I'm 46 finished treatment recently for stage 2 breast cancer.
I consider myself lucky from the disease perspective but I feel cancer has tested every area of my life and everyone I thought would be there for me, wasn't.
My marriage has broken down, he simply can't cope with me not being ok. My friends havnt time for me. And I've very little family, and they're all men who can't handle me not being OK. They just ooh be strong, you're strong, send me smile emojis, but no one would really care apart from my children if I lived or died.
I feel broken and alone I've 2 children who I have to carry on for but it's so hard. Everyday is painful and I know I've got to rebuild a life worth living. But I'm broken. And I'm wondering I must be a horrible person if I get cancer and nobody gives a ***.
I can't tolerate the endocrine drugs, I'm on the edge as it us without hormonal imbalances. (I'm maxed out on all mental health support options)
This next bit is not me, I've never done anything like this before but I was so distraught the other day I smashed a tv. Self harmed then took an overdose just so the thoughts would stop. I woke up obviously. I've not told anyone, just pretended I'd had an accident.
No point telling me to phone crisis lines because they can't do anything. Only I can get myself out if this abyss and I've not the strength to pull myself out.
I've still got to work, pay bills, there is no rest. I just wish someone else had my good fortune to recover that it's wasted on me. I wish I hadn't survived I suspect a lot of my reluctance to take the endocrine drugs is because I want it recurr. I certainly can't see the drugs making me a nicer prospective girlfriend ir balanced friend, employee.
It's too hard.
