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I feel so alone

Tattylashes
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I'm 46 finished treatment recently for stage 2 breast cancer.

I consider myself lucky from the disease perspective but I feel cancer has tested every area of my life and everyone I thought would be there for me, wasn't.

My marriage has broken down, he simply can't cope with me not being ok.  My friends havnt time for me. And I've very little family, and they're all men who can't handle me not being OK.  They just ooh be strong, you're strong, send me smile emojis, but no one would really care apart from my children if I lived or died. 

I feel broken and alone I've 2 children who I have to carry on for but it's so hard. Everyday is painful and I know I've got to rebuild a life worth living. But I'm broken. And I'm wondering I must be a horrible person if I get cancer and nobody gives a ***.  

I can't tolerate the endocrine drugs, I'm on the edge as it us without hormonal imbalances. (I'm maxed out on all mental health support options)  

This next bit is not me, I've never done anything like this before  but I  was so distraught the other day I smashed a tv. Self harmed then took an overdose just so the thoughts would stop.   I woke up obviously.  I've not told anyone, just pretended I'd had an accident.

No point telling me to phone crisis lines because they can't do anything.  Only I can get myself out if this abyss and I've not the strength to pull myself out.

I've still got to work, pay bills, there is no rest.  I just wish someone else had my good fortune to recover that it's wasted on me.  I wish I hadn't survived I suspect a lot of my reluctance to take the endocrine drugs is because I want it recurr.  I certainly can't see the drugs making me a nicer prospective girlfriend ir balanced friend, employee.

It's too hard.

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    I just wanted to say I'm sorry this has happened to you, and sorry that your husband friends and family are not there to support you.   However as you say  you have got your children and I'm sure that your friends and wider family do care but they have just reacted badly and/or just don't know how best to support you. 

    Do speak to Macmillan cancer support or the Samaritans as well as your GP.  I really do think it helps to talk (and I never thought I would say that). 

    I wish you all the best. Xx

  • Hello Tattylashes

    I'm so sorry to hear about all that you've been through over the last few months. Dealing with a cancer diagnosis is hard enough for anyone but to then also go through the breakdown of your marriage and to be left feeling so alone, it's an incredible weight that you've had to carry. It's understandable that you've been feeling overwhelmed. 

    You mention in your post that you've had some previous support from mental health services. Has this been arranged through your GP? Please Tattylashes talk with your GP or mental health team if you already have contact with them. It may feel at the moment like there is no support available to you but there are options to help improve how you're feeling. 

    You shared in your post that things have escalated to a point recently where you felt the need to self-harm and take an overdose in order for these thoughts and feelings to stop. I'd strongly encourage you to share this information with someone. It may be a health professional. It may be a family member, friend, or colleague but it's important that you can access some support so that the right people can help set you on the path to improving how you're feeling. 

    You've also mentioned in your post that you can't tolerate the endocrine drugs and you're struggling to take them. Please get in touch with your breast care nurse to let her know about this. There are options Tattylashes regarding medication and it may also be that your breast care team has access to a specialised cancer psychologist who you can talk to for support. 

    RedRuth84 has shared in their reply to you that despite never thinking they would say it, it really does help to talk. There are charities such as Maggie's that can provide support for people impacted by a cancer diagnosis. It may be that you feel that Relate can help with some support regarding your relationships. And the Samaritans are available 24/7 always with someone available to listen to how you're feeling. If you think it would help to talk with one of our team of nurses you're welcome to call them on 0808 800 4040, Monday to Friday 9am to 5pm. I know they will be happy to listen and offer any advice information and support they can. 

    Tattylashes, you've taken the first step today in reaching out for help and support by posting here in the Cancer Chat community. We know how hard it can be to ask for help but you've already shown that you have the courage to do that by sharing your story with other community members. Please talk with your GP and share the extent of your struggles with them so that you can access the help and support you need, and deserve, to help improve your situation. 

    Keep in touch Tattylashes. We're here to listen and offer any support we can. 

    Sending you my best wishes, 
    Jenn
    Cancer Chat moderator 

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    Thinking of you Tattylashes, im so sorry you’re feeling this way. I  found that a lot of people just couldn’t cope with my diagnosis and disappeared off the face of the earth! I’m ten years down the line and it all feels a bit like a bad dream now. Breast cancer now, your BCN’s the nurses on hear are great listeners which I found useful when low .  Friends don’t seem to know what to say. Have you been on a moving forward course?  - ask your BCN. I met a group of ladies ten years ago on this course and while we had different diagnosis and treatment we have remained friends and a support to each other ever since, The first year is really tough but things do improve with time as impossible as that might seem now.  I can’t deny that there are low moments. As you said you have two very good reasons , your children to get the help you need. I hope you can find your way to love yourself again and take good care - sending you hugs and best wishes xx

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    Hi Tattylashes

    That's a great name!!

    It is hard. And you made it this far which is brilliant. And well done - really brave of you- to put down exactly how you feel.

    I wish I could pop over and give you a hug. But here's a virtual one. 

    Xx

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