I have recently been diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer, less than 6/8 weeks ago.  That in itself was the punch that took the wind out of me.  Since then, I’ve spent 10 days in hospital to help with my coughing, breathing and general day to day health.  Once it’s appropriate I’ll be moving into a hospice to give not only myself, but also my family the peace of mind that I will be looked after towards my end of life journey.

treatment for the cancer won’t be started because in the specialist words “I need to be healthier”.  So other problems have been looked at and those medical problems are being taken care of.  Other things have/are being put in place, executives of my estate, wills, wants and everything that be made to make my passing as easy as possible for my family.  I am 45 yrs old, relatively fit because of my job and generally eat healthy.  Now I know that cancer doesn’t just hit a certain type of lifestyle or person and I’m not bitter about my diagnosis, infact that’s why I’m posting this.

Since being told and in turn telling my family, my only concerns have been how this is/will affect them.  My family of course are here and around me to help as much as they can but again, I’m worried how this is truly about them.  For myself I don’t feel anything about it, if that makes sense.  Yes I will and do get teared up when I think about this, at say 1am in the morning when nobody is about.  But again I’m not bitter calling the world, I’m not angry or asked “why me”, I honestly don’t have any thoughts or feelings for it.  Even now as the aggressiveness of this condition takes things away from me, energy, ability to be the old me 9 weeks ago, and my future per say, I have no thoughts on it besides my family’s wellbeing to come.

they say I’m being strong, I’ve been told by others that I’m copping amazing but am I.  Am I in denial, or will a day come were I do fall apart.  If I did have any thoughts towards my condition I would say I am scared that those days or events are to come.  I’m not numb to feelings, I’m smiling knowing that I’m not only receiving the best care but also my journey will be made as restful as possible, I’m constantly making sure the people around are happy, relaxed and that I’m still me.  Jokes even dark ones are made and passed in jest, I’m interested in the life’s and dreams of those around me family, friends, strangers.  But here I am at 01:41 am, in the garden of my hospital asking a question that that don’t know how to answer.

thank you for reading or thinking about this moment