ‘we can try and stay strong when people are around ‘ it’s early hours when we can’t sleep because brain won’t stop ‘ i’ve done the chemo ‘ immunotherapy nearly killed me it swelled my heart ‘ just had radiotherapy on my brain today ‘that mask phew  ‘ i can’t be fixed either ‘ but i not going out without a fight 

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    Personally reading both your posts, I don't think you are in denial  I think you have just accepted it.  Of course you may have emotions on your own, late at night, thinking about family.  That may be the hardest part, the people you leave behind.  I think when you number is up, there isn't much you can do, so calm acceptance is perfectly understandable and rational

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    Hi Kalone1 and Bigboss64,

    No-one who hasn’t been in your position can really empathise with how you feel and the maxim “we all react differently” is true.

    A couple of weeks ago I met an old friend who, like me, unexpectedly survived a terminal Stage 4 diagnosis. We’d both been told we were in denial I think because we didn’t conform to the Hollywood/TV soap opera stereotype. I said to him that being emotionless psychopaths wasn’t always a bad thing and he almost choked on his beer

    We’d both sorted out our affairs (I put together a play list for my wake), updated our wills, dug out our life insurance policies and undramatically got on with our treatments. 

    I’ve known other people who were hit by a debilitating emotional sledgehammer asking why me?, turning aggresive towards their families and blaming God and the World for what is, in my view, a random example of very bad luck. 

    They can’t help reacting that way, but it must be an added nightmare for their friends and families. 

    I found it helpful during chemo to have a holiday to look forward to. The travel insurance was exhorbitant, but I had three weeks alone in a beach hut in Southern Goa before returning for my end of chemo CT scan results. 

    Not everyone’s cup of tea, but it was great to escape from all the worried faces and to get my head back together, as well as my physical fitness. 

    We’re all different, just do what feels best for you and remember that any survival stats you read only work for large (hundreds) groups of patients and don’t account for age, physical fitness or pre-existing conditions all of which have an impact on surviving the treatment. 


    Good luck to you both!
    Dave

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    Hi just reading that made complete sense to me, I’ve not been diagnosed yet so I feel guilty posting but having got home from last night and seeing my referral . Urgent suspected cancer lung has just completely put me in a daze since I had an xray last Wednesday then had phone call on the Thursday morning saying I’d got an enlarged area on my lung I’ve been in complete panic and a daze. Scared and frightened as you must know but then all my thoughts are about my children 16 and 10 and what I’d tell them or say being divorced from there mum makes it worse as I only see them every other weekend that hurts never mind thinking my journey of being a dad and helping them through life could be cut shorter than I could’ve ever imagined a few months ago . And talking to my family and my partner seeing the pain on there faces and tears of what could be is shattering me, I can’t help but fear the worst and can only presume that everyone else who gets told similar thinks the worst. I can’t sleep haven’t since Friday night and that’s only because my little girl snuggled up with me watching a film my comfort and life is my kids. Now since then I’ve not slept I’m just so frightened and scared and also I’m in debt and haven’t a clue how I’ll make payments on loans and credit cards etc as I’ll only be on statutory sick pay 

  • Offline in reply to RobertJ

    i totally get your worries & reaction to the news ‘ but hopefully it turns out to be nothing serious’ try not to work yourself up to something that has not been confirmed’ even if it does most times it can be fixed ‘ but stress thinking ahead will not do you or your family any good ‘ i really hope that you will get the all clear . eat properly keep your mind & body active ‘ try to lower your stress 

  • Offline in reply to RobertJ

    Hi Robert,

    We all react differently and many of us say that the uncertain period is the worst part. 

    If things start to get you down, PLEASE talk to your GP about it. If you suffer from sleep deprivation, it will be hard to make sensible, informed, decisions about your treatment options and preferences.

    It’s probably too early for you to contact them but when I was diagnosed with Cancer our local MacMillan benefits advisor was really helpful. They even made a claim for PIP on my behalf. That benefit isn’t means tested but is rather based on your diagnosis and prognosis. No-one wants to qualify for PIP, but it’s useful to have if you do. 

    Good luck - I hope your results come through soon.

    Dave

  • Offline in reply to Bigboss64

    Thank you for replying. And I really hope so to my stress levels are coming down slightly. I’ve been doing that thinking ahead . Just frightening. I do appreciate the replies 

  • Offline in reply to davek

    Thank you Dave , means a lot really does and useful information. And I definitely need get more sleep as last night I didn’t sleep at all 

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